I am a 30-year-old in need of some advice regarding my relationship. My girlfriend, also 30, and I have been together for a little over two years. We met in America, but she moved back to England, and I plan to join her at the end of next year.She has two children, aged 9 and 10, and manages everything on her own without any outside help. While our relationship is filled with love and amazing moments, I often feel like I am putting in much more effort than she is.
My girlfriend came out of a 9-year marriage that was very abusive and traumatizing. Her ex was physically abusive, and she eventually got a restraining order. I met her a year after she broke up with her ex. I’ve tried to get her into therapy, and although she initially refused and quit after two sessions, she eventually agreed to go back after some convincing.
One of the challenges we face is emotional expression. I suspect she might have high-functioning autism, which has made her emotionally unavailable. Although I also struggle with emotional availability, I do have moments where I am vulnerable and express my deep emotions. Unfortunately, I feel like she doesn't appreciate these moments or the efforts I make for her and her kids.
I feel unappreciated for a lot of the things I do. It's not just the financial support, but the mental and emotional energy I invest in thinking about her and trying to help her. I’m always there for her, trying to support her and her family. She rarely expresses gratitude or appreciation, and it really hurts because I care about her so much and feel like my efforts go unnoticed.
I do help her out financially from time to time, although I want to be clear that she has never asked me for money. I spend so much time thinking about her and how I can make life better for her and the kids. Her children see me as a father figure, and she wants me to be that for them (we’ve even talked about having more kids). However, I feel like she lacks basic emotional intelligence and doesn't know how to show appreciation. She isn't very expressive unless she's had a few drinks.
The transition from my very needy and emotionally expressive ex to my current girlfriend has been a huge adjustment. I don’t feel very needed. When I ignore her for a few days, it doesn't feel like she misses me. We’ve talked about her lack of appreciation, and she explained that her love language is "acts of service." She loves cooking and cleaning and did that a lot for me when we were together. She emphasizes that it’s very difficult for her to be expressive and that this is the only healthy relationship she has been in.
I understand that raising two kids on her own is very draining and that they are her number one priority. Still, I feel like I am one of the very few people in her life that actually care about and love her.
Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice on how to navigate this? What do I do?
Thank you in advance for your insights.
tldr: I've been in a long-distance relationship with my 30-year-old girlfriend for over two years. Despite loving each other deeply, I feel like I'm putting in much more effort than she is. She struggles with emotional expression and rarely shows appreciation for the support I provide. Any advice on how to navigate this imbalance?