My boyfriend is 26 and is really smart, loves debating, works hard, has lots of great friends and family, and is pretty successful. He looks for my approval and respect and tries to impress me. He's extremely supportive and encourages me to work harder, strive for more, become healthier, and be a more spiritual person. He inspires me to be more productive and we have the same values; we both want high-flying careers, a passion/mission/purpose and goals we're reaching for, and a growth mindset.
We seem to bump heads in arguments, however. Here are some examples:
- We were debating abortion and even though we are politically on the same side, he wanted to poke my reasoning. It's a touchy topic for me so I reacted a little defensively when it came up, and he said I should support my position with factual evidence. I can't remember all of the Roe v. Wade journals and legal briefs I read back in 2022, so I started Googling arguments for and against abortion. When I did this, he said I don't trust myself enough to develop an informed viewpoint, and that I "outsource my thinking." He also said that the “extent of my emotional reaction should be directly proportional to the amount of information I collected about the topic.”
- I was considering buying a new car (on my own, obviously). I know exactly how much I'm willing to spend, what I like, and what my finances look like. He doesn't (we're not at that point yet). When I casually asked his opinion one day, he replied, "isn't that a decision you should be able to make on your own? Don't you know your own budget and spending habits?"
- We went out for dinner one night and the restaurant we wanted to go to was closed. He asked me where I want to go eat, and I was scanning the road we were standing on, trying to remember what restaurants existed. I specifically wanted something casual and indoors, with no waiters, so he could feel comfortable (it was hot outside) and so we could get seated quickly (he was hungry). Apparently I was taking too long to make a decision, and he gets angry with me. When we returned home, he told me about me a lesson he learned in high school: he once went to a dinner at a country club with very wealthy men, where Trump golfs, and he was taking too long to read the menu and choose his entree. The men at the table told him, "we didn't get to be as rich as we are by wasting time making unimportant decisions. Just pick something and move on." He used that story to criticize my decision-making process. I defended my actions by explaining that I was trying to be thoughtful and empathetic towards his needs, which is why I took my time
- I try to show gratitude to make him feel good, appreciated, and masculine. I've always thanked him for little things, like calling me in the evening, or sending me Uber Eats snacks. Lately, when I thank him for his time or for discussing a relationship issue, he responds with "isn't that the bare minimum? Why would you date someone who doesn't do (X)? I'd expect a lot more from a partner than just (X)." which makes me feel bad for saying thank you, and as if I have very low standards. In fact, I think he thinks that I have extremely low standards. He often accuses me of "willing to keep the relationship going at any cost, even if it's not the right fit."
tldr: I can't argue with any of these statements, and I'm sure there are more examples, but how do I deal with this guy? I can't express an emotional statement. Even when I try to be kind or share a fun fact about my day, he'll propose an alternate action or opinion. I'm not sure how to respond to anything he says anymore. He wasn't always like this – he used to be so open and validating of me and my emotions.
45 comments
Wow, your boyfriend sounds like a walking encyclopedia with a side of judgment. Just remember that being knowledgeable and logical doesn’t always mean being right or understanding emotions. It’s great to have a smart partner, but make sure he’s not constantly nitpicking and making you feel small. Trust your gut and don’t let him make you doubt your own decisions!
There is “debating” and then there is just being a know it all asshat. Like, I want my partner to challenge me and promote me to be better. That is not the same thing as constantly playing a devils advocate game and demeaning me for the sake of an “argument”.
I think you should hopefully be able to appeal to how he used to be and say this isn’t fun anymore, it’s not even helping you grow. It’s actually actively turning you off.
>”we didn’t get to be as rich as we are by wasting time making unimportant decisions. Just pick something and move on.”
And then everyone clapped. Very little chance this happened.
That sounds like an incredibly exhausting relationship. If you’ve told him this bothers you and it keeps going… why are you putting up with it?
He sounds like an asshole. Your boyfriend doesn’t like debating. He likes arguing, being right and stirring the pot.
This isn’t even being “logical” (side note I hate when men pull that card but that’s for another day). Like none of this is actually about the facts of the argument. It’s all about you “doing it wrong”. He asks you for evidence then criticizes you for needing sources. He asks for your restaurant recommendation to fit HIS requests then when you can’t remember what’s in the area, he’s mad you can’t pick fast enough even though HE is the one with the nitpicky requests. Like think about it. None of this is even about debating or arguing it’s about how you are wrong.
He’s not logical or evidence based. He’s just a douchebag.
It’s not logical to accuse someone of outsourcing their thinking when they’re collecting data.
This person sounds very tiring to be around. And also obnoxious.
Re-read your post but this time pretend your boyfriend is like, a coworker or a friend of a friend of a friend.
Would you go out for a meal with them again when they “got angry” because you were thinking about where to eat?
Would you ask their opinion about cars (even just as small talk or a conversation starter)?
Would you engage in any debates or discuss heavy topics with a person who is more concerned with winning than hearing you out?
Or would you be like, man this person is an obnoxious know-it-all who can’t regulate their emotions and have a normal conversation, I’m out of here.
