Tried posting on ask women but it got deleted so maybe a man’s perspective will help.
How do you feel sexy intimately when you’re insecure about your body
Such as not a flat stomach, jiggly thighs, boobs that are no longer perky.
My partner keeps asking me to make more effort and flaunt myself, but I just feel like I’m not sexy and don’t feel like he’d be super bothered by me in sexy gear.
I hate not being perky and worry I’m past it all (I’m 33), but our sex life definitely needs spicing up.
40 comments
Just start getting undressed slowly, it works for me. Nothing better for a man than to feel wanted by a woman.
If your partner really cares you should have a talk about your insecurities and what you both are comfortable with. You shouldn’t feel obligated to do something that makes you uncomfortable.
I’d say ask him one or 2 things he loves about you then pick from there what you could do be be spicy, maybe wear some pants that are flaunting or something along them lines?
not sure if this will help but if you know what he likes maybe it’ll help boost you on?
Have the mindset that no one is perfect and everyone has flaws about themselves that they don’t like to talk about.
Your partner obviously loves and craves you, and they don’t care what you look like. They want you to recognize your own beauty and be confident with it.
Romance is a feedback loop
Focus on how your partner adores you. Focus on the parts of your body your partner is paying attention to physically (besides just the fun bits) . Now communicate “oh you like my (body part?” Then make an effort in future to present that part early, like a gift, because to your partner it is.
Now focus on your partner’s body
“Oh boo hoo I’m not as hot as I used to be because I’m getting older”
So what you gon do about it? Roll into a ball and wait till death do you part? Fuck outta here, that shit happens to everyone, enjoy having sex with your husband as much as you can cuz that’s probably not gonna happen for ever and be glad he still wants to see you in some sexy stuff even tho you’re not as perky as when you were 21.
Carpe diem or some shit.
“My partner keeps asking me to make more effort and flaunt myself”
Do what your partner told you.
You can always try being intimate in the dark and progress to slightly more light as you get more comfortable.
I also know women who preferred to be intimate with their partners while keeping their shirt on until they felt better about themselves.
Another option is lingerie. They make different types that are flattering on any body type. Your partner sounds like they want to see more of you and that’s fine, but confidence is hard when you don’t feel it. My wife is in a similar situation as you. After two kids she’s got all the same areas that she isn’t happy with but I adore her tummy and her boobs are still awesome.
You could also try being intimate in ways that don’t expose your body so much. Random oral sex or in the bed with the sheets pulled up. Also, as previously mentioned, shirt on or lingerie. My wife has a really thin shirt that really makes her nipples show through and it is the sexiest shirt she has. She’s also gotten enough confidence to flash me her boobs in the morning as she gets out of the shower before I leave for work which really makes my morning great.
Hope these ideas help. Just remember, your partner wants You. Whatever “form” you take, its You they desire
I have this conversation all the time. There is a good chance you will never be that 20-something year old you’re constantly comparing yourself to ever again. I know that’s hard, but we guys won’t be that younger self either. You just need to remember that he is in love with you, all of you. I can’t tell you if he thinks like I do, but I want all the same things from my wife because I want to see her more comfortable and confident in herself. Nothing feels better to me than having her initiate an intimate evening and saddle up top and really enjoy herself. For me that’s the sexiest thing.
Jiggly thighs are a good thing. Same witth not a flat stomach. Boobs change, that’s the way the wind blows
It’s the *attitude* that is sexy af
Change the attitude.
Learn to love and embrace urself.
Exude self confidence
Fake it until you believe it. It will work! Especially if your partner already thinks you’re sexy you just have to keep reminding yourself that and the rest will follow
Everything in ask women gets deleted! Your partner wants you to flaunt yourself because he finds you sexy and wants you to feel that way too! Focus on his pleasure. I have insecurities too since I am getting older. It’s never going to be the same as when we were younger. Nothing gives me more confidence than when I am pleasuring someone else though and focusing on what makes me feel good!
He said he wants more from you didn’t he? Then obviously he finds you sexy.
If you dont do anything because you are frozen by insecurity and fear, you wont ever feel better about yourself.
I promise you, if you’d give him more of what he wants, you’ll feel much better about yourself when you see the shine in his eyes.
Talk to a psychologist. Not really something *this* sub will be able to help you with as most reply here’s will be quite literally “just do it ehhhh”.
In short you make a new habit by first acknowledging it’s an issue, then analyzing why it’s an issue, then start changing your thoughts often with some external help, then you keep doing this for a year or three and one day you will just not relate to your old thoughts anymore.
Focus on your health and fitness since they seem to be the key area you are worried about, by doing so you will build your confidence up.
Also despite what many women worry about, most men are quite happy with their partner’s looks as they get older/bodies change. My recommendation above is more about you feeling better about your body.
