I’ve been dating a guy for the last 6 weeks and I’m trying to figure out if it’s worth pursuing or not?
With my last 2 long term partners (last one being a husband of 12 years) I had the feeling of butterflies, constantly wanting to be with them or talk to them and just being super happy at the start, however both of these went on to treat me like shit and cheat with other women..
I’ve spent 2 yrs learning who i am again, dipping into a bit of dating here and there but nothing major. I’ve wanted to learn and grow from my previous experiences…
I’ve now met this guy and the feeling is completely opposite to previous experiences. I don’t feel the urge to be with him all the time, we text once- maybe twice a day and have met up 4 times over these 6 weeks, but again it’s has been ‘nice’ but not the kind of ‘swept off my feet’ experiences of the past- but I do like him.
Does anyone have any experience ‘slow burner’ dating? Any success stories?!
20 comments
keep seeing him and see where it goes… that’s all you can really do in dating.
there is no magic way to know the future.
but for future reference drama in = drama out. highly dramatic beginning relationships usually end dramatically.
I don’t believe in butterflies in my stomach in order to want to have them as my long term partner. I get something deeper if we are truly compatible. If we share key, core values along with some activities/interests then I get more excited. I want each of us have respect and caring for each other. I want each of us willing to compassionately communicate and have the self-awareness to own our own sh*t.
My last relationship from OLD was like that. I was not immediately attracted to her but kept at it and it kept going deeper for me.
What resonated with me from this post is the thought that surely you, too, must be different than the person you were 12 years ago.
To answer your question–slow burners are the only ones that have worked out for me long term. The nice part of them is that butterflies can come and go when you least expect it.
Slow burning relationships have never worked for me. As soon as someone exciting comes along I want out of the relationship to pursue the new person.
I’m 2 years out of a divorce and have been learning about myself and dating as well. Your previous relationships sound like my experiences when I first started dating again and was an anxious mess. Diving into things headfirst with plenty of love bombing, future faking, and trauma bonding. Your current relationship feels like my most recent one, which was my first after a 6 month break from dating and plenty of therapy and self work. No really strong positive or negative feelings or hours upon hours of texting and phone calls nearly every day. Just living our own lives and making the most of the time we spent together. It didn’t work out, but it felt right. It felt healthy. That being said, just because you’re doing things right doesn’t mean they’re the right person.
>but I do like him
6 weeks in, isn’t that enough to give it more time to see what happens?
I was completely starstruck with someone on the first sight and that didn’t turn out well for me. Now I date someone whom I was okay with for the first 3 dates. The more I learn about him, the more I like him (definitely fall in love with him soon). I don’t know what it will happen between us. But for sure now I think slow burner thing is better for me.
So I have posted this stuff before, but sparks and butterflies aren’t important when dating. Indeed, sparky people tend to be narcissistic. That’s why they are sparky. They are fun, don’t care about others, go on adventures, and have interesting stories. They can be fun for a bit but are terrible longterm.
What you are experiencing with nervousness and butterflies is just excitement. Similar to going on a roller coaster. I guess it’s nice if you can have it and the guy is great, but it’s definitely not necessary and will fade rapidly (as I’m sure you experienced first hand, OP).
What is important for longterm relationships, I.e. green flags, are traits like being sexually attracted to one another, good communication, willingness to compromise, ability to support (both emotionally and financially), empathy, shared interests, etc. These traits can seem “boring” but they also lead to a fulfilling relationship.
Note, I don’t think things need necessarily to be slow-burners. But do focus on what is giving you the head over heals feeling. Is it that he is good looking, has a good job he is passionate about, and you communicate well with him? Or is it that he is good looking, rolls a good joint, and seems always to be doing what he wants when he wants? I mean this is an extreme hypo, but I think you get the idea.
I’ve found instant and intense sparks tend to fizzle out after a few weeks or months. Slow burns are not as thrilling at the start, but if the burn gets slightly more intense over time I think that is a more healthy way of doing things. I’ve also found as I get older I don’t really feel to have someone around constantly. Life is busier then when I was younger. I find wanting to be around someone more often develops more as I get to know them more and we share more experiences together
Yes! Currently seeing someone who I wasn’t immediately drawn too, but the attraction was able to build over time, to the point where by the fourth or fifth date I was definitely starting to experience some butterflies. So the slow burn is a real thing.
However, I’ve also been in a situation where I went on about four dates with a guy who was perfect on paper – handsome, kind, funny, similar interests… but I just never felt any butterflies. The attraction didn’t build, it just flatlined. And I think my friend gave excellent advice when she said, “don’t settle. You deserve butterflies.” And so do you!
I am experiencing this same thing and I am coming to find out that I may have to rewrite my brain about what is love, lust, etc and what I am going to have to find a good person. I recently started taking to someone that is everything but I am shallow as shit and there are
Superficial things that turn me off. Like what his clothing style is and dumb stuff like that. I said that he wasn’t my type to my friend and she replied “oh so he’s a nice guy” and now I understand. I am the woman equivalent of shallow Hal. So I’m going to make a conscious decision to redo this part of my brain…. Maybe other people should too;)
Im going to speak for myself here, because I am 100% certain many women dont get it.
