i 19m and my boyfriend 19m are going on an 11 months relationship. we started dating as soon as school started in august, but we had flirted, talked, facetimed, and played video games together in the summer leading up to it.
i had a history with swapping nudes and trading on snap a lot, it was a habit i completely put aside when i got into this relationship – which was a big deal for me and pretty hard. i made sure to not have wandering eyes, and really put my all into having this happy genuine college love. and it was going great for a while. there was some bumps in the road, and something that bothered me was i always asked to take naps and cuddle with him but he would say he wanted to nap alone or had something, which always threw me off. it hurt, but i got over it. i would eventually see him later that day, or the next day. sleepovers started happening at our dorms, and everything was good.
in october, i brought him to my home in a suburb outside the city where our school is. (btw we’re both masc and straight presenting. i am not out to my family, nor is he. my parents can prolly connect the dots but thats besides the point) it was a fun opportunity to disconnect from school, and have some time for each other. i enjoyed it, he met my parents, we had fun.
this was a long weekend, and i drove him up to school for chapter late this sunday evening, and i was planning on going back up the next day. i dropped him off, said goodbye, and returned to school the next day.
from then till our winter break, everything was good. it all led up to the big “i love you” right before winter break. it was cute, he sat me down, said the whole spiel, i was blushing – all of it. then we said our goodbyes for winter break, one whole month away from each other.
we returned in mid january to a cold winter in the city. coming back was good tho, i missed him and it was good to reconnect. the semester started, and the year carried on.
we hung out a good amount to be honest, id say once a day, and usually more if we could. sleepovers every so often. he rearranged his room one day, and ended up having a top bunk in the corner of a room. this was interesting, i thought it was stupid but whatever. it’s the end of january, we have time to switch the room back so why not. again, hanging out and we lay up there so much my eyes eventually wander to all the surroundings in the room. being so high up was like a perch’s nest. on top of the closets, he had a big stack of boxes and everything kind of willy nilly. but i noticed this box, bigger than all of them was folded inwards on itself, you know where it overlaps and stays closed. but, i had been with (we’re gonna call him) alex for months at this point, and we never bought anything or moved anything with that box ever. i took a mental note, and moved on and probably fell asleep or whatever i was doing.
couple days later, i’m in alex’s dorm room and he has to leave for like a couple minutes for whatever reason so im like “okay” thinking nothing of it. but then i remember i was curious about that box, so i took a chair and stuck my hand through the flaps and felt what was in it. i moved my hand around and sort of felt like this plastic cold idek how to describe but i was like “hmmm that’s not right” like that’s not something recognizable. you could move it slightly but the box was heavy too, i couldn’t mess with it right now at all so i noted again and moved on. alex came back, and i just wondering what was in that box, what was going on.
the bookmark came back from my head one day and i really made it a priority to figure out what was in there. his roommate had started seeing this girl, so he was out way more. and by chance, i wanted to stayyyyy when he went to class. he thought nothing of it, and went to class. this is when i went to work.
i took a photo of this exact box tower on top of his dresser, and took the boxes down one by one. i took down the big box, and yall. there was a smell.
it smelled like piss
i opened this box, and it is absolutely filled with soaked diapers. i was in absolute fucking disgust. i do not mess with that shit at all. and i had absolutely no clue, no idea, that this was a thing ever. i was so mindfucked to say the least. my head. was. spinningggggg. what the actual hell is going on. i breathed, calmed down. put everything back. and just thought. i didn’t know what to think. i just knew there was more. what the fuck is this i was thinking.
life carried on as normal tbh, i didn’t do anything for a minute. mid february rolls around and this is where i decided to go through his phone one night. i had never gone through his phone ever before. i trusted him, this whole genuine college love right? but, he threw me a curveball. so i essentially signed my own search warrant into his phone that night.
i found some bad stuff yall. a good amount of people (10-15) that were on his snapchat that he had traded nudes and diaper pics with. it was gross. seeing my boyfriend in a diaper, seeing other people, seeing what he was saying to them, seeing what he wanted them to do to him. everything. i saw it all. i sweeped his whole snapchat and looked at everything. best part, one of the people was added. the day i dropped him back off at school in october. which means, for more than our relationship than not, he had been talking to other people. i was fucking broken. i went to bed.
woke up the next morning, and confronted him. he was completely broken too. trust guys i ripped him a new asshole, yelled, had so many questions. we talked about it for hours, said we were going to be taking a break. then reevaluating. we came back a couple days later on my accord and talked for hours on what this was. he wore them as a child and it developed to whatever the fuck this was. i told him to put it aside, or put me aside. he had to pick. i told him he practically needed to overhaul himself as a human to prove he still loved me. and he started. we moved on from february into march and things were slowly getting better. i told my one friend some stuff but not the full story, she hated him. i wanted to give him a chance cuz i didnt want to throw everything we had out the window but i was hurt, really bad. he had also been using this site to find diaper people btw, which i made him delete. but this is important. i also forgot to add, he told me that over winter break. he said that he MET with someone with a diaper thing whatever the fuck and they like did diaper things. not getting into the details on that. but wowwwww
so during spring break, i swapped head with a friend of mine. i wanted to feel what he felt when he cheated on me. oh btw. remember he said he loved me winter break. yeah. me too. but we came back to school and things were ehhh but whatever. the end of the school year is nearing and i decided to i wanted to open the relationship. i was just kinda in a lost zone and wanted to experience other guys again, however remember i killed the diaper thing with alex? i just opened a door again. he met with a diaper person, and i met with a guy. whatever i felt better tbh and we just felt renewed and more open and honest with each other. we had talked and grown so much since february and felt like we could do this. we eventually left school and went to our homes where we live about 3 thousand miles apart. more separation. woohoo.
i travel to florida within the month of may, and our relationship is open. i felt alex wasn’t completely being honest with me when i asked him about these diaper questions, so i decided to make an account on his diaper site he uses. i pose as another person, and find him. boom. i start chatting and asking questions, posing as a newbie to this world and us saying all the things “we would do together”. this was technical “legal” since tje relationship was open. but i felt so weird ab this. i called him the next day and we closed the relationship that night, but guess who got texts the next morning!!!
me. i got texts. from alex. on the diaper site. the night after we closed our relationship.
UGH. i’m pissed
eventually that day, i absolutely grill him for the texting, like i am completely done. does he want this relationship? i have a flight to him this summer should i not go? like fucking one more mess up and ur cooked bro. i am not playing.
(ugh i deleted this paragraph so im re writing) but then the time came to see each other and it was really good. it was really good to heal and good for us to be connected. i felt good and he did too. we both talked about our relationship and healing and how we were doing and it was all genuinely good. he came back to my home town, and eventually flew home. for us to see each other in six weeks at school
but basically where i am at now, is i always think he is on the diaper site or texting other people. i am always worried and i trust him but i feel like j don’t. i also dont know if i am in love with him. like i think i am? like i want this to work and j am rooting for him but i dont know if i love him. how do i know? there’s is many people who are probably better and i know but im so conflicted. if i break up with him there’s the side of tiktok that’s like “he gave me trauma from the break up, he’s horrible” and there’s the side like “healing from a breakup”. do i want a break up? i don’t think so. but i am just so lost will i ever completely trust him again? i feel like that’s the foundation of a relationship. i’m so confused. i wanted a genuine college love relationship. am i just trying too hard to make it sormthing it’s not? i also want to log into his snapchat and ask for forgiveness later as well, i don’t know. i feel like he is snapping peklle and i have his password but that would be shitty. what if i found something? would i end it? idk