I now think this is a deeper issue and my sister does not enjoy being a parent. I do believe she loves my niece but I don't think she is happy with being a parent. I don't think she realizes that she's not..very nice?
The issue I originally wrote about started less than 30 minutes after we got to my house. Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1e5k53i/how_do_i_32f_tell_my_sister_29f_that_her_visiting/
We were all in the living room and she just kind of faded into the room and started talking on the phone to someone; my boyfriend looked at me shocked with the 'Oh this is what you were talking about' face. Because he couldn't believe how quickly it happened. I took yall's advice and kept redirecting her back to her mom but that just meant it didn't get done at all. For example: I told my niece on her first day that we would clean out the pool tomorrow. That day she came into the office and asked if we could go for a walk, I had a few meetings so I wouldn't be able to but to ask Mommy if she could go with her, my sister told her no because my niece was going to be cleaning out the pool with me soon, even though we wouldn't be cleaning the pool for 3 more hours.
My sister keeps no schedule, in her mind – my niece going to sleep and waking up at odd hours is just because she's 'autistic' that's how she is. But I know for a fact that whenever I have taken her for weeks at a time, she is in bed by 8:30, I make sure to tire her out physically and we have an entire routine and she goes down without a problem.
Yesterday we spent a good chunk of the day cleaning the pool, I realized that the entire day, my sister had said nothing nice to my niece. It was just 'no', 'stop', 'don't', 'because I said so.''who do you think you're talking to?' from the time she woke up to the time we went to sleep.
There are no hugs, no playing, no kisses, no happy sounds. Just demands and barking.
My boyfriend (33m) saw that it was a rough day on me and offered to make us tacos for dinner with my neice's help while I showered. When I say my sister came up the stairs and critiqued everything he was doing, down to the way he was cutting the peppers, sauteing the meat, cooking the shells, it was mind blowing. She brought up my niece's tablet, stopped her from helping him, and made her sit at the table and watch the tablet with headphones, and just sat there, criticizing everything he did.
She actually joked about how she expects to be served while she's here.
After dinner, she disappeared downstairs, leaving my niece and telling us to send her down when you get tired of her. We chatted with my niece until she fell asleep and decided that rather than move her, we would turn the living room into a little fort/pallet area so she wouldn't wake up in the dark and be freaked out.
She did end up waking up around 2 am, and I asked her if she wanted to stay up there or go down to Mom. She opted to go downstairs. My sister who sleeps with all the lights on, sent her back upstairs to grab her snacks and my sister's water bottle. It was dark and when my niece couldn't find what my sister told her to grab, she began screaming my name. My sister did not budge. She just calls her back down the stairs and gives her the tablet, and stays up all night talking on the phone.
When my boyfriend and I woke up at 6:30, she was still on the phone. My niece started telling her how she was hungry, and my sister again wouldn't budge. She would just stop talking on the phone to tell her to eat her Cheerios and then get back right on the phone. Around 7, my sister sent my niece (who had been up since two) upstairs to us.
We had plans to go to the farmers market today around 10, but my sister was annoyed because she was tired since my niece was up so late, when I suggested that maybe talking on the phone and the lights on prevented her from going back to sleep. With a straight face, I am not even kidding she said : I didn't even get on the phone until 7 am.
We got back to the house around 12:30, and she asked us what we were making for dinner tonight. They immediately went to sleep. It's now 5 p.m., and they are still asleep. It's like she doesn't process that she's an adult.
thatIt's like she doesn't get that this is a problem and it's not that my niece is autistic or delayed or any of the other things she tries to say to justify why she doesn't parent. I feel annoyed because I know that the same process that happened last night will happen tonight. I get that it's summer but having a 5 year old sleep the day away and become a livewire from 6pm is taxing and not sustainable. I recognize a lot of the critical meanness from our mom, which is why I live so far away. My sister is becoming her and I don't think she even realizes
I don't even know where to go from here without making her feel like I am bashing her parenting?
38 comments
Her parenting needs bashing. She needs a serious come-to-Jesus talking to. Even if it means she leaves in huff – you won’t lose contact with your niece, as your sister needs to have someone she can dump her parental responsibilities on.
Bash her – bash her parenting, bash how she talks to others, bash how she treats others. Saying nothing isn’t helping. The only person who is losing is your niece
I understand that parenting can be exhausting but your sister acting the way she is is unacceptable. It makes me worry that it’s the norm even when she isn’t at your house and that thought is so saddening for your niece
Where is your niece’s father?