Guys that sweep you off your feet easily and quickly… you already identified that type… yet you keep wanting more of that, and at the same time wanting commitment, and a LTR.
Im not saying THIS GUY will give you the commitment you are hoping for. But maybe he will? Its been 6 weeks now, and at this moment you are questioning it, because you are not familiar.
Talk to him, ask what he sees between the two of you, and see if he is possibly hoping for a relationship with you… Id say he should be sure at this point. If he isnt, then I think you need to let him go.
Either you’ve realized you’re enough without someone and don’t feel the need or you’re just not that into him. Are you on any antidepressants?
My best relationships started off with no feelings of butterflies – just a feeling of easy comfort, trust and a slow-burning but unambiguous sense that I really liked this person. To me that is much rarer than the commonplace (and rather shallow) thrill of having butterflies when you’re out with someone who’s pretty or engaging.
I remember I dated a woman who was great on paper – nice job, very into fitness and fit, good looking and a good person. But I never felt that level of attraction I’d felt with some other girls to her. Eventually it occurred to me I was settling.
I did truly love her but in the end I made the decision for both of us to end it. She was great and deserved a man who appreciated her more than I did, and I also wanted someone I felt more intensely about. I’ve since met someone else who I absolutely adore; I admire her as a person and even after a year we regularly have engaging conversations. The difference between my past relationship and this one is night and day, and had I never broken up with my ex, I wouldn’t have met my current gf.
Frankly, you’re just not that into this person. Yeah, if they’re nice and stable you can make a long-term relationship work, and you can grow to love them, but if you’re not getting that butterfly feeling now you’ll never get it.
Somewhere out there is a person who’ll make you feel alive and excited, who you’ll want to see all the time. You only have one life, and you’ll be spending the majority of it with the partner you choose. On the other hand, if your priorities are more geared to raising kids and maintaining a stable family, the important part is that they’re stable – excitement about them is just a bonus.
You could spend your whole life looking for that one, but personally that’s a risk I’m willing to take rather than settle for someone I’m just not that into.
I’m all for a slow burn but there has got to be passion
I went thru something similar. Had intense attraction to my last partner and when it didn’t workout I took some time to get to know who I was and what I should be valuing. It was a hard shift because looks and attraction were important to me but I felt because it hasn’t worked for me, I needed to go about it in a different way… so the next time, I purposely went out with a guy who I didn’t discount right away due to lack of attraction. We had great conversations, had lots of things in common and had solid values. I really tried to give it a go but at the end, I realized I was trying too hard to make myself like this guy and it wasn’t working. I’m now with someone that I find very attractive, sexy, smart and a great communicator. He also happens to want the same things I do so look deep and ask yourself if you’re settling or not. For me, I’ve been thru so much that settling is no longer an option. If I can’t have it all, I rather be happy alone.
I don’t. I have a coworker who ex was like that and sweep her off her feet but ended up cheating on her. She married another guy later who she said if it wasn’t for her religion and people at church, she would divorce him. She has respect for him but doesn’t feel that loving feeling for him. I don’t know what is more tragic. Dying and not really want your husband to touch you and tired of his entitled expectation and still have to see him and his family weekly…
For me, I learned that for the best and good friend, it was always instant friendship. Now, I am trying to find that in a guy. It is like the more I know him, the more I like him but there has to be an instant attraction/connection if that makes sense. Everyone I met that I was so so, has been nice and I like them the more I learned about them but still so so.
I wish I met someone who I just knew.
Perhaps you were being love bombed and have a warped expectation…. I know that I am skeptic of things being too good so fast.
And yet here I am AGAIN in total LIKE with someone and I can’t help but want to get to know him so I can support and love on his cute fkn self.
I have this feeling that it’s may explode but it’s worth it I guess.
I also fear that he may feel love bombed.
I don’t think it’s a negative… the way your relationship is going. It’s probably good and better. You can see things coming your way when you’re not blinded -like me – by the speed of things or disoriented by the butterflies 🦋
I’ve never been a slow burn person. If I’m not getting butterflies after a few dates, it’s never gonna happen. Seems that you’re like me. So, my question, even if you’re not swept off your feet, do you want to see this guy?? Like…are you excited when you know a date it coming up or are you just kind of…”eh…he seems nice, so I guess I’ll go”?? If you’re not feeling an excitement, there’s nothing wrong with calling things off. In fact, I’d advise you to do so cause it sounds like you two aren’t a match and both of you should be free to find someone who is.
I just had a similar experience. We dated for a month. I felt ambivalent the whole time. We saw each other 2-3 times a week. He was just boring and low effort in every way. So when it ran it’s course l didn’t care at all.