My (20F) girlfriend (20F) has been radio silent for 3 weeks and I'm at the point of considering it a ghosting, but the suddenness of it has me so worried I find it impossible to just move on, from her character I just don't believe she would ghost.
We matched on Tinder about 3 months ago, real romantic ik, and were only official for about a week before she disappeared. We had been going on weekly dates since we matched, most of these lasting close to 12hr as we'd get lunch, go for a 4+ mile walk, and talk. She brought me a flower she picked on almost every date and has been incredibly considerate and sweet. Our interests are very different but that didn't hold us back as we could carry a conversation about anything and found things to do together we both enjoyed.
Suspicious / Reasons to believe she ghosted:
She grew up in a small, rural town and comes from a homophobic family who she is not out to yet as she has reason to suspect they may disown her and plans to wait a few more years. She had been hoping to get off work to visit family for the 4th, my last message before she disappeared was asking if she would be able to, I never received confirmation that she was, but I assumed that she did and was not responding due to travel and family, and initially that she had decided to extend her trip when the silence carried on through the weekend.
No social media. A combination of her upbringing being largely analog and being a comp sci major giving her the ick towards social media, she's not on anything but Indeed for school / networking. I have attempted to add her on Indeed in case there is a phone related reason we have lost contact, and at least if my connection is rejected I know she doesn't want to talk but is alive, the message has been pending for just under a week. I also sent a message on Tinder with my # because we exchanged those in person, but she deleted the app and doesn't appear to have been on, and if her account is with her number and that changed she wouldn't have access to that either.
She did not always text every day. I did not mind this as we had outstanding conversation in person and she showed her interest face to face rather than digitally. But this did leave sometimes a gap of a day, maybe two, where I would not hear from her, even on her day off, and when she did text, it was usually for a few minutes and she'd be unreachable again for about 24hr. This was probably my biggest discomfort with the relationship, which I had intended to discuss the next time we saw each other, and may be the reason that most heavily influences my belief she ghosted.
I do not know her apt #. There were at least two dates where we sat in my car for an hour+ talking when I dropped her off but she did not invite me up or tell me the # for future reference. I interpreted this at the time as 1) it being late, 10pm-12, and her not trying to keep me as I always worked the next morning 2) not wishing to insinuate "more" by inviting me up. The last time I saw her I said if we were going to chat for an hour so often she'd have to invite me soon bc the car was uncomfortable, but that I wasn't inviting myself up, she chuckled and said okay.
She did not initiate hand holding or the few kisses we had, but her face lit up when I asked to. When I asked if there was a reason she had not been initiating she said she did not want to make me uncomfortable, something I would attribute to a homophobic upbringing I can relate to but have personally much more overcome.
We only became official on our last date, about 5 days before she disappeared.
Why I suspect she didn't ghost:
She has Android, my texts don't say "delivered" to any Android friends, but her phone still rings before voicemail when I call so I do not believe I am blocked. Which means calls and texts just asking if she was okay went through and were ignored, kind of hard to believe she would do that, even if she did not want to speak with me. And if she doesn't want to speak with me, why am I not just blocked? I have Apple, is there an indicator I've been blocked that I'm missing?
She has had relationships before, at least two, so homophobia has not held her back in the past, she identifies as a lesbian and appears to have no shame or trepidation with it. I am concerned however if it came up while she was home for the 4th somehow and if there was some sort of intervention, those can be bad.
She had recently been diagnosed with a heart murmur, which a Dr. just determined to be harmless, but I can't stop worrying something happened in relation to this.
I asked her 4-5 dates in what she was looking for, the answer was a committed relationship. We had a laugh that we'd both attempted casual in the past but did not have the capacity to date casually. She acknowledged that she may not have time for dates weekly when school started, but that she would focus on getting a car so she could more easily come to my side of town rather than bus or Uber bc she felt bad I was making the full commute and would drop her off at home after. What I gleaned from this is we had agreed on our intentions and were beginning to solidify future plans / intentions.
As stated above, she brought me flowers, and she was first to pick up the check (which I reciprocated the next date, so she shouldn't have felt I was taking advantage, we were taking turns). Both I would consider strong indicators someone is invested because they are showing commitment through actions that are not required of them.