This little girl would be significantly better off in a daycare setting. Is that possible in your area?
As everyone else has said, you need to have a serious talk with your sister. Her parenting is unacceptable and your niece deserves so much better.
Many of us can help with parenting ideas and schedules, but nothing will really help if your sister is not on board. You are going you have to be direct with her. I do think there’s a chance your sister is depressed and not ready to do better- but she has to.
Sorry I’d be kicking her out. How do you know this isn’t what she does all the time with this kid? I bet she doesn’t parent at all. It’s not that she takes a break when she’s with you, this is how she is 100% of the time. Kid who has autism needs structure and routine. I get it’s vacation and she sounds like she’s adjusting very well to not having a routine or if that’s what she’s used to which is probably more likely the case. But your sister plain sucks.
Yeah. Bash that parenting into the ground. Bash it so hard that it can’t get back up. This isn’t parenting. This is …cohabiting. This is ridiculous. No child should be neglected like this.
Has your sister ever been checked or diagnosed with PPD or any similar issue?
I’m not trying to armchair diagnose, BUT some of your sisters behaviors triggered the thought in me due to my own past struggles with PPD (luckily got help early) I became snappy/mean and felt like I couldn’t control wtf was coming out of my mouth so I isolated bc the problem was ME & I didn’t want to hurt my kids. But PPD/PPA and those kind of post-partum/hormone complications, can last YEARS if not treated.
Your sister is neglecting her child and expecting you to take up the slack. Are you sure she doesn’t neglect her similarly when they’re home alone too? This is very concerning.
When you talk to your sister, try saying something like “I know that mom didn’t give us a good example of parenting. But I I think some of her habits might have rubbed off on you. I’ve observed the way you talk to niece and none of it is positive. Are you aware that you talk to her that way?
If you grow up in toxic situations, you have to be aware of a tendency we can have to just copy it.
You need to have a conversation with your sister today. Set some ground rules. Lights out at x time. Up by x time. She is responsible for her daughter’s care that includes dressing and feeding her, you are happy to share meal prep with her but she is not getting waited on she needs to pull her own weight. She needs to clean up after herself and her child. If she says one more critical word about your boyfriend she can pack her shit and leave immediately, you will not have your partner disrespected in your home.
If you won’t say it, I will. Your sister is a bad mother. Your niece deserves so much better. She doesn’t even realize how damaging her “parenting” is to that poor little girl. Sitting your child in front of a tablet all day is not parenting. Refusing to make her food is not parenting. Stopping her from sleeping at appropriate times is not parenting. Refusing to spend time with her is not parenting. It’s neglect.
I don’t know what you can do to help your niece, unfortunately. You can try to bash her because she deserves it. I doubt that’ll change much, though. Maybe you can tell her that she’s turning into your mom. That might be a wake-up call for her.
But I would suggest you stop catering to her. She can take care of her own dinner from now on. If she won’t even feed her own child, she doesn’t deserve to be fed.
> I don’t even know where to go from here without making her feel like I am bashing her parenting?
gotta be honest, i dont like this wording OP. i do not understand why you are tolerating this garbage person in your home. on top of the child care negligence, she is actively rude to your partner. its bordering on enabling.
Why do you think she is opting out of parenting while she is visiting??? This is who she is 365 days of the year. Why do you think she is better when she is home? She isn’t. She is a bully. She is negligent. Your niece is 5 and is being told she is an idiot all day long. She is never going to be anything because her mother is dragging her down. She is putting her in front of a screen instead of letting her help cook or go for a walk.
Why didn’t you tell her she was lying? You saw she was on her phone at 6:30 am. She also woke you up so you got her water bottle in the middle of the night and you didn’t say anything?
You let her berate your partner while he was cooking dinner for her? Why didn’t he didn’t say anything either? If she is going to be a bully, she needs to be told to stop. “You complain about my cooking? No worries. You won’t eat this.” Stop making her dinner. She can make her own dinner or not eat. Why does she get snacks in the middle of the night? If the snacks are yours, stop buying them or hide them.
You are enabling her.
You are also saying to your nice “This behavior is normal.”
That poor baby is fucking doomed
I couldn’t be leave you let this go on and on and on.
Your poor niece, this whole story is so sad. Your sister is a bad parent and she needs to be sat down and told exactly how bad of a parent she is. She needs to be told how much of your own mother you see in your sister’s parenting style. What she does with that information will be up to her, but she needs to hear it. I would limit any further visits to five days or so, unless you’d like to invite just your niece out to spend time with you and get a break from her mother.
Honestly I would have kicked her out the moment she started insulting my partner. Your partner was nice enough to also open his hole to your family and I get you are use to your sister and your family probably treating you lesser than. But your partner isn’t. This is where you should have dealt with your family and told her to knock it off, if she’s that unhappy to cook herself her own dinner and if she couldn’t behave like a decent guest then she had to go. And I feel bad for your niece if she is that neglected at your house imagine what it must be like at home? Personally I would toy with the idea of calling cpa. Your sisters carelessness is an accident waiting to happen. One that you can prevent.
Stop enabling this awful person. Tell her it’s time to leave and do not let her come back.
*”I don’t even know where to go from here without making her feel like I am bashing her parenting?”*
What parenting?
There is no parenting happening. Sis needs to go. Immediately. Why are you hosting while working and going to school?! Grow a backbone!
***’I don’t even know where to go from here without making her feel like I am bashing her parenting?’***
Gurl! What??? What parenting??? This is not the time for kid gloves and gentle reasoning. You don’t have to be cruel, but you need to have an ADULT, no-holds-barred, all-the-cards-on-the-table talk with your sister about her ***non-parenting*** ***and neglect*** of that little girl. And YES! NEGLECT!!! Bump your sister’s feelings, the baby is the most important player in this scenario. Your sister needs an intervention, some therapy and counseling, ***and*** some parenting classes. If she is unwilling to do any of those, she needs to consider adoption. Full stop.
You tell her that she doesnt have to take your word for it about her shitty parenting. She can take the social worker’s.
You need to stop being so passive and just tell her to her face that she’s a shitty person. Until then you’re part of the problem
So, she is visiting and expects to be an all-inclusive hotel? I mean… Ask who she is talking with on the phone. Ask why is she here. Why is she making this so heavy. Tell her that you would be more amused to entertain your niece alone and at least give her a nicer time. But she is acting like a twin sister to her niece.
And honestly OP, why are you taking this act? She isn’t there to talk with you and meet your boyfriend. Has she asked about your life? About the things you plan to do sometimes? Does she share funny things like tv drama, soap opera, books, games, magazines or even politics? Is she engaging in looking at you eyes too?
Just listen… I am autistic too. But I only discovered this when my kid was diagnosed. I think that perhaps you sister might have it too. Might Google somethings and ask her how she was her daughters file done. Because it take several appointments and a long interview to reach that. Perhaps you can remember if your sister was always not an emotional person. Or if she doesn’t engage with strangers too, like your boyfriend. She doesn’t seem to know the time she sleeps and the time she is using her own phone. Even her lack of hugs, kisses and kind words. I actually have therapy to be more kinder with my kid. And he also has his tantrums.
In the end, it is you enabling her to take advantage of you, your boyfriend and your house. Think about you and what really wished was happening right now. Like, you wished you talked more with your sister and that she told you about nieces achievement at school like grades, friends, teachers and parents meetings. You might wish she was ordering food for everyone and that you all watched an old movie from both your childhood with your niece. Perhaps you expected that she was holding her more or buying her favorite cereal and chocolate. Think about it.
You can’t change her but you should alert her. Something is off and no one wants to talk about the elephant in the room.
As a Mom to an Autistic 5 year old.. LET HER HAVE IT! Wait until your niece goes to bed. Once she does say “You keep joking that you expect to be served while here. The problem is, I don’t think you’re joking. Since you got here, you have been acting like you are your child sibling, not her Parent. You expect us to take care of your kid. You treat your kid abominably. You should not be keeping her up all night talking on the phone, and I know for a fact you were on the phone all night because I heard you. You need to stop lying to me and yourself. You have a very important responsibility raising your child. You cannot expect other people to raise your child for you. It’s time for you to grow up and be a parent to your kid. Also, we are not your servants. Joke or no joke, you need to pull your weight.”
You should bash her parenting. Also text her that you are leaving for dinner out. Then leave.
She can figure out dinner plans later on her own. Stop enabling her.
