My husband came home from work angry about a situation with a coworker. The coworker was joking around at work and pretended he was going to hit him in the face, and my husband reacted with extreme anger towards this person, who truly wouldn’t hurt a fly.
So I was listening to the story of what happened, asking clarifying questions etc. Thinking to myself the entire time that my husband is wildly overreacting about this, but wasn’t going to say anything about it, and just nod my head. Then he asked “am I wrong?”.
This question gave me 2 choices— lie to his face, or tell him I think his friend was joking around and his intentions weren’t to upset him.
Now he’s mad at me for saying that and feels that I am not supporting him because I didn’t just say “everything will be okay”, and instead voiced my thoughts on it. I know he can be reactive a lot of the time and he asked…
AITA? What could I have done differently? I feel very backed into a corner right now.
30 comments
NTA. He asked. You answered. Sorry he doesn’t like the answer but a lie would have been wrong.
Do you often feel like you have to choose between being honest or telling your husband what he wants to hear?
If some dude pretended to punch me, I’d instantly be annoyed because my body would go in such a fight or flight response that even afterward, it would take time for me to readjust.
Is his co-worker 5? Who cares if he wouldn’t hurt a fly, it’s just straight up unprofessional unless these two are *extremely close*
Is his work stressful? Is his work environment more stressful than usual *right now* (important deadlines, etc)? Is this someone who annoys him? What is their relationship? What was the reason behind the fake punch?
I guess NTA for answering the question honestly, but I’m not sure he is in the mindset right now to be corrected. What happened to him was unprofessional, and the burden of him just accepting it should not be on his shoulders.
Good luck OP. He just needs someone to vent to. Even if I would have responded differently, I can reasonably understand how on an off day this would be annoying to deal with at work.
You could have said feelings are never wrong and so he’s not wrong for how he feels about the situation. And then pointed out that you weren’t there and given the prior banter you don’t know how you would have reacted in that situation.
But yeah, I think you were wrong to invalidate his feelings. When he said that, you could have used it as an opportunity to understand what he was triggered, so he could regulate better but you missed it.
Edit: he wasn’t actually asking your opinion. He was asking you to help him process his feelings. So the right answer, how you could have handled it differently is:
“It doesn’t matter what I think, I wasn’t there. I do find it interesting that normally this kind of stuff doesn’t get you so angry though. It doesn’t sound different from other situations you’ve described, so I’m wondering – why do you think it felt so different to you this time?”
You could have said feelings are never wrong and so he’s not wrong for how he feels about the situation. And then pointed out that you weren’t there and given the prior banter you don’t know how you would have reacted in that situation.
But yeah, I think you were wrong to invalidate his feelings. When he said that, you could have used it as an opportunity to understand why he was triggered, so he could regulate better but you missed it.
YTA
Yes he asked for your opinion, but you should know he’s really just asking for emotional support. You said it yourself, he was all worked up about it.
Do you think you are rational and in the right every time you get worked up about something? I know Im not. What I need from my partner is to be assured, to help me feel like I have someone on my side. Afterwards I may be able to reflect on it more and realise things on my own. But I need my ride or die to fucking ride with me!
For starters, I’m on your husband’s side here. Unless they are a group of 8 years olds, pretending you’re going to hit someone isn’t funny. It’s shockingly immature and inappropriate in the work place. I’m actually struggling to think of any situation in which that would be ok for me and can’t do it.
That said, he did ask and you did honestly answer. You can still acknowledge his feelings. “I absolutely see why you’re bothered, though I don’t think he meant it that way” or “I do see why you’re angry, I don’t think I would have taken it quite as personally though”.
Never ask a question where you may not like the answer. The man is 35. Tell him to act like one
Not wrong and he needs counseling if he can’t control himself and can’t take constructive criticism
Sorry I’m going to take husband’s side in that “joking” about hitting is not cool, regardless of whether the person would ever do it or not. Some of us have trauma related to abuse and it kicks in fight or flight.
First that play ‘I am going to hit you in the face’, low class, and immature. I would be mad to have to figure that out and dodge him too. So I am with your husband with this…
You’re one of those “brutally honest” people that makes everyone around you feel like shit, aren’t you? You people are awful.
I am on your husband’s side for numerous reasons. First and foremost, you completely dismissed and invalidated your husband right off the bat and supported and backed this other person. Secondly, you didn’t even try to understand his side, whether you thought he was right or wrong you should have at least tried. Thirdly, man to man relationships/friendships are different than other relationships because there is a looming threat of violence and sometimes some men take advantage of that and the rules at play to tease or push other men because they are aware that without them they can’t do anything.
Personally, I have PTSD from combat and would have reacted worse than your husband. There is no need to pretend punch, the same way you should never flag anyone with a weapon if you don’t intend to shoot them.
