I had a near death experience 3 weeks ago. After discovering I needed an urgent operation in a gland of my brain my life got in a bit of a slippery slope. Taken by panic I started to think all my ill actions in life, and amongst them, how I badly broken up 2 years with a girl. An ex that was a bright star of light in the bad period of life I was experiencing. Career intermittence cause the market, a sick pet, and my ex that left me to go abroad for what was a painful acceptance that's was the best for her. In the moment I got the surgery I imagined her, like a vision. She was laying naked, almost dead on a table. My memories than blurred but when I woke up something changed in me. I suspect I got this thinking because the drugs and also because just a month prior she wrote me while drunk to go pick her up. She was def out of herself in that moment. But it stuck in me.
After my surgery and some days prior I contacted her, to tell her the thing I was going trough. A mortality rate of 3-4% may be low, but considering possible damages and such I got scared. As now, 3 weeks after and recovering I found myself thinking of her. I tried to contact her in the past, to smooth things between us. I was the dumper, cause I had reasonable trust issues towards her. After 6 months of deep relationship I disappeared to her. Because drunk she came to my home and hurt me even. telling me she would ruin my life and such. I forgave her, but it was traumatic.
Now, 2 years after this happens, and I found myself tell her what I feel for her. My search for closure, even cause god know if I will need ulterior fixes for my head. She is since a while avoidant. Barely replying to me. So I asked a friend that told me she has a bf. But I was always kind of following her on socials, and there was a trace of someone just 3 months ago, that she broke up and publicly disgraced as the d00k pick guy.
I asked her trying to talk, if she has a bf, and she told me she got married with a person from the nearby city. Just 3 months ago. I asked further since I got so surprised and she told me it was a secret wedding.
I felt bad to be honest. Unsure if this is true or the best way to take away any hope I could have. And I found both things painful to swallow. I so suggested to have a call, for my own selfish closure. To set my mind, have a chat with her, and move on in joy or sorrow however my life could go. She doesn't want it. She is ok to meet for a coffee but I am a flight away from her. A flight I dunno I will be able to take any soon. I also thought a call would be better. I want her back in reality, but a talk about her life and mine would maybe suffice. A farewell, I egoistically denied her at that time.
I don't feel wrong in wanting her back. But how can I get closure with all of this? Any comment would be loved. Especially girls, tell me the truth. I search for closure, and I would die twice not having it. Or maybe this is just all the result of the stress I am in. But still. Thanks for any advice. I would take them all, Sweat or sour, don't be kind just because my situation.
**TL;DR;** : I faced death because of a brain surgery. I dreamed of my ex under operation. I am now trying to get closure but she won't let me.*