So, I (24, f) am in a relationship with my boyfriend (24, m) for more than a year now. however at the start of april due to many issues coming from his side which he didn't change it was just too much so I broke up. However we got together again in may and slowly met up again and got closer again. However during that time period when we weren't together, as he wanted to fight for me and not give up on the relationship, he sent me letters and texted me or called me. Then I told him that I just simply need time to realize what I want and he told me he understands and I should take my time. However contrary to him saying he understands he did the opposite. He sent me texts, he called me, sometimes he would just show up in front of my door and wanting to talk. It was so intense, it made me even more confused. And then he started saying things like "he needs to know now!" because "he doesn't know if I am playing with him and am just using him right now" which really hurt me so much that he said such nonsense after one year of being together. Additionally, there is nothing for me to gain from such a thing and he knows my personality that I would never do something like that so I was so surprised and baffled he would even think this. Anyway, due to him being so pushy and pressuring me it just only got harder for me to realise what I want as the heartbreak and stress was just too much. Even though he is the one who says he wants to fight for me, he did everything to disregard my comfort and only think about what he wants.
Time goes by, I decided to give this relationship another chance, yet still being unsure due to all the stress. I also had exams and hand-ins coming up from university so I didn't have much time either. After I finished my exams we met up more often and we had long talks and it ended up becoming very nice between us. We were able to talk so openly and it felt to both of us better than ever before. It was basically everything I was hoping for the whole time.
Then about 4 weeks ago, he told me that his female friend (whom he is in a friend group with since highschool and he went on vacation with just right after our breakup) told him that she realised she has feelings for him. This however was a big thing because she was the one giving him ALL the advice during the time we weren't together. She was the one telling him "she's playing you, she had enough time to think about what she wants" so the question was how genuine was her advice or did she do it for her own gain.
Also side information: when they were teenagers in high school they once slept together when they were drunk (~16/17 y). He then wanted to date, she didn't want to, but then he didn't care anymore. A few years later when they started university at age ~19 she kept "trying to have sex with him" e.g. she would tell him to come to her place that many of their friends were there so he went but when he arrived only she was there as she wanted sex, but he didn't so he left. or when all their friends would be together at their place when he wanted to go home she would always tell him "why don't you sleep over? so you don't have to go home at this late hour" but he only lived 1km away, so he obviously went home. Anyway, he told me about these things and I am not the jealous type or person at all but I just honestly never had a good feeling about her.
So when he told me she said she has feelings for me, it was like a confirmation to my doubts. Anyway, he told her that he doesn't feel this way and they should stop contact so she can deal with it and once she's over it in a few months she can text him. So they did that. But only after ~2 weeks, they already had contact again and he told me "I think she's just the type of person that gets over these things quickly." Then just last weekend she texted him saying she wants to go clubbing with him, she asked him for Thursday, so he wasn't able to, and then on Saturday she asked him again. He texted me asking if it would bother me. I told him as a friend group ok but just the two of them I feel like it's a bit disrespectful towards me bc she told him she loves him, texted him right away again then wants to go clubbing with just the two of them (easiest place where she could make a move due to alcohol and close distance as clubs are crowded) while fully knowing he has a girlfriend! I'm sorry but I would never ever go after a man who is in a relationship with someone else, that is in my eyes just disrespectful or am I going crazy?
Anyway, he decided not to and also ended up blocking her (I didn't tell him to, his own decision). Then suddenly two days ago we talked about it and he casually mentioned that actually in may she wrote him a letter of TWELVE (!!) pages that she loves him and realized it on the trip. But he never told me that. He only told me about them meeting and her saying that she has feelings. Obviously it really disturbed me, I wanted to know what was written in the letter he just kept saying "just that she loves me and that she realised on the trip" as if a twelve page letter had only two sentences. So I said I would like to know, but he said it doesn't matter what was written and he threw the letter away. Then yesterday we talked again, I told him "it doesn't make me feel good that he kept such things a secret and also it disturbs me that he wouldn't tell me what was written in that letter because after all that happened and how disrespectful she is towards me I feel like that it's understandable that I want to know and him not telling me and trying to hide things from me again just makes it even worse" and I got super frustrated and told him very clear that I cannot stand this woman (that I never met) anymore and why she would do that to me. So after getting visually frustrated he told me about it, that she said she realised she had feelings for him when they planned the trip (it was supposed to be with another friend joining them) which at the time we were together in a relationship so not only was it just during the time we had broken up but already before when me and him were together. She wrote that she loves him and that she realised how similar they are and how well they can talk about their feelings and that she knows that he also has feelings for him. She further said that she first subconsciously and then on purpose gave advice to make her chances higher that it would work out between the two of them.
It baffled me entirely that first of all she said that and still tries to go after him. I got even more frustrated and just hurt too, I was talking pretty calm but upset. I felt so deceived that after all that, he would tell me when she wrote him again "I think she just gets over these things very quickly" because that is VERY much not the case if they are friends for years and she has feelings for him since a long time, especially not when she literally wrote him a twelve page letter ?! I just feel so disrespected and during that time we weren't together all the things he did and said were just impacting me so much I had such a hard time and to this day in whatever it is I cannot feel what it is that I want. It feels like for every little decision in my life I am incapable of feeling and realising what I want because I was so pressured back then and turns out, she did all that on purpose to get better chances to get into a relationship with him.
He kept saying how I shouldn't care what she feels because he doesn't have any feelings for her and even me asking about it made him upset because he is always very vocal about how much he loves me and that she is anyway already blocked. But of course he can block her but they still have common friends and go to the same birthday parties (today is one!). Also he also said a lot of times in the past week that it makes him upset and angry too because he likes her as a friend, and so it's sad that it is this way. And ofc if she gets over it he would be friends again but not before. I am not sure if I am wrong about this but how can you still want to be friends with someone who has been so disrespectful towards your own girlfriend and yourself too. If a male friend of mine would do that I would be so shocked and disappointed by these actions that it is no longer a person I want to be friends with because my friends wouldn't do that! They wouldn't sabotage another couple's relationship and go after a guy despite knowing he has a girlfriend.
I don't really know what to think anymore and especially don't know what to do and how to react. We decided to talk about it again tomorrow evening. I also just feel dumb because I have never been the jealous type, I never forbid what he can or can't do, it makes me feel as if I am the "crazy girlfriend". But it just feels super disrespectful. Also how he kept the whole story from me and I just really hate this woman so much. I feel so much rage, frustration that I really wish for nothing good in her life. It also upsets me that today they will for sure meet up at the birthday party (I could have gone too but I just didn't want to see her and I have another birthday party of my friend, which is more important to me).
TL;DR: I never had a good feeling about the female friend of my boyfriend due to her actions in the past. I have never met her, but only heard bad things. She actively tried to sabotage our relationship and gave bad advice to him on purpose for her own gain to get higher chances to be with him. She told him about her feelings, which he did tell me. But he kept it a secret that she wrote him a 12-pages-long loveletter. I feel frustrated, I am doubtful and would like to know opinions, advice and comments about parts of my text as I have never been in this situation before.