I would avoid the hellll out of a person like this, because life is too short to always be defending yourself from a partner who picks fights with you just for fun. Like I can’t imagine a more stressful situation.
And to willingly date this guy? Hard pass.
Dude.
He’s not “really smart,” he’s lazy and mean. Smart people would not take the offhand comments of some random asshole in a country club as some kind of Life Rule. He’s not engaging his critical thinking skills, he’s just finding easy ways to put you down and make you feel small.
These people are the worst kind of stupid.
I wouldn’t want to deal with this. Relationships and arguments aren’t always about being right and logical.
It’s normal to get emotional about abortion because it directly affects you. He’s severely lacking in empathy if he doesn’t understand that. I also think it’s silly and a waste of time to “poke holes in your argument” if you both actually agree. People playing devil’s advocate on issues that don’t affect them are incredibly annoying. They enjoy feeling superior and logical while ignoring that some of us have very real skin in the game. That doesn’t make him smart; it makes him a dick.
He asked for factual evidence and then when you did the research accused you of ‘outsourcing your thinking’, took you asking for his advice as you being unable to make a decision on your own, is super condescending, you walk on eggshells trying to make him happy and he accuses you of taking too long… what an absolute a*hole
>My boyfriend is 26 and is really smart, loves debating, works hard, and is sexually moral. He looks for my approval and respect and tries to impress me. He’s extremely supportive and encourages me to work harder, strive for more, become healthier, and be a more spiritual person. He inspires me to be more productive and we have the same values; we both want high-flying careers, a passion/mission/purpose and goals we’re reaching for, and a growth mindset.
I think this was supposed to be all about how great he is, but absolutely none of these attributes show that he is a good person or a good partner. a “growth mindset”? “loves debating”?? “sexually moral”?? (what does that even mean) yeah, so he sucks. Hope you find someone new.
I got exhausted just reading this. He sounds absolutely insufferable.
He sounds exhausting, rude, and entitled. I would find someone who treats you with respect.
I didn’t see anyone else use the term “patronizing asshole,” so I’m happy to do my part.
99% of the time when guys like this get “logical” they’re really avoiding a) their own emotions they never learned to recognize, understand, and regulate, and b) others’ emotions they never learned how to understand and accommodate. B follows pretty naturally from A, unfortunately. Actual sound arguments require emotional maturity, because getting to the heart of any issue to do with people/society/whatever requires first recognizing and accounting for your own emotional biases and then understanding what emotional truths might be affecting the actions and reasoning of others on both a macro and micro level.
This dude can do none of that. Maybe he’s bright in a certain light (although your post doesn’t really describe any actual intelligence) but he’s too emotionally immature to put any intelligence he might have to use. Which is… you know… the point of being smart.
You can’t refute his arguments because, when he’s making them, he’s narrowing the world down to something that he feels he can control. The world is bigger than that. Don’t let him narrow your world or drag you down to his level. If you feel like you need to stay with this guy for some reason, I’d get good at rolling your eyes and saying, “you’re really missing the point, here, but it’s not worth it to explain it to you.” I’m sure he wouldn’t love that, but it’s basically what he’s doing to you.
Near the end of my marriage, I decided to go to the movies by myself one day. It was the anniversary of my mother’s death and I just needed some time alone. I walked to the movie theater and came back home with my uneaten popcorn. He asked me what the movie was about, and when I brought it up on my phone to read the synopsis, he accused me of not being there. He called me a liar about being at the movies because I looked the synopsis up online.
A few weeks later, we were reconciling receipts with a credit card statement, and I came across my ticket stub. I tossed it at him and said here’s my ticket stub for that movie you accuse me of not going to see.
Unfortunately, it was another year before I could get all my ducks in a row to leave. But I’m living my best life now.
This man makes me fucking tired and I only had to read five paragraphs about him
Many men do this thing where they couch their cold, disrespectful opinions as being logical and factual as a deflection strategy. Why does he expect you to be a walking encyclopedia of abortion references? Even people with factually informed opinions would need to do some digging to find the best sources to use.
It is fine for you to value feelings/empathy in a relationship. In fact it’s necessary. The fact of the matter is, it’s a shitty thing to do to bring up a sensitive subject to your loved one about what rights they should have and then chastise them for showing emotion.
Being a devils advocate may seem desirable in a debate/rhetorical sense. But even then, Logos, Pathos, and Ethos are all important to consider. This includes human emotion. Conversations about suffering inherently require an understanding of how emotion shapes what educated people would consider the most moral viewpoint. You didn’t sign up to be walking on eggshells in your relationship. He’s a bad boyfriend imo.
Sounds like this relationship isn’t worth it any more.
But some general advice – if someone argues with you, unless you’re in court, you don’t have to argue back or defend yourself. You can always say “if I was you I’m sure I’d see things that way too”. And then respond to any continued argument by smiling pleasantly and staying silent. You don’t need to do the “smiling” bit either.
