Me (f44) and him (m47) have been dating for over 2 years. The first 14 months we lived in our own houses and saw each other 3 times a week as we lived a 60 mins drive away. We were really good at planning and making sure we had quality time and great balance having our own social life and felt included in each others lives. Life was great.
I moved in with him for 7 months as sold my house and was waiting on my new house to be built. The plan was to lodge at his, suck up the 2 hour round commute to work. If it was good then he would move into my new house which was only 20 mins from each of our workplaces.
. First 3 months was good then it wasn’t great. We ended up living like roommates. He spent a lot of time in the pub or playing his computer. Slept a lot, was moody and stopped spend quality time with me and helping with chores. I missed my social life and closeness to friends. I did say he looked depressed but he denied it.
I moved into my house and we split up. We got back together a month later. He said that he was depressed and work stress was high and sought help. Said he was only sleeping 4 hours a night.. He couldn’t cope and only way to cope was to shut down. We agreed boundaries and ground rules.
It’s been 3 months and we are struggling to spend time together more than 2 days a week. He said he is so tired and work is crazy, so we are not doing much and he falls asleep lots. We had plans with friends over weekends so doing really spend much time there. He said he feels that there is something wrong with him but will not visit a doctor and is still unable to sleep. Says he doesn’t want to be ill.
Last night he was supposed to come to mine at normal time. I got dinner ready and texted him. No response. Called no response. I ate dinner alone. 3 hours later he called and apologised saying he fell asleep on his sofa and only woke up. I can believe this as he is exhausted. But I did express how unhappy I was at him as I feel he is not putting effort in. Just feeling that past patterns are appearing and he will shut me out. He says he is not and is trying but feels so ill. I have said he needs to go to the doctor as he had been saying for 4 months. Said if he doesn’t go by next week we can’t continue as the over arching theme is him not being well and he needs to take ownership as I can’t cope with this long term.
So was I right? His illness, depression is affecting our relationship. Any advice as I am supporting and understanding, but he needs to get help to start getting better.
Tldr: partner is unwell but is not seeking help. It’s affecting our relationship and my compassion is going. Do I walk or stay.