husband (25m) has a long term “B list” actress (25f) friend and it makes me (26f) insecure

33 comments

1. It sounds like you have some deep seeded insecurities you need to address before you are capable of being a good partner to anyone. Their friendship doesn’t sound inappropriate or even flirtatious. This is his life long friend, do not be surprised at all if he chooses her over your craziness.

   Best case scenario for you is he picks you and resents you forever for it putting a strain on your relationship and significantly lowering the chances of its long term success.

   Are you getting help for your insecurity? It sounds like the only real problem with your relationship.

2. You know if he does choose you, he will resent you for every day that you spend together.

3. If they’ve know each other since elementary school, then the “sibling lockout” factor is probably pretty strong. This is the yuck factor that keeps people from being interested in people they were raised with. So he probably doesn’t think of her like that at all.

4. Damn lmao. You just opened the gate for her😂 you already know he clapping cheeks tonight😂😂😂😂she gon de stress him aight fr though get help

5. I’d suggest offering to go to couples therapy to discuss both your insecurities *and* his codependent relationship with his friend. There must be some compromise here. But don’t freeze him out for too long or it will dull the lines of communication. Go home.

   You are not crazy btw. I’d go wild if some beautiful, glamorous person was codependent on my partner. Anybody who says otherwise is delusional.

   Edit: I would go equally nuts if his friend was a guy who was like this. Not from jealousy but from the sheer nuisance of it.

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7. I think you’ve gone about it the wrong way completely , yes their friendship is crossing the line of codependency but you wanting her gone completely is weird especially how long they’ve been friends. And your obsession with her going and finding someone or marrying someone, screams like your jealous or insecure, like why are you so bothered about her life? I think you both need to have a serious talk and he needs to set boundaries with her and you need to go to therapy or talk about these issues with him.

8. “i just want her out of our life. i want a life without her. she has always been here and its sickening. when we first met she was there. years on and she’s still here.”

   why did you marry him knowing this?

9. Some pretty bad advice you got. No matter how this plays out now, you both resent each other.

10. you and your friends suck, i hope he chooses his friend of over a decade over you. you reek of insecurity and then you have the audacity to think you are the better person after you ghost him lmao. id break up with you

11. I can see how frustrated you are, and I’m sorry it has gotten to this point. I think you and your husband need couples counseling to discuss your communication issues. Also, his friendship with her sounds inappropriate and too intimate for what I would be comfortable with my husband having. You took a very firm stand, (a bit too firm), but I can see your reason behind it. Just try to talk to him and say that you want a relationship with him, and without her shadow always hanging around. I think you two should talk through boundaries with communication for him and her (how long on the phone or messages, length of in-person visits, etc.) Tell him you want the two of you to work, but you need more clear boundaries with her in order to feel secure with it. Focus on action steps the two of you can take, rather than emotions that may derail you moving forward together.

12. She’s right you’re an awful person for this. He apparently only has two friends and you want to cut one out because you’re insecure.

    He already picked you.

    And your friends suck too.

13. No idea why you’re replying to her. This is between you and him. It just makes you look bad if you start pulling her in.

14. It sounds like you really need to work on your insecurities. He’s proven that you can trust him and that he truly loves you. You admitted that you don’t listen when he reassures you, and you claim to trust him, yet you don’t believe him when he tells you not to worry. He’s your husband. He made a vow to you and, from the sounds of it, he’s remained true and faithful.

    Also, ultimatums are hardly ever a good idea, no matter what your friends said. You may have driven him away by asking him to cut off one of his only two friends. That’s a recipe for lifelong resentment.

    What happens if he makes another female friend? Will you get jealous of her too and give your husband yet another ultimatum?

15. You got bad advice from your friends. When you make an ultimatum you have to be prepared to hear that the person didn’t pick you. You tipped things further that way by walking out. Not much you can do now but go home and find out what he chose.

    If by some chance he does agree to give up one of his dearest lifelong friends for you, you should immediately commit to individual as well as couples therapy. You will have inflicted a huge amount of pain on him because of your own insecurities, and you should commit to working through that together and to addressing your own issues individually as well

16. are you in therapy? because you should be. you should not be this insecure over a lifelong friend, and if their friendship really is that inappropriate, then you should have left him a long time ago out of respect for yourself. you made this so, so messy

17. Stop listening to your friends. Really bad advice. If it’s such a problem you could just set boundaries but the ultimatum was to much. His know her he’s whole life. I feel like you just ruined your marriage.

18. Go to couples counseling or break up, no point in being unhappy.

19. Man, you suck.
    He’s got maybe two friends only and one of them happens to be a single woman. She’s 26 and single and you think that’s a BAD thing? Sounds like she’s got other priorities. Also, how do YOU know she hasn’t dated around and had a bad experience? He’s known her longer than you.

    I actually want him to choose his friendship over you because you are just awful. You didn’t say anything about anything he was doing that was sketchy and your focus is mostly on her. You’re jealous and insecure. She can be friends with him even if he isn’t rich or a celebrity. Your friends are horrible and are giving horrible advice. Jumping straight to an ultimatum was horrible. Horrible horrible horrible friends. For someone like you, who is being horrible right now.

