My (34m) wife (30f) found weird porn on my phone, how do I explain myself without minimizing her feelings?
This is genuinely the most embarrassed I’ve ever been. So, for years, I have had a kink for pregnancy. I have no idea why, or how it started. My wife and I do not yet have kids, so it’s not something that I have any real life experience with. I have porn related to pregnancy saved on my phone- all pictures, which I had saved from Reddit or other websites. I also had pictures of myself pretending to be pregnant. I really cannot explain why this is arousing to me, but it is. I never planned on telling my partner, as I was embarrassed about both of these things and it was not something that I felt comfortable sharing, or felt that she would want to know.
Now, this I do feel really bad about, but I never asked her about porn, saving porn, etc. I was not sure what she would say, and we never discussed that as a couple or a boundary. I never denied watching porn because she never asked. When I thought about it, I did sometimes feel guilty, which is a sign I should’ve talked to her about it. I am not sure whether she is more angry over the content of the porn itself or the fact of having porn at all.
She finds the hidden folder on my phone- not snooping, we have each others phone passwords. She’s furious, angrier than I think ive ever seen her, and she’s driven to stay with a friend tonight.
I texted her an explanation and an apology but she hasn’t answered. We’ve not been able to discuss the situation, and I don’t really know how to handle the conversation. I think I’m so embarrassed and ashamed that someone else knows this secret about me that I can’t even think straight. I don’t want to minimize her feelings, but I also wish that we could talk about it and I could explain myself. I tried to explain that none of this was interacting with other people, but I don’t know how much that matters. I think maybe part of the anger is because all the porn is of this one thing, but honestly it’s that way because for normal stuff I have pictures of her and don’t need to look at porn.
TL;DR:
Wife found my stash of weird porn, and is understandably angry. I want to explain myself without minimizing how she feels. I feel an automatic instinct to try and defend myself which would probably not be helpful.