To start: we (me [33m] and her [28f] dated for five years before breaking up two years ago. Our sex life hit an all time low and we barely did anything in the months prior to breaking up. I’d say our relationship was never really sexual, we mainly cuddled a lot. After we broke up she quite soon started dating and I know she had an experimenting phase. She saw numerous people, and (in her words) needed to get that out of her system. I didn’t manage to date in the two years we were apart (except for sleeping with one colleague soon after the break up). She had a few ONS and short term experiences, and also one more serious one. By accident, after she asked to get something out of her wardrobe, I came across some sex toys (butt plug, anal lube, bondage set, and some other things I didn’t look at). None of this we ever experimented with.
When we got back in contact one year ago I expressed that I was still in love with her. She agreed on us trying, but she couldn’t manage to get physical and said ‘she exhausted herself sexually in the past year.’ I had no idea what to do with this information and was quite bothered with it. She told me she didn’t feel sexually attracted to me at that moment because our relationship was never like that. I didn’t fully understand, because I did (and do) feel sexually attracted despite that. Some weeks after she expressed that she couldn’t manage to feel like she should and that we should stop “dating”. We had kissed once in the meantime. She regrets saying what she said about exhausting herself sexually and says she doesn’t really know what she meant with it, but that she just wanted to give me an answer as to why she couldn’t be intimate with me (yet).
Fast forward eight months and we get to a point of either giving it a serious try, or cutting contact. This time she expresses to feel differently, she said she really wants to try. We are two months in at this very moment, but we haven’t been intimate yet, we only kissed twice. She gets upset when I talk about it (granted I have mentioned it too often in the beginning), especially when I mention things were seemingly very different when she was dating others (her private life is none of my business she says), but it just makes me insecure and I don’t know well how to handle what I feel. She says she isn’t interested in sex at this moment, that she doesn’t even masturbate now. She just wants to slowly get closer to me and see if it all feels good.
I can’t help but feel bad about it. When we were broken up she rejected me multiple times (it also wasn’t fair of me to put her in the position where she had to reject me) and said things (like what I mentioned above) that she shouldn’t. We both suspect she is on the spectrum, which explains things a bit.
I want things to work, but I can’t forget the things she said and also stop feeling insecure about her distance sexually. This results in me acting a bit weird at times, which in return makes her annoyed.
Is it “normall” she is taking longer to get comfortable with me due to our past as opposed to someone she randomly met?
Tl;dr: Got back with my [33m] ex 28f] two months ago after being apart for two years. We never had a very sexual relationship and she can’t get intimate with me at this moment. I an worried she just isn’t going to ever be attracted to me that way.