    Also, of course when she invites him you’re his +1, what?! You’re literally his +1. She is extended the invitation to a friend she has known almost all her life, and his partner. You’re awful and exhausting, and you’ve placed him in this horrible position where if he chooses his friend, he’ll lose you and if he chooses you, he’ll resent you for your horrible ultimatum and it will be there, in the back of his mind. That you’re so insecure and jealous that he gave up one of his closest friends for you, and then what? Will his one other friend be too much? Will he spend too much time with his other friend and then you’ll give him that ultimatum too?

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21. I’m going to go against the grain here and say the friendship he has with this woman is inappropriate. You’ve expressed your discomfort multiple times and he doesn’t set boundaries from what I see or do anything to make you feel safe in the relationship besides “reassure” you that she’s ‘just a friend’ The things she says, and the way she obsesses over him, how they are always in contact all the time essentially; is just not right and there’s no boundaries at all. Honestly I would’ve done the same thing. You should buy him the book “Not Just Friends” it goes over in depth how friendships becoming emotional affairs and the fine line between them.

22. Your reaction was super immature, you should have communicated instead of giving him an ultimatum. If the tables were turned and he told you that you couldn’t talk to your best friend, how would you feel? Take this as an opportunity to grow up and handle this in a mature way, if you care about your boyfriend then stop playing games.

    Edit: omg he’s your husband?!? Wtf girl, grow up!!! You already have him, you should have taken this as an opportunity to make a new girlfriend. You should probably see a therapist. I hope you haven’t lost your husband in all of this, over something that didn’t even exist…

23. Bet it’s Chloé Grace Moretz.

24. Speaking from.experience, ultimately what you have done is make a small issue a huge issue. By leaving to “get his attention” i can 1000% guarantee that will always be in the back of his mind for the rest of your relationship. AND it wont be a good thing.

    What you said about this person is extremely insecure, you treat and speak of her like just because shes an actress every one wants her. You seem to forget your husband had years of opportunity, if he honestly seen her in that way and she seen him that way THEY would be together. INSTEAD HE CHOSE YOU!!!

    They definetly sound as tho they have a brother/sister type vibe, and maybe a little co-dependant..BUT she was his friend first, they had a relationship, your insecurities are NOT her problem.
    If you really wanted to show your husband love then you should have welcomed this person as your friend as well, build a relationship and friendship with her, be secure in your relationship with your husband. Your jealousy is not very becoming, and i suggest therapy just for you to realize theres different types of strong relationships and love and one of them is friendship

    I wish you luck, you arent a bad person, but you are going down a bad road

25. Honestly I understand the feeling. Maybe everyone else on here would say I suck too, but sometimes we just feel insecure. I do at times.
    I’d definitely connect with a couples therapist. My husband and I have been going over the last year and it’s helped give some insight and open lines of communication. I think having a neutral party who is qualified to answer questions has been extremely helpful. Sometimes friends aren’t the best at giving life advice tbh.

    You don’t suck. You aren’t a bad person for feeling insecure. You need some tools to help communicate feelings and to be reassured your husband will continually choose you. It’s hard to believe that when what you see is a codependent relationship that could turn romantic at any moment. I think a good therapist can help you both get onto the road toward a healthier relationship with each other.

26. You and your friends sound absolutely horrid. This guy fucking *married* you but you can’t control your insecurities over this long time friend (you even said yourself you can’t stop comparing yourself to her). Your friends are fucking morons if they think this is the way to go about this. It sounds like you’ve got no grasp on your own value to him, so you try to sabotage one good thing he has because you’re jealous of his friend? “We’re not rich why won’t she leave us alone?” To be clear, you may not be totally out of line with her saying suspicious things but this is the worst way to go about it instead of actually communicating with your husband. Of course a childhood friend will be close to him, they’ve known each other for a long time. She even invited you as *his* plus one, because she’s HIS friend (not yours) and you’re his wife. She’s not trying to break you guys apart if she’s inviting you as well. And good on her for blocking you, you sound awful. I hope your husband picks her, and finds someone who actually has the self awareness to work on their jealousy and self worth, and not tear something good apart.

27. Some advise from your friends. Now he will resent you forever.

28. haha yeah let me guess: you took advice from all your single friends and now wonder what the result is gonna be 🤣🤣🤣

29. What it boils down to is not her occupation or how attractive anyone thinks she is, but the fact that your husband has no boundaries with her and seems to be “dating” her.

    However, you do sound super paranoid and a little too invested in projecting all kinds of things onto her. Maybe some therapy would help you?

30. Holy crap. Your friends are a bunch of bitter women huh… What kind of bs advice was that and you followed it up? You say you Really Really trust him. Then wth? An ultimatum between you and a childhood friend with no history and evidence of an affair. Also one thing i want to say, you say they laugh alot and doesn’t with you, well that makes complete sense, if it were a guy friend you wouldnt bat an eye, but because its a woman… Anyways i hope you find a way to make it up to him. It was cruel and unfair af.

