I suppose this is a post about being human, trying to be better and accepting what is.
I'm processing a lot of guilt and shame for my dating life. High school and freshmen year I was a Christian and never did anything physical despite having been called a very handsome man and being hit on. I then slept around in college and the few years after had a mix of being single and in 6 month relationships (always was the one to end it if I didn't see marriage on horizon). To be fair, I slept around a lot and regret that. I'm a 'maximizer' according to Logan Ury's book (always thinking there's something better out there) and I know I've left a relationship years ago that could've worked once the honeymoon phase was over with some work. She is with someone else and happy now and I have accepted that.
Beginning this year, I was heartbroken when the girl I fell in love with for 6 months didn't want the label (we were exclusive and moving slow to being official) or to move in together next year as she had asked me to (I'd brought it up which scared her). She'd gotten out of long term relationship before we dated. 2 weeks after our break up, she came and got me to say she was confused/unsure if she was making wrong decision but I didn't make move for sex though she suggested as much (she didn't say she wanted to be together, just confused). 4 months NC and we've texted now and have plans to catch up after she gets back from Greece (I initiated). Only thing is she didn't respond to my last text asking how long she'd be there which triggered my concern of a power dynamic etc. I want this to work but long term happiness requires both put in effort.
Then, last night at a friends going away party, I flirtted with a friend's friend (acquaintance of mine) while on molly and feel guilty for potentially leading them on when I'm in such a confused state and unsure of my emotions. I've written down/reflected what I'm looking for, am in therapy, exercising, meditating, reading helpful books and playing piano. I just feel guilty for that and am going to follow through to get to know them better. I wish to be kind and honest but feel guilty. I guess I'm seeing about something but I feel like I shouldn't have flirted as much.
I feel guilty for doggish ways of the past (sleeping with girls, one night stands etc) but also accept that part of myself (other side of being life of party is being flirtatious sometimes I suppose). I'm working on trying to be a better man and lessen my need for perfectionism.
I have a lot of rumination about my past, opportunities lost in terms of dating and commitment (choosing wrong in past, looks over personality though I have tried to be with partners I wasn't attracted to) and worry about my future. I am hurting. I have been hurting deeply for the last 6 months and have lost much sleep and numbed myself with weed though I'm tru I have many friends and they have been such huge support but I admit I hurt and am trying to isolate my pain to myself. Does anyone else ever feel this way sometimes?