If she’s neglecting her daughter this much around you, can’t imagine how she’s neglecting her at home. I’d honestly be reporting it. Your niece deserves better.
It’s easier to raise healthy children than fix broken adults.
That was on a poster on the adolescent psych unit where I worked as an RN.
I also worked on the other unit, kids as young as 4. After the first 3 months I couldn’t read the histories any more. (We would get the pertinent facts in report, like dad is in prison for killing mom in front of the kid, etc.)
I foresee a rocky, rocky road for this poor child. I wouldn’t bash mom, I’d point out her issues in a non accusatory, non threatening tone. I’d suggest therapy and parenting classes. (After I had looked them up and had them written down for her.) You can blame everything on how you were both raised, a poor role model etc. Offer your help. She’s probably still going to meltdown but something may get through. Remember, it’s for your niece. You seem very caring and invested in your niece’s development. Convey those feelings to her. You’re certainly conveying them in your comments. Reiterate you care about her and your niece. She’s a broken adult. She needs care and empathy. I had patients yell and scream at me, call me all sorts of interesting names, but I gave back positive, encouraging feedback. It’s not fun to yell at someone who doesn’t yell back. (Yes I realize this was my job, but it works in the real world too. ) I think you have it in you to make a positive impact in your sister’s and niece’s lives. Good luck! 💙
Some things need to be said out loud. She needs to hear she is just like your mom and what a truly awful parent she is. You need to find your backbone and tell her every single thing that needs to be said. Don’t worry about hurt feelings. Worry about your niece.
You need to get that girl out of her “Mother”s care. I would get others involved. If she acts like that around you, I just know that girl’s life is Hell at home. What people are comfortable to do around others is nothing compared to what they do when they’re alone! I fear for that poor girl. She probably sits in a corner all day at home.
Why aren’t you calling cps? If this isn’t negligence, I don’t know what is
OP tell your sister flat out your going to make her mad but you have no other option. She has turned into your mother. She is refusing to even try being an engaging parent. That she needs to wake the hell up and change things. Make her child a real priority from getting both of them on a better schedule. Create activities to stimulate her child. If she doesn’t start immediately then her child’s “Autism” will spiral into even worse problems. That her kid needs stimulation.
Also point out to your sister by the way she behaves she acts as if she doesn’t want to be a parent. She needs the figure out if she can continue being a parent. If she doesn’t then she needs to find someone who can care for her daughter.
Harsh? Yes but necessary.
Update me please.
Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the fucking world, and she’s hitting every hurdle at full sprint.
Phone Mombies are pieces of shit.
I know you don’t want to hurt your niece, but these trips are absolutely hurting your niece. Instead of a calm oasis of normal, it’s just showing her what she doesn’t have at home.
I’d honestly snatch the phone out of your sisters hand and give her the mother of all dressings down.
A Drill instructor wouldn’t have shit on me in that context.
Do not let this tragedy continue for another day.
BASH.
Just saying as a parent/gp I don’t think your niece is actually autistic. Is there even a formal diagnosis? She needs more stimulation and structure in her life. It’s ridiculous that she’s staying up at 2am as a 5 year old. Your sister is delaying her development by giving her this much screentime at this age.
Unfortunately I don’t know how much “talking” will help with your sister. Do you have any other support systems in place such as grandparents who would be willing to take in your niece if your sister taps out completely?
Bash the heck out of her. I’m clutching my pearls and calling this emotional abuse.
Record her doing these things. When you talk to her about her parenting, play the recording back and tell her that you’re seeing a lot of the same patterns that your mother displayed in her and it’s hard to watch.
I am a solo parent and I have a child on the spectrum. I really struggle with enjoying being a parent and having good routines with my child because I struggle with anxiety and depression. It took a family member and a friend sitting me down and being downright mean to me about my behavior for me to change.
I can say now, it’s been about 8 years since then, and my kid is happily following routines, does art, has friends and we really enjoy each other. I still screw up, but I am very intentional about my behavior towards my child now and we often have conversations about how to be good family members to each other now. It takes work, but your sister CAN enjoy being a parent.
Stop letting your sister walk all over you! Not only is she neglecting her child, she’s treating you and your boyfriend like servants. When she starts criticizing how you do things, SHUT HER DOWN. Tell her if she doesn’t like it, to get off her ass and do it herself. Seriously, start calling her out. She’s acting like a spoiled princess and your silence is enabling her.