31. I think you really messed up. This was a long long platonic friendship you wanted him to grenade. If they had wanted to be a couple, they would have been.

    Your husband’s friend is too focused on her career to deal with messy relationships…look at the mess yours and your husband’s marriage is in now. I cannot fault you for expecting better set boundaries and spoken expectations, but ultimatums NORMALLY BACKFIRE. Your husband is probably feeling that you went out and had a “revenge hook up” when you left him and cut off all contact with him. That was not something you do to a spouse. You waited THREE days before even turning your phone back on. That’s a lot of YOU sleeping with other men in his eyes.

    Your ultimatum stunt very well may have just opened the door wide open for your husband’s long time friend to land him in the sack…or steal him from you. Your friends gave you bad advice, but I can understand that doing the “pick me” dance is just as bad. Your husband just is too naïve to understand how much his friendship with another person, especially a single woman, threatens you. I was in your husband’s shoes and my wife accused me of having an improper long term friendship with another woman. How did she handle it? She cheated on me. A lot. I divorced her. Two decades later, she cries knowing that I was actually faithful to her our entire marriage and even turned down revenge hook ups by three different betrayed wives of our so called friends she slept with. And right now, that’s probably where your husband’s mind is…that you’ve been sleeping with other men for those three days. You better get your rear end back home if you want to save the marriage, but I’m honestly afraid what may have gone on in your absence…not all men are as strong willed to honor wedding vows as I am.

32. Man the advice you are getting is pure crap.

    You are insecure and somewhat jealous and I mean, famousish actress, fair. You are valid in how you feel. I don’t think you have explained exactly how or why you have reached this breaking point but I think that would get you better advice.

    It sounds like your husband’s repsonse to your insecurity, which is crucial, was to just kind of nod and say okay, and remember it. And he has turned down events you were going to feel the third wheel but that’s like, bare freaking minimum.

    Did you have conversations about boundaries, or did they all turn into him reexplaining over and over why you shouldn’t feel this way? Because you will just feel how you feel and honestly you don’t seem to have done anything crazy until you reached this breaking point and even then, you’re not keying any cars, you’re giving an ultimatum to remove yourself from a stressful situation.

    Your husband’s reaction should have been okay, what do you need? Do you need to be friends with her? Do you need me to limit time spent with her? Do you need us to do our visits away from the house? Shorter visits so she doesn’t monopolize me while she’s here? No inside jokes or long reminiscing around you, save that for another time? Need some serious conversations about how they feel about each other? It sounds like your husband has been trying to talk you out of your feelings instead of working with them. Often when we respect boundaries they start to get more flexible. When we can see oh, yes, these guys will prioritize me and keep their friendship very strictly platonic, no complaints. Then it is easier to go okay, I am starting to get used to this perosn and I like them, I am okay with seeing them more. Boundaries are about trust. Just because they’ve known each other forever does not mean their routine takes priority over you, not if he’s going to marry you but then not prioritize your feelings.

    Her sending you a message about how horrible you are and blocking you is not a good sign. To me that says you husband panicked and finally started prioritizing you, trying to get you back, or even showed her how effected he was. A friend would have been concerned and said shoot I am messing things up here, I will step back and please reach out when we can reestablish a healthy relationship. Her insulting you definitely indicates she does not feel like following your boundaries and sure, at this point saying no contact looks unreasonable out of the blue, but clearly for you and hopefully somewhat for your husband it is not.

    At the end of the day, your deal breakers are your deal breakers and if this is one of them, then so be it. I can’t judge if their relationship was healthy or not but it does sound like your husband was blatantly ignoring your feelings and boundaries and that is not healthy at all. Asking partners for distance from opposite sex friends is a pretty standard thing, and it sounds like they were extremely close. They should be allowed to have close friends, but it is okay to be asked to be let in on that process and have your own learning curve of trusting this friend, and their unwillingness to grant you that is not alright. Unfortunate it has reached these extremes, but oh well.

    Your husband needs distance form this friend, and then you need to go to marriage counseling if you both want to move forward. These are problems that can be worked on and compromised, but whether or not you achieve that is kind of up to whether you are able to let your resentment go or not. But make sure you do not end up in another situation you are uncomfortable in for a long period of time, because it will build right back up again, and relationships don’t really survive two nukes in the same sore spot.

    Good luck, please remember while reading these comments that your feelings are valid and fragile and need to be tended to, not ignored. They get out of control when we and others try to push them away, so what probably started as healthy skepticism has run away from you and a step back sounds very healthy.

33. Have you ever heard the saying “if he wanted to, he would have?” Well…this applies here. If he wanted to date and marry this friend, he would have shot his shot a long time ago. But guess what? He chose YOU!

    You could have communicated this to him in a calm and healthy manner but you chose to go straight to an ultimatum and leaving. Even if he does choose you, I don’t see this marriage lasting much longer unless you do some serious work on yourself and get the jealousy issues under control. Good luck, you’re gonna need it sis.