I (31F) have been seeing a guy (34M) for 3 months. We met at a bar where we had mutual friends who introduced us. It's been going great – we have lots in common, he makes me laugh a lot, we have fun when we see each other and he's funny, kind and caring. We've had the chat about being exclusive so aren't seeing anyone else.
The problem (or maybe the problem) is that he's the main carer for his dad. His dad lives close to him and I don't know all of the ins and outs in detail but it sounds as if his dad has depression. Bad episodes are those where he doesn't go out for a week or two at a time, doesn't care/cook for himself…. This means the guy I'm seeing goes round to support him most evenings, shops, cooks, cleans, stays over etc, all whilst holding down a more than full time job. His parents split up when he was young, he had no grand parents and he is an only child, so the caring role falls on him. He takes him for weeks away to get him out of the house. He's said his dad won't seek help or support, so he really is in it alone.
I feel really conflicted because on the one hand this shows how caring and loyal he is and how he puts the people he loves above everything else. What worries me is that say this did go somewhere long term, am I going to turn into a secondary carer too? I would obviously never stop him from doing things for his dad, and I understand most of us over 30 have some sort of "baggage". I'm just a bit worried this could mean I'm a secondary carer for the rest of my life. It would also mean never having the option to move elsewhere as he would (understandably) want to be near his dad.
Has anyone had any experience of this? Any advice?
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Does his dad go to some sort of therapist or other mental health professional? Is his dad working on treating the depression in any way? Because otherwise, the son might just be kind of enabling his dad more than actually helping him. TBH, when I clicked on this post, I thought it was him caring for his dad because his dad had significant physical limitations, or something like dementia. Not saying mental health related conditions aren’t serious, but it kind of sounds like his dad isn’t getting the professional help he needs to manage his depression, and that if he did get the right help, he could probably be a lot more self-sufficient.
Ok, typed this all out and saw the comment about how his dad won’t seek help or support. This is not ok then. I get that this guy is trying to be nice, and trying to be a good son, but he’s ultimately doing a lot more harm to his dad.
As somebody who went through something similiar and hoping its not coming across as too judgmental, I think you are not cut out for a relationship with him and that is okay. In a situation like this, it can be tempting for outsiders to assume some self-righteous position and criticize you for the points you made above. The truth is, it is a compatibility and value issue and there is no right and wrong.
You do not want to be a secondary carer and see this situation as a potential liability. That indicates to me that you two have very different values and are not compatible for a long term relationship. I would advise you to end it before resentment creeps in and both of you get hurt. Speaking from my own experience, it is not something you can overcome and it will get only worse with time. And I do get that it sucks as the more superficial aspects seem to be aligning for the two of you, but this outweighs it by far.
I would not be okay with this, in large part because his behavior is enabling his father to not get help.
It’s not like his dad doesn’t have a choice in the matter (ALS, cancer, dementia, etc). His father is choosing not to treat depression. And he can make that choice because his son enables him to.
That’s not a dynamic I can be part of.
Why not speak to him about it?
You could just communicate your concerns with him….
I’ve been in a similar situation. He was taking care of both his parents (they were just old, no codependency/enabling issues like you stated). He let his parents move in with him and then asked me to move in. Told him this is something I did NOT wanna do. Found out through his mother at a family outing that he had another woman he was talking to and that him and I were no longer together but just “close friends”. This was news to me lol. We broke up (???) shortly after.
I’m extremely certain your situation may not be the same, but you may wanna talk to him directly. If this is not something you’re okay with, and rightfully so, then you need to tell him before things get worse for you.
Sounds like the kinda guy you might want to keep around for when you get old and gray
I would be more worried about if he has time for a relationship at all for the time being because you guys are only 3 months in. It sounds like a selfish thing to say but you should be with someone who has you as their priority right now.
With all due respect, this is not your business. You’re getting way too ahead of yourself. You’re thinking so far into the future that your’re worried about being a secondary caretaker?! Really? Why don’t you just take it easy and date him without getting so bent out of shape about his relationship / responsibilities with his father that you’re making it a big issue. It isn’t your responsibility and that’s all that matters. I honestly find it strange that you’re even posing this question about a man you’ve known for three months.
If it weren’t his dad but his dog (assuming he’s got a pet) that is also very sick and needs his attention all the time, how would you deal with it?
Why isn’t his dad getting treated for this?
If it continues as you describe it is going to be a situation that continues in perpetuity. Dad’s refusal to get treated is running son’s life. This sounds like the heavier end of the “baggage” spectrum for over 30s.
>I’m just a bit worried this could mean I’m a secondary carer for the rest of my life.
It can mean that. Or it might not turn out like that. We don’t know. You don’t know. And I’m sure your guy doesn’t know. Your guy likely is hoping his dad gets better or things get better, but he’s likely going through things you can’t understand atm.
>It would also mean never having the option to move elsewhere as he would (understandably) want to be near his dad.
This can be the case. And this also might not be the case. This is sounding like my first paragraph. So I’ll end it here.
Ultimately, we make the decisions that we want in life. If you can’t see yourself under this uncertainty or potentially being tied to his commitment, then perhaps its best you reconsider the relationship.