He’s not debating, he’s just making you defend your position. Did he offer any arguments on his side, did he take questions, did he research *fucking legal briefs*? Easy to “debate” when your only role is to question the other person.
I needed to point that out because you keep calling him “logical”. Declaring himself logical doesn’t make him logical. Why would choosing a random restaurant be more logical than going to one you want? That’s an illogical waste of money.
I don’t know, to me he doesn’t sound so great to me. I’ve grown up with geniuses, and work with many who are from Harvard medical school. Yet, with all the geniuses I have known, only a small handful has behaved like your boyfriend does and they were known assholes by everyone else. He sounds exhausting really. I dated a genius similar to your bf years ago. It will never happen again and I wondered how someone who is so smart is yet so dumb.
This guy sounds exhausting.
You’re dating an asshole.
Someone who doesn’t respect you will never make a good partner.
he sounds like an insufferable pendant who always needs to be the smartest person in the room. this type of negging is not normal and i personally could not tolerate someone who continually puts down my intelligence with debate-me-bro “well ACK-shully” attitude. you deserve better and i hope you find it.
Your boyfriend has problem with power and wanting to be right. Sounds like an asshole to me.
You being rattled has you where he wants you to be. You need to not give af lol brush things off and laugh. Act like you don’t care, start picking on what he does
He’s 25 and behaves like a grandad 😂😂😂 better still LEAVE HIM, this is exhausting
He sounds insecure, and he’s nit-picking you to make himself feel better.
This ain’t gonna improve, OP. Strongly suggest you dump this guy and find someone who is emotionally more secure and can treat you like an equal, not an adversary.
This sounds exhausting.
He doesn’t sound smart he sounds like a jerk who knows a lot of words
Anybody who cites trumps friends as behavioral models is a misogynist. I would have a hard time taking him seriously after hearing that. Does he listen to Taint?
Dating is not a forever commitment. It’s a way to figure out if you’re compatible with each other. Honestly, he sounds like a jerk. I’d cut my losses on this one and find a better partner.
So it’s “outsourcing your thinking” when you do it, but “objective research” when he does it. And you can’t rely on him for even a basic conversation about things related to your interests or what you’re working on doing. He sounds like he doesn’t even like you. Love is not enough, this guy is cruising to get dumped
You know, there is such a thing as emotional intelligence. He may want to work on that
> He often accuses me of “willing to keep the relationship going at any cost, even if it’s not the right fit.”
Apparently he’s a jerk who’s basically begging you to dump his sorry ass. Patronizing, impatient, and in love with himself. He is not Worthy.
He sounds insufferable.
Well, you can show him how he’s wrong about being “willing to keep the relationship going at any cost, even if it’s not the right fit” by dumping his condescending ass. This ain’t the right fit girl. You can do so much better.
Gods he sounds insufferable
I’ve found that a lot of people who “enjoy debating” tend to be….look, I know “privileged” is kind of a loaded word nowadays, but I think it fits in this case. They debate about things that don’t really affect them, because of their class or sex or race or whatnot; because if it’s not something that affects them personally then it’s just a “fun topic of conversation”, instead of a reality of their life. They also tend to feel like becoming emotional means you’re “losing the debate”, so if the topic *is* something that affects your life, you’re automatically put at a disadvantage against them. Then they can “win” over you.
That’s not to say that no one can talk about things that don’t affect them personally. But I tend to be suspicious of people who say they “love to debate” and then pick topics that only really matter in the life of their opponent.
What does it mean to do “things to make him feel masculine”?
Obviously we are only getting one side here, but lady… why are you dating someone that savors the smell of their own farts?
Some people aren’t actually exceptionally smart, they’re just loud and opinionated. This is your boyfriend. In actual intelligent company he’ll probably make a fool of himself…. if you ever get the chance to get him amongst intellectuals it’ll become painfully obvious. He might even get really insecure and argumentative or decide to start belittling you to make himself look better. Egotistical wanna-be smarties all follow the same boring playbook.
Wait so when you talked about abortion it went something like this –
You: I deserve complete bodily autonomy and access to suitable medical care on my terms.
Him: Source?
Sorry, everyone else here is right. That’s not being logical. He’s just a jerk.
he sounds like an exhausting asshole edit to add he’s also clearly not very emotionally or socially intelligent. so many men seem to think those aren’t worthwhile (probably because they tend to be considered womanly but i digress). i think you can ask him why things have changed and point out the difference. be ready for him to continue to be dismissive about it. he’ll either change or he won’t and you’ll either have to accept it or break up.
There’s a guy at my work like your boyfriend; he has to turn everything into a debate and you can’t question his argument because he never actually has one but he’s always logical. It’s exhausting and now no one will talk to him unless they are forced to. Why are you willingly staying with someone that gets off on making you feel wrong?
Men like this *think* they’re being “logical.” They’re actually just twisting logic to fit whatever deep-seated bullshit they want to justify today. You’re allowed to make decisions based on emotions, including dumping this asshole because the emotional energy it takes to argue with his bullshit is taking up excessive time and energy.