I'm 22f and this is a problem I've dealt with since middle school. For some reason I can't understand, people love to make plans to your face, just to cancel or ghost you at the last minute and then go back to acting like nothing happened at school/work.
I thought it would get better as I got older, but I was wrong. Right now, I'm dealing with a coworker who I'm very close with at work, but outside of work, she doesn't even acknowledge me. It's so confusing. She seems like she wants to be my friend. She told me MULTIPLE TIMES, "oh I'd love to hang out with you! Yeah please make a group chat with (other coworkers) and we can all do something! I'd love that!"
So I made a group chat and texted asking to make plans. What do I get? Radio silence. I've also texted her individually, and I'm either ghosted or get a one word response.
It just hurts. I literally haven't had friends since middle school because of this. Everyone loves to be around me at work or school but the second I try to make plans outside of that setting, no one is interested. I just don't understand, why make plans to my face and tell me you're so exited, just to ghost? Why do people do this??? How are you supposed to make friends when everyone is like this??
10 comments
Good old avoidant attachment, they attach to you (they want to be your friend)…but once you make plans to consolidate that, that’s a nope, their insecurities won’t let them take that step, so they will flake and ghost (hence “avoidant”), and will appear next day like nothing happened
Avoidant attachment makes sense like the other comment said, because they feel safe in their comfort zone of their pre-existing schedules and lifestyles. It doesn’t always happen though, because I’ve encountered people who do show up to new settings when making plans, but it is strange when they don’t even state an excuse or a real reason that speaks to your confusion.
I wouldn’t lose hope with other people you come across in the future, but I wouldn’t place an expectation over them in case you get disappointed either.
Adulthood is worse than High School for making friends and scheduling – everybody is always busy or burnt out, you HAVE to voluntarily find and maintain shared hobbies or explicitly make time for each other, and going out anywhere costs moneyMONEY nowadays.
Seriously, find a hobby group that meets at least once every two weeks. Local adult league sports teams, stitch n’ bitches, book clubs at the library, toastmasters, are all great places to start.
As for your co-workers – when people show you who they are, believe them. Many folks agree or prompt a hang out as a social nicety, but will not participate in scheduling (because scheduling is a PITA). If you wanna try again, try for after a shared shift recommending a drink. Its a little easier to say yes to something quick in the moment. I wouldn’t put too much emotional investment into coworkers though, because it becomes very easy for either side to let it impact work
What I have done:
I say “hey! I really want to go to this art market in 2ish weeks. Are you free then?” That gives an activity/a time/ and ample notice. Then I will text them about a week out & say something like “oh I saw this vendor was going to be there! Super excited for that.” It’s a gentle reminder & keeps the convo going when you’re not seeing each other face to face. Then the day before or two days before I’ll say “are still on for the art market?” As a more direct reminder. This typically works
Another HUGE tip that I can give is to pick activities that have a hard stop and communicate that. For instance, in my community, bar trivia is always two hours. I’ll say “hey the brewery is having trivia on Tuesday from 5-7. I’m planning to watch the new episode of a show at 8 but I’d love to go to trivia. Would you be down to go?” This helps people that have spouses and/or kids and/or responsibilities.
The problem is you’re dealing with acquaintances, or “situational friends.” (the work person, for example)
TRUE friends don’t ghost you, or cancel (without a valid excuse), or make plans in front of you, or ignore your invitations.
You have to make a true close friend, just one, to get the idea of how friendship is supposed to work. And that means focusing on one person (for a while) and seeing if you can develop that close friendship.
It won’t get better as we age because it isn’t an age issue, it’s a generational one. Gen Z is flakey as hell, period. Mainly because there aren’t really any social consequences to last-minute cancellations and/or ghosting. Before social media, your potential for meeting new people was limited to a fairly small group, and word spread quickly if your behavior wasn’t up to snuff. Now you can just download an app and have thousands of new people at your fingertips. This is good, as it broadens our pool of potential friends, but it also causes us to value individual people far less and lightens the incentive to act in a socially acceptable way. We tend to excuse it as boundaries and demand everyone respect them.
That said, it isn’t all doom and gloom. You can and will find your people. They do exist. They’re just harder to find than before. My social circle is smaller now, but I’m extremely picky with who I allow in, far less tolerant of terminally online zoomer behavior than I used to be, I’ve disconnected from all social media platforms besides Reddit (which I only use as a time killer anyway) and I’m honestly pretty content that way. Meeting people in meat space yields better results.
I call Bull$*#& and say that you are probably a fantastic reliable employee who helps make their lives easier or pleasant to be around for the forced 8 hour work day BUT they do not value you any other time. Self Absorbed Asshats. They suck. Move on.
Dude same. I’m someone who likes planning things ahead of time, keep a Google calendar so I never double book a hangout, etc. I never thought I’d ever wish I were NOT proactive, organized, punctual, etc. but at this point I think if I were the opposite maybe I’d be less upset with others lol.
I know it’s frustrating when people flake because they’re exhausted from working but like isn’t that kind of a valid excuse in a country that overworks people?
I found a massive change in my friend group when I stopped making said thing contingent on their attendance.
“I’m going to the Zoo on the 13th. Come if you want.”
And now everyone comes, because the “pressure” has been removed.
On the rare instance they don’t, I’m still at the zoo eating ice cream staring at Penguins. I then make it known to the group that I followed through on the plans with a picture of going.