I dated a girl for six months and we quickly fell in love and had what felt like just the best chemistry.
Our conversations about these feelings and she’d even begun to tell her friends that she thinks I’d be the man she’d marry. She highlighted that in all her history of dating had never said/felt that conviction.
We also had a few fights and then broke up swiftly on our final fight.
Important background that I then and still don’t fully understand the implications: she shared her childhood was traumatic. He father abused her mother and her parents remain in a toxic relationship. I had a very good childhood, but admit our family fought(at worst swearing and yelling). I had never observed any abuse. Although I was tentative to explore or pry about her past (which I now regret), I had always felt “I get to show her what healthy love is”, and was excited to replicate the type of husband/father my father was(the least prone individual in the family to raise his voice or swear and super diplomatic and understanding).
When we would argue I felt she was very good at it. She was also much calmer and less emotional in those arguments, pretty good at staying on her point though (differn’t than being great commnicator as I often felt unacknowledged or seen). I on the other hand was pretty cavalier about swearing, but I never called her names or raised my voice (conversely though I feel I really tried to see her). We didn’t argue well together, and I’d not only lose any footing in being seen when i swore, but I would also be told I’d had been abusive to her. I regret not being more composed but the following are the anecdotes the way I remember them that have then been cited that I am an abuser:
“{name}, you’re being fucking weird”
And one time I was frustrated and I hit myself in the head – admittedly this was kind of embarrassing, but kinda just think of it as an extreme face palm. Also don’t want to diminish this cuz you could argue “if you did that, well that’s just a gateway to physically harming another person” ok ok I get it… that ain’t me
On our final fight she had brought up that she was having some issues with her friend whose boyfriend had exclaimed “you’re still dating that guy” which frustrated me. I’d already known she told her friends EVERYTHING about our relationship, including our fights. But I immediately blamed the friend of hers who told her boyfriend, saying she was “kind of a bitch for doing that” this I regret, not nice, and is also what led to us breaking up. I don’t think the fight got any more heated than that but it did lead to me saying “ok, fuck this” then seconds later begging for forgiveness and desperately pleading for her not to walk away.
The “weird” comment, the “fuck this” the dumb self-abuse, sincerely is the list of things I did. Not diminishing the bad in them but, I am conscious, that anyone reading this could question my attempt to self-preserve to be right and the missing details I might be too insecure to share.
Now her side, which I value, because I do buy into the belief that how a person or situation makes you feel is very relevant and everyone’s reality is their reality:
He screamed and cussed, called her names, he chased aggressively chased her down the street, he tried to make her scared or intimidate her.
This crushed my soul, and something that has haunted me since. I know there’s not a bone in my body that would want to make someone feel scared or in danger, and I’m not stupid enough to think that tactic would keep someone with her experience around.
It was a very hard breakup. I’d periodically try to reach out to see if we could talk and she wouldn’t respond and if she did it would be with a joke at my expense related to abuse. Side note she threatened she was getting a restraining order, which freaked me out(foreshadowing – later told me she had no grounds to do this but knew it would scare me)
After just about a year after our break up and no contact. I get a text from her “it’s been a year and I’m still pissed off at you”
I was elated, I felt vindication in some way too. This girl has tried everything to create a narrative of the monster I am and forget me, and maybe now she’s coming around or seeing me… maybe our love is so powerful.
I apologized for her being pissed at me, and we texted a bit.
This led to what I thought should be a coffee in a public setting, but she said “can I just come to yours, I think I’ll be crying” so she came over….
She said her goal of our conversation was getting closure and for me to admit what I did was wrong and abusive. I had trouble with this but I acknowledged that I made her feel sacred and that I am beyond sorry for ever making her feel that way, and knowing my actions caused that made me certain I would never do such a thing.
She asked if she could cuddle, without me thinking we were getting back together 🙄. We cuddled. We ended up having such a nice time, laughing, smiling, and teh comfort I remember sharing with her. I sensed that unexplained chemistry.
Later that week I asked if she wanted to watch a movie, and she said no she’s sad, and as I explored why she was sad she expressed that she was still in love with me, but can’t hangout because of what I did to her. We talked on the phone for 15 minutes and then she was at my apartment where we talked for a few hours. We ended up hooking up.
The next day we started having conversations about another try at our relationship and decided we would try.
The next day she recoiled “I can’t do this”
Then a week later, she texted me “can we just have sex” and made it clear no strings. We did.
But as we hung out more it was clear that we do love hanging out and love talking.
This kept pushing and pulling, not sure how many times she recoiled total. I pushed her away by being honest that I love her and hoped we could try to explore dating. Her husband would never yell “fuck off” or “fuck you” or whatever her current memory of the event is.
Now we aren’t talking.
Through this most recent series of us chatting and hanging out I had learned that she had contacted my prior exes. I don’t want to say to slander me, because she could explain her good or rational intentions… but she essentially told them how I abused her. I also learned that she had periodically unblocked and reblocked me on instagram to see if I was dating anyone so that she could vigilantly warn any woman hanging around me. Fortunately I have been pretty emotionally unavailable and the one girl I dated wasn’t active on social media.
I have talked to my therapist throughout this experience and I am sure you can imagine him shaking his head at my draw to try and get back with my ex. Don’t worry, I was too and am now, but I can’t put words to how convicted I was with ending up with {name} due to our unexplainable chemistry. The talks with the therapist have led him to say she exhibits narcissism and maybe even bipolar. Which I think is a little extreme, but I do agree that I have fallen under a spell and have accommodated her a bit to much in affirming her experience as truth and allowing her to trust her narrative … but in all honesty I navigated everything knowing she might call me a gaslighter if I ever denied her side of the story. Also, for what it’s worth I have been very open and honest with my therapist and he’s knows I am not perfect.
Anyways, I am happy she reached out as it helps me feel that she did in fact have strong feelings for me but with that she isn’t very reliable in her feelings and in someways I should try and invalidate the things she said about me being a bad person. I do think through the experience of losing her I’m much more wary of how to argue and that maybe the type of arguments I have observed in my family aren’t necessarily the healthiest approach, and can be avoided.
At this point I just think it’s crazy how fucked up relationships can get and also how righteous she feels. Particularly in taking steps to potentially sabotage prior relationships and new ones. Secondly the coldness in her jokes she would say at my expense after we broke up.
I’m scared of calling her out because of the dirt(her versions of the story) she has on me and what I know she is capable of. Honestly, kinda fresh too but part of me doesn’t want to burn a bridge… she has come so far in terms of totally avoiding me too volunteering to hang out, being indimate, and having great conversations…
I know there are details missing and I am not sure what can help paint a fuller picture without being an entire novel.
I speculate that if I have given a clear enough story and enough details… some of you may draw that regardless of my perspective/narrative I am abusive. Some might draw I am anxiously attached or the victim of a narcissist. Or maybe I’m too self absorbed to think my story is unique or interesting, I really don’t know. But it would be cool to hear any thoughts and if you can relate to either perspective.
I feel something is unfulfilled, potentially because the last thing I said to her was I love her and after writing this it doesn’t sit well that she doesn’t know or acknowledge that she has done bad things. I don’t expect to change her but I know her feedback was pretty thought-provoking made me explore how my actions can make people feel, and changed me in some great ways particularly creating a stronger identity.
Basic questions:
Am I abusive or do I exhibit any toxic traits?
Is she the one exhibiting toxic relationship traits?
Can you relate to either of us?