I met someone about three weeks ago. We had been talking online for just about a week. They asked if I wanted to meet and since we lived 3.5 hours away, we decided to meet halfway. We met later in the day and ended up having a great time. We ended up drinking on our date and going swimming. I found myself being more bold than I usually am and since I was staying in a hotel that night, I invited him to stay with me. I also let it be known that I wasn't interested in much more than cuddling. We then both had the next few days off and had talked about going to Santa Cruz the night before. We decided to go together and drove there. On the trip we stayed for a night. We didn't end up sleeping together just cuddling and having a lot of fun. We talked a bit that night about if the distance was too far and we agreed that we didn't think it was and we were both looking for long term partners. The next day, I was feeling really overstimulated. I was tired, sunburned and I felt like conversation wasn't going as well since I realized at this point he hadn't really asked me about myself too much. Things were pretty surface level but also very fun. I sort of got nervous and I ended up having a panic attack. It was pretty awful, considering I've never done this before in front of someone and I was embarrassed. Just for some context I am autistic. I dont think this person understood autism really, but was kind and took the time to help me breathe, explaining this had happened to them before too.
The next day we sort of ran out of things to say and we didn't really talk about where to leave things on the way home. I was hoping he would take the lead but I was a bit embarrassed about the panic attack so I didn't have many expectations at this point. The next day we talked about seeing other people and he mentioned that he had wanted to ask me the day before, but didnt want to freak me out. I don't know if he was mirroring me. The conversation was prompted by me and he asked to facetime about it, so I thought that was a good sign. He also said he had a lot of fun and hadn't had that much fun in awhile. I also asked him how often he would like to talk and said that he would like to talk daily, wasn't a big phone person and liked to facetime. With my autism, I hate being on the phone so I thought this sounded ok.I was happy where things were. He said he would be around the next day at 2:00 pm (on the fourth of july) if we wanted to talk more then. I decided that he was likely interested in me, if the distance wasn't an issue and he wanted to keep talking. I believe I had said that I would like to see him as often as I was able, and he said that for the next month he wasn't working and would like to do the same.
The next day we were texting a bit and the time came for him to call, and he did not. 45 minutes after, he texted me and simply said he had just gotten home. I was a bit frustrated and set my mind on something else, hoping to distract myself from being upset. I assumed the plan still stood so I didn't respond for a couple hours. Then, at 7:45 he said, "lmk if you still want to facetime, otherwise we can do it tomorrow" which was like he was expecting me to initiate. When I let him know this, he said his brother had stopped into town and that he didnt know if I was still free and profusely apologized. I was quite frustrated and took his lack of wanting to call and mixed signal energy from the trip as a sign he wasn't really into me and I ended things.
Story gets weirder. Four days pass and I keep debating with myself if I should have let things go because we did have a really fun trip and I was worried my expectations were too high. Turns out I got COVID. I felt I should let him know and he mentioned that he hadn't been feeling well the last three days. I did and my curiosity to give him the benefit of the doubt it turned out that he had (Based on what his symptoms were) covid the day he was supposed to call me, since it turns out when he got home took a nap and he said it "slipped his mind" I can't say that if I had covid I wouldn't have done the same thing. He seemed to be honest about it and told me it wouldn't happen again. I said it couldn't hurt to slow down and he agreed it could be good to keep dating and we didn't need to go on long trips. He even offered to bring me covid supplies to me the next day. 3.5 hours away. I actually took him up on it and he did follow through.
When he arrived, he seemed just weird. We hadn't discussed whether or not he would come in. I didn't want to get him sick again (he never tested officially so I didn't know for sure) and mentioned I didn't want to get him sick but he could stay and visit, it was up to him. He said he would for a little while. Well we ended up visiting four five or six hours, listening to music and playing chess. It was more light fun, like before. While he was there, he got a text saying his grandma was in the hospital. It lead to a really good convo as his grandma is sick with the same disease as my mother. We didn't hold hands and he kept saying he was pretty sure he already had covid so that was a bit disappointing. I took it as he was trying to give me space since I wasn't feeling well. I let him know that I would be coming his way that weekend to visit my mom and I could stop in. He ended up saying that he likes me more and more each time he sees me later that night over text.
