My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for nearly 5 years now. (I understand how horrible that age difference is, I have serious daddy issues) and I truly don’t know how to leave this relationship. I feel like Im stuck in an isolating bubble of trauma, stress, and sadness. However, this is my first real relationship, and pretty much my first everything else. I feel so attached that the thought of leaving the relationship also puts me in a state of panic, because I live in a city where I have no family, barely any friends because he’s pretty much kept me away from them.
Anyway, he has a daughter, which I love but it also means I’ve only seen him on the weekends after he’s done with work for 4 years now ( he has full custody) and I’ve been so understanding of that, and his drinking problems that I’ve been trying to help him with our entire relationship, to the point where I’ve been sober for 2 years now to try to support him. It hasn’t changed a thing. The accumulation of not seeing him, his alcoholism, and the fact that I just feel like I try so much harder in this relationship has sucked the life out of me. I also just feel like I’ve been manipulated by an older man for far too long, and feel like a complete idiot for spending so much of my 20s on this situation. HAVENT EVEN LIVED TOGETHER AND NO SIGNS OF A FUTURE? He says he loves and wants me so much but I don’t feel it. I beat myself up for staying so long, and it almost makes me feel like I’ve wasted too much time and I won’t find anybody that’s truly going to love or want me anymore, but maybe that’s just my emotions talking and the lack of self esteem this relationship has left me with.
Do I just rip the bandage? Break up with him and block him everywhere? I’ve never broken up with anybody before and this has been on my mind for so long but every time I’ve tried, he’s convinced me to stay with him, begs me, tells me he’s going to change and it’s so hard to leave. I feel so vulnerable.
How do I do this?