You’re assuming too much.
I’ve met people who care deeply for others and with great effort. Yet, they don’t apply this attitude to their SO. I saw my brother’s friend be absolutely amazing while giving voluntary palliative care to my brother. He was absolutely atrocious to his girlfriends.
You’re also assuming that he’ll expect you to help, or that you won’t be able to hold a boundary you don’t want to cross.
Your concern doesn’t seem to be whether he has time for you as you said it’s going great, so you should talk to him and see if he even expects a partner to help care for his dad any time in the remotely near future (I think everyone ought to expect some responsibility about aging parents later down the line). Sounds to me like he’s got it fairly well in hand.
Regarding moving elsewhere, that’s not unique to this guy. Lots of people don’t have the ability to just move, whether because of work or family or being settled in an area already.
Dealing with a family member who refuses to do what’s in their own best interest is terribly hard, and I feel some of these comments don’t understand that. It’s easy to talk about “why isn’t he seeking help, your guy is just enabling him” but be real, what is he supposed to do when Dad doesn’t seek help? Just let him starve or kill himself? He can’t force his dad to get help and he can’t abandon him either. Tough love doesn’t work in all scenarios.
If you feel uncomfortable with it or if you feel like he doesn’t actually have time for you, then move on, you’re not wrong for doing that. But it seems to me you’re working with incomplete information here and you really need to talk to him about what you each see the future holding for you within a partnership.
The only thing that is clear is that you don’t have all the facts. The choices are to find out the facts and make an informed choice or jump ship with what knowledge you have.
My personal experience of previously having mental health struggles and putting a burden on my own son taught me it was my responsibility to take care of myself and my sons life shouldn’t be troubled by this. This is my experience only. I made that choice for myself, I have come out the other side of it and have tools which have prevented me from repeating patterns that caused the problems. I also recognised that there was an element of co-dependence which needed work and that has been a huge factor in not repeating the same mistakes.
Best of luck.
My fiance and partner of over 6 years left me last year because he didn’t feel I was caring enough of him needing to be there for his mom who had cancer (he has 6 siblings who live close by and I felt they needed to share the load of caring for her) It’s a very complicated situation and I had issues with his mom for long before her diagnosis (she became a consoiracy theorist during the pandemic and put her crazy, unemployed, free-loading husband above her adopted special-needs child). He cared for her, I believe, until she died.
I am more of a carer type of person. I am an only child with an ageing mother and no help but she will have a carer when she needs one because I am not a carer and don’t want to be in that role (we don’t have a good relationship). She has saved money for this as i will have to save for my future care as i dont have siblings or children. Some people believe in dropping everything for their family of origin, even to the detrement of their relationship. My ex said I’d never be more important than his mom, only AS important, which was a problem for me. This guy sounds like one of those.
I know it sounds harsh but you probably will be expected to do more, care more, feel more. And if you don’t you could risk being left behind.
Most people have aging parents that we will eventually have to support. Seeing how people handle these situations says a lot about whether they’ll be around “in health and sickness”. So this person seems to be a keeper from the information you shared.
On the other hand, it’s also understandable we don’t want to enter a relationship and immediately have to become a care taker to a “not quite in law” that we have no previous relation with. Can you have an honest boundary discussion with him? To share that you (1) would not want to be a care taker (2) since much of his time is going to his dad, check how much housework he will contribute to if you two start to live together or raise family together. You may found yourself not having to take care of his father, but is left with most of the housework (3) also ask yourself, one day if you find yourself the primary care taker of your parents, will you be ok of him not contributing to the care? Would you want to ask him to contribute more to your own household chores if you’re the sole care taker? I imagine it may cause resentment if you expect more from him for your future care taker responsibility than what you can provide to his current care taker responsibility.
Can your guy (or his dad) afford to pay for a caretaker to step in? This obviously doesn’t solve the mental health problem, but could save your relationship.
I think you have to be very candid about your concerns, and your guy has to be creative if he wants to sustain his own well-being and/or a relationship with you. I also don’t think it’s fair to assume he’d want you to be a caretaker too; but a valid concern on your part.
Its expected once in your 30s that parental roles reverse. Alot of us have aging parents and sometimes we are left in the caretaker role. Im a mom and a daughter. My dad had a stroke causing him not to be able to drive, so he has to depend on me or my daughter for rides. He lives with me. My point is, if you cant handle that he ist he caretaker and you fear you will end up doing it, dont date him anymore. His dad is his priority and hes a package deal
For me, the issue would be the potential enabling/codependency dynamic because his dad isn’t treating a very treatable condition. Is he going to want codependency in other spheres? That’s the yellow flag for me.
As for worrying about being a secondary caregiver – that’s less of a concern in my opinion, because you can avoid that by drawing clear boundaries. If you decide to stay with him, you’ll jsut need to be super clear that his relationship with his dad is his and his alone, and that you are not available to help out with his dad. You can use the time he’s with his dad as “me time” and plan solo activities, or you can plan time with friends. If anything it could be a convenient way to ensure that you maintain good relationships with friends and independent hobbies.
If he gives you shit or makes you feel guilty for enforcing that boundary, he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend, he was looking for free labor for his dad.