If your partner loves you then they don’t see your self-perceived flaws. I love everything about my S.O. and she hates her figure. She is still insecure but she is less insecure around me.
Work on your body if you feel that you want/need to. If you want to spice up your sex life, try some things that don’t require a financial investment like roleplaying. Ask if he’d be into that and what roles you might try out. Find an outfit that could pass for that role you are going for. You may pick out an outfit for him to wear and clear your schedule for that evening.
It isn’t scheduled sexytime but it is nice to anticipate something. Some women use underwear/lingerie to feel sexy. It is pricey especially if the woman is well endowed. I swear the bra fabric needed is like quadruple the price the more the manufacturer needs.
There are people who will find your dead sexy but you really don’t want to post nude pics of yourself online like an OnlyFans. Just about any woman will find someone that loves their body is my point.
What’s worse than not a flat stomach, jiggly thighs and boobs no longer perky? Insecurity about it.
>My partner keeps asking me to make more effort and flaunt myself
Your partner told you what he wants.
“but, but, but”
Stop. Your partner told you what he wants. Figure out how to do that. Ask him to buy you some sexy underwear. Ask him to go to therapy with you. plan an “anything goes*” night with him.
I faked it till I made it kinda, I knew that I loved my partner and they loved me at the time so I did whatever because we were close and I knew they would like it no matter what. So if your partner truly cares for you then you should have nothing to worry about man, best of luck to ya
Being imperfect is not a problem. Don’t compare yourself to others. Delete instagram or curate it carefully if you want to follow guides on painting or animal pictures, don’t believe anything you see from influencers. No one is perfect and those perfect women you see? lies and trickery.
Ask your partner what he finds sexy about you.
If you want to be sexy, make it clear you want him and act with the confidence that comes from knowing you can have him.
Or just be physically affectionate. Talk about sexy stuff. Discuss the stuff you want to try in the bedroom.
Also the sexy gear is stuff that emphasises and flatters what you have and projects the above. I had an ex who was about as confident as you. I’d have jumped her 3 times a day if that were physically possible and she didn’t feel like that stuff would work. It absolutely did. But it’s not just the physical effect it was the intention. But all that said it didn’t matter, she just had to play to her strengths and seduce me. The classic “push your bum into them while you’re spooning” is an accelerator pedal for the penis.
You don’t need to be something you’re not, just be proud of what you have. I suspect there’s actually a lot of women your age, younger, older who envy things you have and feel like they’re in your shadow because that’s how people work.
You need to be sexy for your partner, not so much for you. You are doing it for them because YOU turn them on. Yes, saggy boobs, stretch marks, flabby tummy and all. My wife is not the hot temptress of her twenties anymore but I still find her sexier then any super model because no other women stirs my heart and desires like she does and I bet your SO feels similar
Okay so I’m seeing some realllyyyy mean comments and it’s honestly disgusting. As a women here. I completely understand what’s you’re feeling right now, even though your partner is still very much attracted to you. My advice to you is jump right into it. Buy something sexy or have your partner buy something he might like to see you in. Do some research/ sexy posing and copy the same way they pose and send it to him at work etc. umm I do think you should talk it out with him too. Maybe have him be your hype man even when you’re not all dressed up. Honestly you’re probably just in your head too much. And that’s okay, but let’s be clear your partner still likes the way you look, so the best thing to do is try hunny! Hope this helps byeeeee!
You’ve been put on notice. You put in the effort or he will find it elsewhere. Being insecure when the man is already bagged and is wanting to be with you is like finding ways to push him away. Dress up, makeup, lingerie it up and spice it up.
Had this conversation a lot with my late wife. She never understood that I wanted her. All of HER. I didn’t see the flaws she saw, or I at least I didn’t mind. I wanted HER. Not perky tits, not tight hips, not a flat stomach. I wanted HER. I loved her and wanted to be intimate with HER.
You see your flaws. You see what you hate about yourself. You see what you’d like to change about yourself.
He sees the woman he loves. He longs for you. Your body, your mind, your lust, your love.
Stop over thinking and judging yourself.
He still wants you, that hasn’t changed. What’s changed is how you see yourself, and it’s as common as day.
Get a professional boudoir shoot. You need to see that you still got it. Plus it’s a good gift for him, but ultimately the gift is for you.
Boobs sag. They just do. Especially if you’re um… “Stacked”.
He’s obviously not worried. So you should try not to.
Get naked, have fun.
Have you tried role playing?
My partner struggles with believing she’s as fucking hot as I see her, and has some body image issues that can make her feel very unsexy.
But the adding some fantasy and escapism onto things gives us a framing device where you can be “in character” as a person who doesn’t have these same worries. Or create a scenario that makes it easier to not think about them.
Walk around the house in lingerie, for no reason.
I lost attraction to my gf because she didn’t know how to be sexy. She thought just saying “let’s have sex” was enough to get me going.
