Hello reddit,
I (34M) have been in a 10 year relationship with my girlfriend (31F) but our relationship has become increasingly rocky over the past 2 years. I feel like I am just unhappy in the relationship and I don't even really know why anymore and I feel like I am stuck in a serious impasse of indecision and it's stunting my progress in life. A big part of me is saying "it's your fault the relationship is not going well so just change your mindset and it will all be fine". I feel so stuck and I am not sure if I should continue trying to improve things or if it's time to just call it. I also wanted to add that I am seeing a psychologist.
Okay, so some relevant details that may help. This is my first post here so apologies if it's too long.
As I mentioned, I've been in a 10 year relationship with my girlfriend – we're not married, have no kids, no pets and no shared assets. The past 2 years has become increasingly difficult as I had started to realise issues in the relationship and tried to communicate them with her. Side note, we're both awful at communicating with each other, but I am trying my best to improve.
The open relationship:
Shortly after I started voicing my concerns and having these early discussions she admitted to feeling lonely for some time and we ended up in an open relationship (her suggestion) to at which point things went downhill even faster. I am vague on how involved she got with other people, but I got involved with another woman who I formed an amazing connection with. I ended up lying to this other woman about so much, and I am certainly not proud of any of it, but it caused so much angst within me and I quickly found myself torn between my relationship and this other woman – to this day I still struggle with this to some degree.
After some time, I decided to end the open relationship and end things with the other woman because it was all too conflicting and confusing for me, and go back to exclusivity in my relationship. Almost 1 year has passed since that happened but I'm still not happy. I might add here that the other woman and I are still talking, but we went through a phase of absolutely 0 contact for about 5 months and we still ended up talking again. I also ended up with bad anxiety not talking to her for this period.
What I am feeling and what I feel is missing:
After a lot of reflecting and trying to take accountability on my part, here is my contribution to the declining relationship and what I feel is missing.
1. I can't give my girlfriend all that she deserves because my heart is still lost elsewhere with this other woman. I definitely feel distracted with the idea that the grass is greener with this other woman given how well we get along.
2. I struggle a lot with communication in a relationship on a vulnerable level. So does my girlfriend, but she doesn't make it any easier for me to open up and share my feelings. Whenever we do I just feel like I'm bothering her. She seems largely unphased by a lot and is happy to just ignore issues and live life – maybe that's a good way to live?
3. I feel like I'm missing a sense of deeper connection through quality time and conversation. Everything sort of seems very surface level.
4. We lack any sort of shared long-term goals. This is something I tried to talk about and flesh out a bit more, but I was met with "I don't want to invest in something with you because I don't think we will be together".
5. Sexual intimacy is really damaged. I feel like our sexual chemistry is not aligning and as a result I personally am lacking any desire. It's hard to fix this aspect because I feel like the intimacy on other levels needs to be addressed before this is fixed, but it feels a bit like a viscous cycle. I also note that I am still attracted to her, I think she's beautiful and we still hug and kiss. It does feel like we're just friends though, not romantic partners.
6. I can't focus clearly and I am struggling to commit to any sort of plans with my girlfriend because every day I feel like a break up is imminent. I am not sure what this is but whenever any sort of event planning, short or long term, is discussed I get a little sinking feeling inside me.
All of this has lead to my unhappiness in the relationship, but I just don't know why or how it came to be like this. Why can't I just get over it, push the issues out and just get on with the relationship?
I guess part of me also feels a bit bored in the relationship, and I also feel like I have tried to communicate needs and issues but they seemingly don't resolve or I end up back in the same head space.
You're probably thinking, why not just end it if you're unhappy?
Well, when I look at her I feel sad and like I have failed in my relationship, and there's a big part of me that just wants to do better and not throw away 10 years. I also feel a sense of guilt for being unhappy and just all of the above. I feel like deep down it's the wrong thing to do and it will be a mistake to end it. I feel like the right thing is to step up as a man, get over all this stuff and make this woman happy again.
She's not a toxic person, we get along and live together really well, we enjoy travel together and we're both pretty laid back. There's little to no jealousy or fights and we respect each other's space. And emotionally she is very easy going and nothing really triggers her. Pretty suited to my current lifestyle.
But I am struggling…
I don't know what choices I have to make to get this back on track.
Thank you for reading if you made it this far. Any advice or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated.