Sorry this is so long.
I need advice. My (25f) husband (26m) and I have been together for about 9 years now and married for almost 5 (anniversary is coming up) We have a daughter (3 f). I have been struggling a lot feeling like a married single mom/wife. When my husband and I first moved in together he was really great about household chores. We both were. That was about 6 years ago.
Now when I ask him to do something like the dishes, he tells me he doesn’t want to. I tell him I would appreciate it if he did, and anytime I bring up any household chore, he asks me when I am going to move the tubs down to the garage or do anything in the garage. (We live in an upstairs condo where we have to walk to the garage. I am small and can’t lift big things like a tub full of heavy things).
I also feel like I’m on my own a lot with our daughter. When I ask him to do something like take her to the potty (potty training) or at least change her pull up, he complains or gives me a choice(toddler duties or household duties.) I tell him again and again that we have to be a team. I get he is tired when he comes home from work and just wants to relax, but I also work full time. Sometimes I feel like it would be better to just to live by myself and our daughter. That’s how it feels now currently. The last time I tried to share how I am feeling, he got upset and was super irritated about it.
What should I do? Should I keep trying to communicate my feelings? I just feel stuck! And I know I’m not perfect. I know I do things that irritate him as well but he doesn’t bring it up unless we are in a screaming match. Please give me any advice. I love him but if this doesn’t change then I don’t know what I’m going to do. There’s a lot more that I can add but this is already long enough.
4 comments
Hi! My wife and I also got married at 20 and 21, 11.5 years ago now. We had a kid right away, and 3 in our first 5 years.
I think the first step here is always to make sure that the intensity of your feelings are clear. If you want him to understand how you’re feeling, you must do your part and be fully honest. You should frame what you say in the context of your love for him, your desire for your marriage to be strong and lasting, etc, but within that context, don’t pull any punches.
“I really love you and I want us to work. But I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like I’m parenting alone and caring for the home alone. In fact, I often feel like being ACTUALLY alone would be easier in some ways. I’m asking for your help. I can’t stay like this.”
From there, the conversation should pivot in one of two directions; either agree to get couples therapy to talk through these issues, or sit down and make a clear, specific plan on the division of household labor that you both sign off on. I do this, you do this, I do this on these days, you do this on these days, etc. Cover all of the regular duties. Include care for baby while you’re both home on there. Who’s primary? Who’s cooking? Who’s doing bed time?
Once you have buy-in, you can refer back to your plan without it just being a vague complaint. “Hey, we agreed on this, remember?” That puts it on him, rather than giving him the out of telling himself you’re just nagging. He agreed!
Best of luck to you two. Getting married as young as we all did is a big risk, and your mid 20s are always going to be destabilizing in many ways. A marriage can be a casualty of this, or it can be a stabilizer, but for it to stabilize, you must be on the same team.
I get that you’re both tired. Have you tried seeing if a schedule for each of you would work?
Like:
He does the dishes on certain days of the week and takes out the trash on certain days.
While you have your own household chores on certain days?
You two can talk about it and see if you can come to an agreement.
Also with the potty thing perhaps consider mentioning he’s missing out on a chance to bond with her in a special way. I mean one day she won’t be needing any help and she’s set. Don’t want to let that chance slip by.
Perhaps when he gets back from home he can get an hour of rest first or whatever works and then he can help out around the house.
OP, I think it is time to be very direct with your husband about this. I had similar issues with my husband. He wasn’t as overt about it though. Our issue was that he expected me to tell him what to do, and I did not want to be a taskmaster or a nag. He would say if you need help, just ask. First of all, that still leaves ME in charge of knowing what has to be done and giving him tasks, which isn’t acceptable to me. Of course when I did ask, he would procrastinate most of the time and he had a lot of excuses, so I just kept on doing everything myself. Anyway, it came to a head and I tried everything. All the talking, all the explaining, etc. Nothing worked. So, I finally went and saw a lawyer to understand my situation and then told him – something changes or this marriage is going to end. It was the one and only time I ever talked about divorce. That’s when things started to turn around. We both had individual therapy, then we had marriage counseling, and I am VERY HAPPY to say this is no longer an issue.
So, I think what you need to do is tell your husband point blank. Either things change, or it’s time to start discussing how a separation would work. Ask him if he wishes to stay married or not. If he says he does, then tell him that either he signs up for individual counseling or you do marriage counseling as a couple because you can’t even have a conversation about your issues with him without him getting angry. Getting professional help is not optional at this point. You need help to get through to him that he is being a bad partner. In the therapy, I’m sure they will come up with recommendations about how to divide up the labor and explain to him that he should do his part. So, once he has his marching orders, you need to hold him to it. You have to get a tough because this won’t work at all if he thinks he can go back to how he has been. He needs to take responsibility and do his fair share.
If he refuses the counseling, then that tells you all you need to know. He does not wish to change and he won’t. In that case, I suggest you make your exit plan.
Thank you for sharing. Try to talk to him when both of you are relaxed and have no distractions. Sit with him and tell him how you truly feel.
When we were newly married, I was not honest about my feelings. I let the day pass that I was upset, the next day, I was angrier. My husband taught me this verse from the Bible: In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.
My husband and I have been married for 28 years and we still apply that verse in our marriage. I am thankful that we enjoy each other’s company. We argue from time to time but we talk about the issues and resolve them. Hope it goes well in your marriage. Praying for you and your husband. God bless.