Your husband felt he was going to punch him.
You may feel it’s overboard but maybe he shouldn’t make make a joke about punching him at work.
**What could I have done differently?**
You: “You’re not wrong.”
That’s all you had to say. Extra wife points if you asked him if he wanted a beer, too.
Why are you with this man? He clearly doesn’t like that you have your own opinion… and he likes it even less when you have an opinion that differs from his.
He doesn’t get to control **your mind or opinions, or your thoughts and feelings about situations.**
You’re married to a controlling and whiny little man-baby.
Imagine thinking you have a right to get mad at someone for their opinion, after you literally asked them for their opinion. 🙄
Is he always pathetic like this?
As someone also married to someone who is more reactive than I am, who I love and adore and also realize is sometimes a bit of an overreactor and hyper sensitive, my golden line I pull out for situations like this is “I wasn’t there, and it’s over. Now that we’ve talked about it, how are you feeling?”
Doesn’t always work but sometimes it’s helpful. But also it’s okay to disagree with your spouse sometimes, it happens. He thinks I make weird choices sometimes too.
But yes I agree, you save any real conversation about their behavior for later. Most people are not open to constructive criticism while they’re in an emotionally heightened state – really any emotion.
He sounds emotionally immature. He’s not on gear is he?
Your husband isnt in the wrong here for getting angry coz somebody thought it was funny to pretend to punch him.
NTA to give your true opinion. But I tell my kids all the time to never pretend they are going to hit someone because one day someone will believe them and it will be a fight. Btw faking a hit is a childish thing to do so it’s been an actual conversation with mine.
You weren’t there. You have no idea what the other guys intentions were. YTA
NTA. Sounds like it was silly situation that got out of hand. If he was already stressed about it, he probably thinks himself that he messed up. He was looking to you to take some of the weight off his shoulders by telling him what he wanted to hear.
I suppose you could have taken the neutral approach and say they both acted silly. But honestly I don’t know that anything other than you agreeing with him would have made him feel better.
You spoke your mind and were honest. Nothing wrong with that.
If someone raises a hand at me and acts like they’re about to punch me, my first instinct is to punch them first. I’m on your husband’s side.
Honestly, if I’m not around when a situation happens I always respond with “I really don’t know if you’re right or wrong but if you’re questioning yourself, maybe you should talk with (insert name) about it to clear the air”.
What’s that saying; don’t ask a question if your not willing to hear an honest answer?
Pretending to hit someone is pretty aggressive “passive aggression”. It’s something hormone-crazy teens or college boys do, not middle-aged professional men in the work setting, yikes. Are they like, sales or finance bros or something? No wonder that your husband was annoyed. I’d be angry too.
Having said that, from the way you speak it sounds like you may be used to holding yourself back in order to moderate your husband’s volatile temper. It sounds like he himself is immersed in and identifies with a toxic masculinity working environment. Like the saying goes: “Tell me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are”.
Uh.. I don’t think I’d like it if someone was pretending that they were going to hit me in the face. That’s not normal behavior for adults? In a lot of places that would get the first guy hurt. You don’t put your hands in someone else’s face or “pretend” aggression. How are they supposed to know that you’re joking?
Any person can be violent if they want to, even those that normally wouldn’t be.
The coworker was definitely in the wrong. Not cool to play around that way. Impact matters too, not just intent.
But whether you’re the a depends a lot on whether your husband is regularly *hyper reactive* with his anger and/or aggressive.
If he’s regularly hyper-reactive with his anger, I think you need to have more of a conversation about how he can manage that.
If he’s not really, I think you should be a bit more compassionate to him and validate that his upset feelings are appropriate.
He asked you a question that’s impossible to answer without it being wrong.
His fight or flight kicked in and he instantly raged. It’s one thing for light hearted back and forth but pretend violence is usually meant to create a violet reaction. His coworker needs to step back because doing something that stupid in an already stressful situation could have sent both of them over the edge.
You should be proud that your husband held back and didn’t get violent in return.
The other part of this story is that if he didn’t react accordingly they would harass him non-stop until he can’t take it and ends up overreacting. Bullying is not okay but is accepted in certain professions for whatever reason and fights do occasionally break out as a result.
This is why there are rules against horseplay in the workplace.
I had a guy jump out from behind a door as I was opening it. It opened towards me. I ALMOST slammed the door on him while just his face was sticking out. It is a heavy door and I’m a big guy. I’d have done some damage just because he startled me. We worked in a remote location, so getting medical treatment above the capability of the on-site paramedic would have taken hours.
Anyway, one of the lead men on the site saw what happened and had a nice talk with the guy. He talked to me later and said he was glad I didn’t react to jumpscares because it would have been a mess for a lot of people.