We had been making plans for the Renaissance Faire and she was planning her costume as well as the expense and how she could invest in something more pricey if she could also wear it in her regular rotation. I would consider this another sign of intending on at least a near future together because of how much thought she was putting into plans.
THIS IS STRANGE: I looked her up online for any obituaries, there were none, but the website I was forwarded to was TruthFinder which notified me she was flagged as being on a government watch list! I was not looking for this information but, WHAT?! I wondered if this was related to the screening process for her military application, but according to the definition on the site that shouldn't be the case. I'm not about to pay the website money for her information so I do not know the details of the watch list, but an address with her hometown was attached to her name and phone number so I'm fairly confident it is really her. I don't even know how this could be related other than making the disappearance around the time she was supposed to go home so much weirder! The site does say this does not indicate criminal activity, could be related to someone she knows, or just reasonable suspicion without any wrongdoing.
We became official on our last date. On this date we talked about a number of things before starting a relationship, including her interest in joining the military, our relationships with our parents, communication, and exclusivity. When I inquired upon her interest in the military, and let her know the long distance required of the branch she was considering did not align with my lifestyle goals, I had been worried we might be at an impasse that would end our relationship, instead she backpedaled that she was 1) not fully decided yet and open to being swayed 2) her mom was already convincing her not to. Discussing our relationships with our parents is when she confirmed she intends to tell her parents in the future but not for a few years and said she'd be willing to talk more about family at a later date, not dinner, understandably, but therefore indicating future opportunity to discuss. On the topic of communication she admitted it came less naturally to her whereas I have no issue bringing attention to topics which need to be discussed, even when I don't want to. I said I'd be okay with it if she felt more comfortable discussing things on a call or over text, to which she said no, she wanted to handle serious conversations in person. Finally, on the topic of exclusivity, this was after she had confirmed she wanted to be in a relationship with me, she was the one who said exclusivity would be a non-negotiator for her, which I agreed to, it's what I wanted as well.
On our last date she looked me in the eye and said she felt so secure in our relationship, she wasn't used to it, but she was very happy about it.
The last time I heard from her she gave me the dates she would be available for a trip we were planning to take together. I had messaged to ask if she really wanted to go and didn't feel pressured as she'd missed texting one day, we texted back and forth the next, then she missed two more, but she responded that she definitely wanted to go, her boss had not given her the time off she requested for our trip, but she gave me the days that would work for her with the intention to trade some shifts. My response to her was that I would hold off further planning until she had secured the shifts, then we could discuss hotels and packing. And lastly, an inquiring message as to whether she had been given the time off to visit family, which she never responded to, so I had assumed the answer was yes and that was the reason for her sudden silence.
What do I do now?
After a week of no responses to a few messages and calls just asking to know she was okay I accepted that, if she had not responded yet, more attempts would not help, I'm sure she isn't getting my messages for one reason or another. My last message can be summarized as: If she wishes to ghost I can respect that, I would however like to know she is okay, and would appreciate confirmation she wishes to terminate our relationship as we agreed to exclusivity. In case I do not hear from her I gave her a date upon which I would be considering this a breakup. I have a brief message planned that I intend as my last correspondence upon that date summarized as: I'm taking this as a breakup as there is nothing more I can do. I'm sad as this meant a lot to me and if she ever sees the message I would like to know that she is alright. I'm also leaving the door open as I do not wish to break up, I just don't know what more I can do.
I don't want to bother her in case she did suddenly decide she wanted to go no contact. I truly just want to confirm that she is alright, it's hard to move on when I can't stop waiting, worrying I'll get a call from her in the hospital. The other night I had a nightmare about it. I know this will pass, but it's been awful trying to move on. I can typically see a ghosting coming and it doesn't phase me, I just move on and don't waste my time. I'm wishing she rejected me to my face so I could stop worrying. As of Monday I'll be taking it as a breakup, but it really doesn't feel like one so I feel weird about it.
I'm doing okay btw! I went on the trip by myself since I never heard from her, I got to see a bunch of cool stuff. I have a great support system which I've been utilizing. I'm keeping active and have a lot going well for me right now. I don't think there's any more I can do, just move on like I've begun to I guess, but I want advice bad enough to ask Reddit:
Is there anything else I can do?
Advice on moving on from this?
What do you think happened?
TLDR My girlfriend is not responding but I can't tell if she ghosted or something happened.