I’ve [17NB] been dating my online poly girlfriend [17F] for about 5 months and I genuinely really really love her. She’s so wonderful but there’s been a lot of problems in our relationship towards the 4-5 month mark.
We would talk almost every single day and for hours to be honest. Then she suddenly stopped talking to me but was active on other social medias and stuff. I was so confused why she stopped talking to me. I vented this to some of my friends and they were suspicious too. Those days that I went without talking to her made me reevaluate my relationship with her. A lot of my friends pointed out red flags in my relationship.
One thing that stood out to some of them was the fact that a lot of the personal details she exposed about herself were inconsistent and suspicious. Fast forward 1 and a half days of constant digging of her online footprint and connecting with mutuals, turns out she lied about everything. I ended up confronting her with a mediator and she explained everything.
This was when things took a bad turn. She said that she lied about wanting to be mono with me and that I was equally important to her as were her other partners. This really broke my heart because I thought that I was special to someone for the first time. I ended up getting back with her regardless and forgave her.
A week later I had a panic attack because I scoured through all the evidence of her lying about her identity and I thought I sent explicit pictures to a predator. I fished out her other girlfriend [16F] and then messaged her about the situation saying that the person we’re dating could potentially be harmful.
I finally confronted my girlfriend and asked her why she was being sent nudes by a 16 year old when she was 19. She explained that she lied about her age to our friend group and I. She’s actually 17.
She told me that this lying and deception was due to trauma that I will not disclose. I believed her this time and we sorted everything out. Her other girlfriend ended up breaking up with her but said that she would get back to her after healing from the situation.
The problem here is that my girlfriend has been venting about how sad she feels that her other girlfriend left her. For the past couple of weeks I couldn’t help but feel so insecure.
I feel so worthless after everything. She promised me a lot and that I was the only one for her. Now? She’s saying that I’m just as important as her other girlfriend. She cemented the fact that she loved me the most out of all of her partners and that we would be mono together.
I kept myself from dating other people and only focused on her because of it. I dedicated a lot of time trying to grow our relationship but I feel like I’ve lost everything now. I feel really broken despite her reassuring me that she loved me just as much. I don’t know what to do.
Please help.
tl;dr Girlfriend lied about me being the only one for her because she wanted to make me feel special. Turns out she dated another girl whilst dating me. I feel insecure and worthless.
5 comments
Time to stop dreaming and move on. She has lied to you again and again and she will continue to do so. This has to be a big learning experience for you and as hard as it is time to move on. How about getting out with your friends and enjoy the company of real people. Good luck.
word of advice from an adult. dont date strangers online.
1. Don’t date strangers online
2. Don’t date liars, regardless of why they lie
3. Polyamory only works when it’s done ethically, with full, informed consent
4. Don’t base your own self-image on another person’s opinion of you
5. Most mistakes that you make as a teenager / in your early 20s will be just slightly cringey memories by your 30s. Count this as an L and move on
Unfortunately, you weren’t in a poly relationship, you were cheated on. It’s only polyamory if everyone involved knows it’s polyamory.
But more importantly, it sounds like you’ve never met her in person? Please be careful, there are a lot of creeps out there who will lie about their age or even pretend to be entirely different people. Given that you’ve already caught her in so many lies, it’s probably time to cut your losses and put an end to things, before you find out she’s really some 40 year old creep or something. Heck, even if she’s exactly who she says she is, this still isn’t healthy.
I know it’s hard to date IRL, especially at your age & being any kind of lgbtq, you might not know a lot of people your age that you’re into & who are into you, and it’s not like you can go to gay bars, but dating online can be super super risky. Heartbreak sucks, but considering all the potential outcomes, it’s not the worst thing that could have happened to you here
The best lesson you can take from this is not to base your own worth on someone else’s behavior. This individual is a con artist. You got taken in by a con. That doesn’t make *you* worthless; that makes them a POS.
Call them out on their crap and call it done…then go focus on the people who are actually in your life who want they same kind of relationship with you and…aren’t con artists.
We’ve ALL been taken in by someone who seems too good to be true. Doesn’t make you worthless.