So my wife was a virgin when we got married. The first year of our marriage was bit difficult because we were not having sex, everything was oral because it was painful when we would attempt sex vaginally. Once we did start having sex more it seemed more for the purposes of having a child. That took a few years and became more of a chore than something we were enjoying. Once she got pregnant on the first occasion that we were going to try to have sex, she got a scare as she had some bleeding. After that no more sex as she was afraid that it could happen again. She then developed pre-eclampsia and had to have an emergency c-section. That was almost a year ago and we have probably had sex twice since then. Her mother is also having some health issues so my wife is dealing with that so is even more uninterested. We have talked about it numerous times and she says that she wants to but she is tired/exhausted, as am I. I am just willing to deal with my exhaustion for the occasional sex. I do understand that she has a lot she is dealing with but I also feel like I am being neglected. I have turned to looking at things on Reddit to include others nsfw stories just for some excitement. I figured maybe if I wrote it down it’d make me feel a little better.
5 comments
This is probably going to be your reality for the foreseeable future. The work it’s going to take from her to have a healthy sex life isn’t something she’s going to be able to do over night nor is it something that can be done quickly. My suggestion is find other ways for intimacy so you don’t feel neglected.
This is the kind of thing I think she should be working through in personal therapy. There may be very real physical issues, but often those are cause by what’s happening mentally and emotionally. If she’s able to unpack those but the physical issues persist then a medical Dr could shed more light.
Have you tried oral for her ? She can just sit back and relax , let you take the lead and maybe it will lead to more. Being super relaxed and comfortable, the right amount of foreplay to loosen things up might help with the vaginal pain. I am in no way a healthcare professional just thinking out loud here from a woman’s standpoint
I am sorry that you are going through this. I also wish I had better news to give you…. Unfortunately it’s probably not going to change until she genuinely wants it to change. You can pressure and prod, but that is just going to make you the bad guy – and you would be. (No one owes anyone sex.)
I gather you have one child. When they come of age to have “the talk”, ensure they approach marriage with a healthy understanding of sex, sexual needs and their own sexual desires. I happen to believe that may only be derived from experience. Don’t bad mouth their mom, but for their own growth, and to have a better chance of compatibility with a future partner, encourage them to explore their own sexuality.
You aren’t fulfilling some emotional need she is aware she has or maybe doesn’t even know she has. When she is feeling depleted, tired, she has a hard birth that she likely hasn’t even processed, being a new mom and the feelings of constant worry and inadequacy, her mother is sick, and you come at her for sex as a means of connection – you are going to continue to get a big “nope” from her. Why don’t you try act of service without (truly/genuinely) expecting anything from her in return? Set up nails, hair, self care appointments that she enjoys and you watch the kid. Do the heavy housework around the house on a consistent basis without having to be told to them, set up a home date night where you cook a good meal you would find at a restaurant, date her again; make her feel like she is worthy of kind and loving gestures. Have conversations with her in a gentle way, communicate that you aren’t sure what’s the root issue but that you’ve notice that when you try to be intimate something other than being tired causes her pause. Tell her no matter what the response is, you will hold space for her, her answer, and her state of mind/being. Then, actually listen, don’t judge her answer, and believe her. Tell her you know sex has always been difficult and you are willing to go slow and be patient. It’s about making her know you miss her, miss the intimacy, and you are feeling lonely; but don’t project shame onto her for causing that for you.