Over the next couple days, he didn't initiate facetiming or calling but we were texting daily. I was still feeling uncomfortable because I did peep his following on instagram and it was very heavily girls that were in bikinis. Since he had lived in Hawai for five years I tried to play it down and give him a change.
I asked for a phone call to firm up our plans and he called me right away. I ended up coming through again, and we had another really good date. Still though, not much in the way of asking deeper questions to me. We ended up laughing alot, and doing acro yoga together which was really fun. I was glad he was willing to explore this interest with me. He also packed me this lunch for the road with all sorts of snacks. I should mention, he always opened doors for me and gets my chair as well as pays. He also did grab my hand during lunch. When I got home, he said facetime or text me whenever you want and I said we should facetime the day after tomorrow. We had a brief facetime and texted throughout the two days in between. I let him know that he made me happy and he kept calling me beautiful and said the same thing.
I came back through the following day and I didn't hear from him too much that day until we were about to meet up. Again, energy seemed off. He just seemed subdued and quiet. He then let me know he wasn't feeling well and debated meeting up because he had eaten some pizza he had left in his car from our date. He perked up a bit as time went on but overall it was a very quiet time of swimming and some cuddling for a few hours. He had brought me some snacks for the road again like a gentleman. When he got home, he told me he was falling for me more and more every time he saw me. I was honestly surprised to hear that as it seemed like he wasn't making much eye contact or talking, but maybe this was enough for him. I let him know that I was having a bit of a hard time reading him but I was happy to hear that, and really liked him. Something weird was that he didn't take his phone out of his car.
The next day he said he was still feeling ill and was sleeping. I went to bed early and we didn't talk on the phone. The next day he asked me if I wanted to facetime the following day. I hated how I felt like I needed to play detective but I just felt something was off. Like if he had wanted to continue to date other people in his town, I dont think i would have really thought that was unreasonable if he had just been honest.
I continued to still feel weird about it and decided to give his following more of a look to try to get a read on things. I noticed he had recently added two women that were local to him and also very attractive. I just felt like that tipped my anxiety and I straight up asked him what his intentions were with me and let him know how it made me feel. I asked him to be honest and just let me know if he had been talking to other people. Kinda wish I had asked not over text because the responses were just dusty afterward. I'm not sure if the convo would have been easier to digest but he said all these girls were people he had met in Hawaii or his past. From what I can tell, there weren't a bunch of likes etc but the women were definitely not all from places he used to live and I didnt see the need for it. I let him know how it made me feel and he offered to remove them. He also showed me his snapchat screenshot. It had the name of someone named Jill who he said was a married friend. I recalled him mentioning his friend having a "smokin hot wife" on our trip and so I figured that was most likely her. I realized I didn't appreciate the way he viewed women regardless of his behavior. I told him that with the distance between us it made me feel unimportant and that I was competing. He did say that he was not talking to others, and was only interested in talking to me but also that he had not given me reason to believe that I should be. He even said who else would drive 4 hours to see someone they didnt like, i've never driven that far for someone. I just told him I didn't want to be in position to police him either. He then said he was distracted when we were together because of his grandma getting sick and when he was feeling sick too. It was getting late and we had been texting for about three hours at this point. At the end he asked for a chance and said the question was if we continue to try to make it work or not. I said I just didn't know and it could be a values issue. Instead of waiting to call, he then texted me that we should go our seperate ways. He said he was starting to catch feelings and that he needed to protect himself. He also said that he had told me his values and that I still wasnt' believing him and that it felt like work and was exhausting.
It was exhausting. I didn't set appropriate boundaries and my behavior I'm worried I made it too easy for him to pursue me. I feel bad because in a lot of ways we were really good for each other. I dont know if I sabotaged the relationship before it had a chance to bloom, but I think my instincts were trying to protect me from someone who could really harm me. My question is, why would someone go to such lengths to tell me they wanted only me, but act that way especially distance. Am I just totally ignorant? Like were they just mirroring what I was telling them I wanted? I wonder if the fact that he let me go indicated that he couldn't keep us his social media habits anymore. I tend to not believe in the whole let a man pursue thing, I think things move naturally when both people like each other equally and I thought this was what that was, but I found every time I stepped back I was disappointed. I 've heard that men usually put you in a category right away and I thought maybe he put me in the "just have fun category but tell her what she wants to hear to keep her around" but then we had that deep conversation and it felt like things were deepening. I'm just very confused all around.