Can’t say what the right approach would be to get over those insecurities, but there’s no bigger turnoff then when someone’s trying to be sexy when they’re clearly not comfortable doing it. What your partners asking of you can be interpreted as you showing a physical effort and improving your looks somehow, but what he really needs is to see you be comfortable in your own skin and be able to enjoy yourself.
Again, not sure how you can get there, this is a journey that goes differently for everyone, but the task at hand is for you to accept yourself.
I was married to a woman for 20 years who, not once, walked across our bedroom totally naked (she would turn off all the lights then slip into bed wearing a towel, not attractive at all!) With that being said, men are visual creatures. Buy a nice teddy, and be confident. Don’t worry about anything else. I am no longer married to that wife of 20 years because I got tired of her self-conscience self. Men want a woman who is confident in her skin. So own it and show him who is boss! He will be happy! Trust me!
My second wife insists on the lights being on and she has NO problem being naked! She always says to me, “If you aren’t comfortable being naked with the man you love, then why are you with him?”
Stay out of your head – causes problems.
Try and watch a programme called “good girls guide to kinky sex”. It’s got a few ideas in it (according to a friend…….😉)
I experiences this with my wife. She’s insecure also, but I asked her to give me a lap dance once, super hard things for her to feel comfortable doing dressed in lingerie, but I’m telling you now I’ve never been more turned on, she admitted that the more she was doing it and the more she saw my reaction the more she enjoyed it.
It’s the attitude towards being sexy and confidence rather than confidence itself.
Someone trying to act that way but clearly holding back and nervous can take the sexiness off of it, whereas someone that portays the attitude toward being sexy and can laugh at themselves doing something they may feel stupid is far sexier. If he’s a boob guy then put that attention in his face, use them to seduce him, if he’s a butt guy use it to your advantage, you may not feel confident but portraying the attitude towards it that you’re going to seduce him is what will do it.
It’s hard to explain the difference between actually being confident and having and attitude towards it but I promise you It works.
the reason your partner finds you sexy is because they love you. you’re getting older, sure. that’s not going to change. but you’re not limited by that, you’re limited by your attitude towards it. your partner will find confidence to be the sexiest thing of all. confidence isn’t something you can immediately get, but it’s something you can build up with your partner. trust them.
Most likely your partner finds you very sexy and he doesn’t ask that you make more efforts because as you are is not sufficient, but because you making efforts for him would turn him on even more! And maybe he also hope that it would make you more self-confident.
I guess the only way for you if you don’t like your body, like so many people do, is to fake it. Buy sexy lingerie, wear it, act the demoness even if you are uncomfortable, and fake confidence could soon turn in true confidence.
Obviously HE wants you as you are. Idea: Can the two of you do a naked weekend together? no clothes from Friday night until Monday morning. Get used to it a bit?
Honestly, just be yourself. Who else is gonna see you in your birthday suit but your husband? Me (22M) and my girlfriend (20F) got together a year and some change ago and she was the same way. She was and still a bit is super insecure about her body, she honestly is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met and she never believed it due to her highschool and her abusive parents telling her she was overweight and they were ashamed of her. This was all because she wasn’t the “perfect” blonde and 80 pounds type of crap. When she got around me and we started going out and living together, she had to learn to lose that baggage. With intimate time came alot of challenges for her but i worked with her until she felt comfortable enough to shower with me and walk around the bedroom. Now she can’t get enough of it.
I guess one thing that helps us is we both are still little kits at heart and play around like we are 13-14, calling each other cute names, chasing after each other, just things you would expect with an early early teenager. Compliments help out WAY more than you think especially after they are repeated vigorously.
One thing that at least keeps me on my toes are “surprises”. My GF will sometimes be standing there in the hallway strutting her stuff waiting for me. Those kind of nice surprises are necessary. It keeps both self confidences up.
This is just my 2¢
Use some kinky words, set the mood, toy with him.
Looks aint everything.
But, in time, you should really start to work with yourself. Love yourself more.
First of all congratulations on getting deleted on askwomen. It’s almost a badge of honour for a woman on this sub.
Your husband like your bits just the way they are. Accept it. Enjoy the fact that he’s the one looking at them and not you. You don’t have to parade around in negligée’s. A low cut bra with you blouse open or slowly bending over to pick something up then giving him a knowing smile will make his day.
If you want to send him over the edge. Go out for dinner or to a party in a cute dress full commando. Tell him discreetly in the middle of the meal or the party about you not wearing any panties and watch him lose his shit trying to get out of there with you.
All these answers are really vague, or psychological. Here are some concrete ones:
1. Do your hair & makeup
2. Wear your favorite clothing
1. You don’t need to be stark naked
2. Accentuate your favorite parts, hide your less favorite
3. Low lighting
4. Music
5. Appropriate timing
6. Don’t want to say this butttttt… oral