TRIGGER WARNING: domestic violence/ SA
Back in 2020 I dated my ex, he became extremely abusive throughout the time I was with him; I won't go into too much detail but I will say that he abused me sexually, physically, mentally and even financially. My ex broke up with me, but continues to stalk me (he creates new social media or gets new phone numbers to talk to me). I decided to gather evidence of what he did (as I did not take pictures when we were together) so I can take legal action.
Now, I have been in consistent therapy since my ex broke up with me, and last year I started dating my now bf. We are in a long distance relationship due to him being stationed in Hawaii. My bf is the opposite of my ex, he is caring, loving and extremely respectful (sometimes to a fault and we laugh about it). Nevertheless, I still struggle with what I endured with my ex.
Onto the incident!
My ex told me he was moving back to our hometown soon, and I took precautions so he couldn't find where I live just in case.
Yesterday I was grocery shopping with my parents; we divided and conquer by each of us grabbing different items and then just reuniting at the register, so they weren't with me. I felt a pair of hands on my hips, turns out it was my ex that was smiling at me. He learned over and whispered that he was "happy to see me" and that I "looked extremely cute." My ex tried to continue speaking, but thankfully someone came over and pretended to need something from the shelf so my ex ran away. The stranger asked me if I was okay and I nodded before rushing to where my parents were; I didn't tell my parents in that moment as I wanted to process things first.
The problem?
I got home, and I took my anxiety medication as well as book an emergency session with my therapist. I was going to text my bf about it, as part of my therapy is being more open with people around me, but he was at work, so I waited until he left work to tell him. HOWEVER! I forgot my bf was going out with some of his friends to get a tattoo.
Since we aren't in the same time zone I usually wait up for him (as my time is 5 hours ahead of his), so I was waiting for him to come back after his tattoo. But my bf kept insisting I go to bed despite me refusing and telling him I wanted to talk to him.I know he meant well since I struggle with insomnia and nightmares.
Things eventually came to a head when my boyfriend accidentally said something that reminded me of my ex(my bf doesn't know this specific instance) and sent me spiraling into a survival mode. When I would argue with my ex if I tried to defend myself things would escalate, so when my boyfriend accidentally triggered me I shut down and started to give one word responses. Eventually my bf got home and asked if I wanted to call, but at that point I was too tired physically (as I was not only in survival mode but also having an anxiety attack) but also mentally and I just shut him out.
(I work really hard on dealing with everything on my own and controlling myself. The first year after my ex broke up with me I did exhibit behaviors that I excused with my trauma, but thanks to therapy I have slowly been able to heal, and my good days outnumber the bad days.)
Now that I have manged to at least get my emotions under control, I feel bad bc ik it wasn't my boyfriend's fault. But how do I tell him about it? I know he is hurt for being shut out, but I also don't want to tell him about it and make it seem like my trauma is an excuse for my behavior.
How do I let him know what happened now that I fucked up by shutting him out?