Hi, I'm male, recently 20.
looking back at my life so far, from childhood till now, I truly feel like I've lacked meaningful relationships, friends or other wise. I've had friends in high school and middle school, with the exception of one, all of those bridges have been burnt; looking back on all of the relationships I've built, I feel like I actually cared and wanted to keep one maybe two of them, those two friendships last 2 – 3 years at most and ever since then I've felt pretty alone.
I won't get into details but before middle school my life was pretty shit, but emotionally I was probably my happiest. Even with the constant nightmare, the social isolation at school and home, my horrid living situation, it was all bearable because i had my mom, my grandma, and my childhood ignorance. By the time i got out of elementary my grandma died, getting older i realized i couldn't blindly trust people, and now of days i'm not as ignorant to the reality of life.
I genuinely don't know if life is gonna get better because I haven't seen or experienced anything that shows otherwise; i watch all these movies and shows, i see people online, and listen to people in-person, and life comes off as i feel like it should, normal problems, struggles, and worries. my life, my memories, my problems, struggles, and worries just aren't the same as what I perceived as normal. And I know there are people that have it plenty worse then me, I've heard it, read it, and I've seen it, and i have no doubt that there is an iceberg of depravities felt and experienced by others that i cant begin to comprehend.
I guess my point is, how likely is it that I find meaningful relationships, friend or otherwise; If i keep trying will I find something that's better than nothing, or is this all I'm gonna get out of life