I miss my ex girlfriend.
I know everyone is insanely tired of these types of posts. I know there’s nothing that can be said that hasn’t already been said.
But I’m just so lost and hurt. I need to talk to someone. The people in my life are hard to talk to, and they don’t want to hear it anymore. I talk about it in therapy, but that’s every two weeks.
I’m just so miserable. This has genuinely been the worst year of my life. It’s funny, honestly. My ex and I had a little joke whenever I’d drive back to my school from hers that “everything goes wrong when I leave you”. Turns out it’s even worse when it’s the other way around.
Friends have grown distant and hard to reach. I guess that’s just post-college life. I struggled for months mentally. The initial few weeks I was okay – hurt but managing. And then it all went wrong. I couldn’t go a day without weeping. I cried so hard for so long one night my parents nearly sent me to a mental hospital. My childhood cat got sick and passed. I got into a car accident. I struggled with school for the first time in my life (law school).
It’s just been such a difficult year. And frankly, I know and understand this isn’t her fault. I know and understand these things wouldn’t necessarily have gone better had we not broken up. But I do know I would have felt loved. I would have felt loved which hasn’t been true in a while.
All the while I had to watch her move on. Quickly. She was with a new person – someone I had told her she was making me uncomfortable with and who she promised she didn’t like – five days after our breakup. They lasted up until somewhat recently. This all tore my heart to shreds.
I did everything you’re supposed to do to deal. I tried everything, and earnestly. I had no contact with her for months. I worked so hard on myself, reflecting and growing, and trying more than anything to make sure the mistakes I made and the way I made her feel would never happen again.
Then I find out, almost a year to the day that she broke up with me, that she’s single. She liked me on tinder. I knew she did because I let days pass and she wouldn’t stop showing up. The sense of euphoria is incomparable. It was the only time since she broke up with me that I genuinely felt happy. Like I had nearly forgotten the actual feeling of happiness. I decided to match, feeling optimistic.
She made it clear pretty quick she was only it for fun. She wanted to see what would happen. That’s all. I wasn’t insanely surprised. She used to show me (before we were officially dating) conversations with her exes on apps where she would mess with them. She wasn’t doing that with me, she said. She just was genuinely curious.
I asked her some questions and vice versa. She made it clear she didn’t want to get back together. We matched almost the next day on another app, this time with me initiating. We got into a really emotional talk. She said she didn’t feel that way about me anymore, that she thought we were too different and that I didn’t know her, and she didn’t want me to. I didn’t understand. I asked her to clarify. She didn’t. She just unmatched.
She later matched with a friend of mine (again not surprised bc she’ll send someone a like if she knows them). He asked what happened and she said her rebound just didn’t work out but that he was lovely.
I’ve just been a wreck. I have such a dread in my chest. Such pain. It feels like all the air in my lungs has been sucked out. It’s like the breakup was yesterday. Honestly, talking to her it felt like that. Like no time had passed.
I don’t know what I’m going to do from here. I don’t want to harass her or hurt her. I want to respect her wishes and I won’t reach out again anytime soon.
But I just can’t move on. I’ve tried. I’ve been with other people. Some I genuinely liked. But I just can’t feel anything for them. Not for anyone else. Hell it’s been so long. I shouldn’t feel this way. I just don’t want anyone else.
I’m so hurt and sad and angry. Not at her. At me. For only growing and changing when she dumped me. For essentially driving her into other people’s arms. For losing my best friend.
If I could stop dreaming about her it’d be a start. If I could even bring myself to hate her it would be a start. But I can’t. I love her. Somehow the feelings just get stronger. I’m just so hurt and lost.
I just want my favorite person back.