Reflecting on my 8-year relationship with my wife, I see a pattern of tension and dissatisfaction that has overshadowed moments of joy. From the start, I often felt like I was walking on eggshells, trying to navigate her explosive emotions. Despite my initial attraction to her strength and stability, her frequent dissatisfaction and emotional outbursts took a toll on our relationship.
As time passed, I realized I had become a people-pleaser, constantly trying to meet her needs while neglecting my own happiness. Even decisions like moving in together quickly and later agreeing to marriage and children were driven more by her desires than my own genuine enthusiasm. I always said I never wanted to be married or have kids. But somehow agreed to both without much thought.
Although there have been moments of happiness, the underlying tension and her emotional volatility has been a constant.
We have now been married 6 years and have an almost 4 year old. I love my daughter very much and am thankful for the growth and maturity she has brought into my life. But i really dont know if I can keep on with my wife.
We have done couples therapy. I have been in therapy myself for years and grown a lot. I dont think that If I was in a healthy mental place and not being a co-dependant people pleaser that I would have stayed in the relationship past the first year.
Somehow I lost myself.
doing research I have realized that a lot of her neurocis and behavior aligns with vulnerable narcissistic traits. not trying to diagnose her or anything. Just saying I am confident I have endured a lot of emotional abuse and am not happy.
She quit her 6 figure job last year for “mental health” reasons. This amplified the realization I really need to shit or get off the pot as far as moving on from the relationship. She is now dependent on me and has no intent to go back to work.
I know I have not been perfect. But one thing we have spent a lot of time discussing in our relationship is all the ways I need to grow and change.
I feel like I have taken my personal growth very seriously.
I told her I wanted a divorce a year and a half ago and backed out after a guilt trip. She made some minor half hearted apologize. And spent the next 6 months in a deep addiction checking out pretty hard leaving a lot of the household daily responsibilities me eventually coming to a head and quiting her job.
I wasn’t in the best place either I made the choice to continue working on me and trying to be in the best place possible for myself. Have been through a lot the last year.
I don’t ever really enjoy spending time with her. I don’t enjoy doing anything with her. Everyday it’s the same things. “I’m exhausted / overhwhelmed / have a headache”. Or she’s upset directly at me because of some random thing that in my opinion she just fabricates to project her anxiety at me. If I push back about anything she will always turn it around to where I end up apologizing / consoling her.
Twice in the past few months she has brought up suicide when we were arguing. I have expressed that that worries me and tried to ask if she was really suicidal later after things calmed down and she said she’s not. It feels really manipulative.
I have been working between 50-80 hours a week and my job is super laborious . Anytime I’m not traveling for work it’s likely I will still be making dinner and cleaning up and always help around the house with chores and my daughter but still get the “you never help with anything bit. No matter how little her responsibilities are they are always to much.
Don’t really know how I ended up at this point. I fantasize about divorce all the time.
We have sex regularly and it’s okay. But we have never been sexually compatible and I am never really sexually fulfilled. She isn’t a giving lover and also has taken oral sex completely off the table.
I have tried to make peace with that but it does bother me deeply as I’m only 30 and I love oral sex both giving and receiving.
She seems as if she has made some efforts to change but honestly not much. Any therapy she has done seems half hearted and short lived.
I honestly don’t think she is really happy with me either even if she loves me but I support her and it’s comfortable and she also doesn’t want to work.
Don’t know what I’m so scared of. Worried leaving will be a mistake. Don’t think it would be tho.
Worried about her making my life difficult or paying her alimony even tho she is perfectly capable of working.
Any input or advice on getting the balls to do what I know I need to to find peace and happiness for me and my daughter appreciated