Hi everyone! First of all, I should say that I am not a native speaker, so this post may sound a bit off. Also, it's embarrassing.
Here's the thing: I met this guy at my first job when I was 18 and we clicked immediately. We had a lot of shared interests and our view on this world and our lives is almost identical. We started dating about two months after we first met and it was going just great. We had a lot of fun, never argued and it felt like I finally met someone who really understood me. My other half, if you'd like. The problem is, we got co-dependent really quickly. We worked a 2/2 job, so we spent two days working together and, usually our two off-days also together at someone's place. Apart from that, I was in a really bad place mentally, and he had a lot of problems in life, generally.
So, after about eleven months of dating I broke up with him – honestly, I don't even remember why. I think I didn't really feel anything at the time, didn't know what I wanted and was also really co-dependent which led to constant disappointments. We got back not long after, for he begged me to try another time or at least continue as friends, which, of course, we couldn't do. So, we continued our relationship, even got closer, I think, and greeted our second New Year together.
All was going great, but our personal problems didn't go away magically. I felt even worse, he had to work A LOT and, I think, got really depressed, which caused him to constantly play games at his alone time and pick up smoking. I have always been there for him and tried to ask him what's wrong, but he just shrugged it off by saying that he just likes playing video games and needs time to relax. It wasn't a big problem in our relationship, he still made enough time to see me and gave all the love he can, but I got disappointed in him for not even wanting to at least admit that something was wrong. I felt like he didn't try enough for himself or for me or for anyone in his life, and I just got too tired of being there for a person that didn't wanna change.
At some point, my mental health also got really bad and I went to see a therapist for the first time in my life. I started getting better, and as I remembered all the times I cried because of my boyfriend it was apparent to me that we should separate. It wasn't his fault most of the time, it's just that I was so dependent on him that I couldn't live on my one most of the time and cried every time he couldn't, for example, come to my place and "save me". So, my disappointment and this conclusion led to another breakup, which happened four months ago.
Nevertheless, it was necessary – I feel the best I've ever had in my life. And to feel that way I needed to finally be on my own. But now that I look back I am afraid I had lost someone really special. Of course, I am young and I haven't had a lot of experience, but I've never felt this safe and understood with anyone but him. I never was "head over the heels" in love with him, but I deeply loved him and felt a real connection to this person. I feel like I was too caught up in my own problems to even notice how special our relationship was and I absolutely wasn't the best girlfriend. I could've helped him just like he helped me for a year and a half that we dated. Cause, looking back, I was absolutely insufferable at times.
So yeah, I kinda wanna go back to him. Just because I am afraid that I will never find anything like this again but also it just feels weird not to talk to a person closest to you. It also seems that now that I am in a good headspace and it feels like I understood A LOT more in these last months, we could build something even better and bigger. I don't feel sad or lonely, I feel truly happy on my own and I understand that there's now nothing he could give me that I can't get myself. I know I need to wait for at least a year, after all of the connection and loneliness wares off, and then MAYBE make a decision if I still want to. But I need to hear other people's opinions on this situation
TL;DR: I(20F) broke up with a guy (24M) who I think was the perfect match for me and with whom I dated for a year and a half and I can't decide if I should go back.