My (F37) husband (M43) and I have been married for 9 years. He told me his parent got Covid. He said he was going to ask what their symptoms were. I said I’m curious about that too. A moment later I added, I also wonder how long they’ve had symptoms. Another moment later I said the timeline could be important for us too since we saw them a little over a week ago.
He’s previously had issues with me seemingly expressing more concern over our/my well-being than the person who is sick. I know this is one of his sensitive issues so was sure to express concern for his parent first in this scenario.
However, in our conversation afterward (because me questioning the timeline blew up into a huge issue), he said there are certain things that no matter who you say them to and regardless of how long you’ve known them, are going to come across in a certain negative way — like sensitive topics regarding family.
What would be a more gentle way to ask when his parent first got symptoms? Am I being disrespectful for wanting to know this timeline? I feel like one of the benefits of having a close friend or spouse is that despite your idiosyncrasies, you can be yourself without worrying as much about criticism. One of my traits is that sometimes when a new situation arises, I’m quick with asking questions about details. He is very familiar with this and it’s something I try to keep in check.
Today was a reminder that he’s sensitive about me asking questions about how a loved one’s illness might impact us, and I acknowledged that and said I’d wait more time before asking about that in the future. But I can’t help but feel like he is hyperfocusing on the part of what I said that he doesn’t like and trying to make it an issue. He says that it is an issue because it’s triggering to him.
At the end of the conversation, I asked if he had anything else to say, and he said no. I then asked if he understood where I was coming from at all (he said he did), and whether he sees that the timeline of illness was not the top priority for me (he said that that’s what I said so he believes me).
I said I appreciate him expressing understanding where I’m coming from during tough conversations because it helps the conversation go smoother when we acknowledge/ understand each other’s feelings. He didn’t say anything for a few minutes, then brought up another unrelated facet of the conversation. I asked if he had a response to what I said a few minutes ago, and he said no, I heard you. He did end up elaborating a minute later but again I felt totally unacknowledged because he didn’t respond to what I said until I prompted him. I’m feeling like his actions are speaking louder than his words but am I missing something?
I feel like I’m going crazy and (surprise) am looking for some acknowledgment and validation (or let me know if I’m truly in the wrong) because I don’t know what to think anymore. Thanks for reading.
TLDR: Husband upset I asked when his parent started having Covid symptoms. He said it feels like that detail is my top priority over how they’re doing. How can I ask about a loved one’s illness timeline in a gentler way? Am I overlooking something about my responses that may be insensitive?