Backstory. I am 25F. My step mom is 50F and dad is 50M. My parents divorced when I was 7. I grew up with a single dad (until he met my step mom). They dated for a while before getting married, at least 8 years. I am also not close to my mom, we don’t have a relationship. My dad got full custody of us after my mom left him when I was very young. I won’t go into all of the why details with that though!
Me and my dad have never been that close. I am the oldest and he has always been very hard on me. He grew up with a very strict dad (and mom) and from what I have heard him say, he was never shown hardly any affection or love. He was very hard on me growing up and very, very strict. I used to really hate him and despise him for how he treated me but now that I’m in my mid-20s and have done significant amounts of inner work, I love him and I have forgiven him and feel at peace with everything he has done. Now that I have my own children, I have seen his heart change and he has been showing his love through them in the love that he didn’t show me. It brings me happiness and just pure love for him.
The problem is… I have never been able to talk to him about this. And I really mean that I can’t. I have had children and have been married for 7 years. Since then and really since they married, I have not once been able to talk to my dad, text my dad, call my dad, visit my dad without her HAVING to be there and know everything. I text my dad pictures of my kids, she texts me and get jealous wanting pics too. I call him, she’s there and talking while I’m trying to talk to him. She quite literally pushes herself into the middle of mine and my dad’s relationship and I have never gotten a chance to connect with him like I have needed and wanted so deeply. When I share how I feel, she takes it out on my dad and I don’t want her doing that so I don’t say anything. I have tried to talk to my step mom about how she’s too much and when I’ve tried to, she cries and gets upset. My dad has also gotten upset with me but that was a long time ago, at least 5 years ago. He has said recently that it’s not his problem for her being upset if he sees my kids or me and she is jealous and he is not going to change how he is. That makes me happy. But now, it’s me who is struggling bad with it.
Anyways… My step mom was a single mother to one child and her childhood was very difficult as well. She has her own trauma and problems, as everyone does. She is very insecure, opinionated, loud, has to be the center of attention, has to be in the know of everything and overall just very pushy. In simpler terms, she has SEVERE fomo. Her and my dad are now empty nesters as well so I think she finds her purpose in me and my kids.
My step mom has been gone for almost a month on a trip and it’s been the best thing ever just spending time with my dad and one other sibling without her here. I have been at such peace and me and my dad have never been closer. We are actually planning on talking tomorrow and that’s why I’m coming on so I can know how to talk to him. Not for judgement please. I know that her being gone on this trip has been for the good and has been meant to be so that things could happen.
I have recently gone through extensive therapy and am finally confident in how I feel and I finely understand it as well. Along with understanding what I want and that is wanting a relationship with my dad without feeling guilt or shame for it. I am tired of feeling constant fear around her when not involving her or even talking to just my dad. It has gotten so bad that I have avoided talking to my dad and involving him because she gets jealous and makes it very uncomfortable. But then, I feel guilt when I don’t involve her like I’m the bad guy. Because I know I have to involve them both because she is a part of my dad’s life. But to me, which isn’t my place to talk to him about, he has been so much happier when she’s gone. He calls me all of the time and texts me. He reaches out. He has spent time with me and my children. He has willingly talked to me and shown me love, which he hasn’t done in a long time. His absolute favorite thing is my kids and being a grandpa and he doesn’t get that opportunity when she’s here because she constantly has to be in the middle and be involved. She doesn’t let me and/or my dad have one on one contact with each other.
I am so uncomfortable around my step mom that I have avoided telling my dad or her how I feel. I have put a mask on for a long time but I no longer want that. I think part of the fear is losing a relationship with my dad if I do tell him my true feelings or share my concerns. But I know that he would be so loving and just listen to me. He has always put me and my sibling first but I still have this terrible fear of him being angry with me or me looking selfish when telling him how I feel about everything. Probably because of a few bad reactions in the past from him but that is the past.
The biggest thing is that I have pulled away from talking to my dad in fear of my step mom and her reactions. And he has also pulled away and avoided me, which I am not sure why. I think it’s due to my step mom and her pushiness and maybe feeling that I don’t love him due to my lack of communication. Since I actually never get an opportunity to be with my dad alone or even talk to him alone, I am scared of it and don’t know how. But I deeply desire to connect with him and I know he wants that too. I see that he has opened up more since she has been gone and since I have opened up more too since she’s been gone.
She’s coming back next week from her much needed trip and I don’t want anything to change with me and my dad. I don’t know how to handle her coming back and possibly falling back into the same patterns or even how to tell her how I feel. I know it’s going to be awkward when I stuck up for myself but that’s okay. My biggest want is counting to connect with my dad and being able to grow our relationship and just wathing him be a grandpa because that is genuinely where he is happiest. We have never had the opportunity to connect due to my step mom but we have and I’ve never been happier. I feel free and at peace
Help please. How do I tell my dad when I talk to him that I desire to continue growing our relationship and connecting like we have been these past few weeks, even when she gets back? Do I talk about my step mom? Do I share my feelings about her with my dad that I’ve yearned to share for so long when I talk to him? Is it wrong of me to say no to going around her with my children because I feel so uncomfortable when doing so? I don’t want to lose the relationship with my dad but I also don’t want to continue sacrificing my well being for her and everyone else. I feel that I need to gently share my feelings for closure and I want him to know that I care about him and love him. Mostly explain the reasons for me not talking to him for a long time. I feel good about it and know it’s what I need to do. But I don’t know how and I am scared.
Help is appreciated. No judgement or negative comments please! TIA!
TL;DR – I (25f) want to grow my relationship with my dad (50m) but haven’t been able to because of an overbearing step mother. How do I talk to him about my feelings without losing my relationship with him?