I am 27/f and am having a very difficult time making friends. Here’s a little background… I went to college and graduated, and met my husband in college. I didn’t really have a set friend group in college, I moreso was friendly with different groups of people and knew a lot of people. This was nice because most places I went I would know someone and could talk to them. The downside is that I didn’t really form close connections except a few that I’ve lost contact with.
I am only friends with two women from college and they live 4 hours away so I never see them. I currently have 1 close female friend “Sarah” who lives in the same city and that’s about it. For years I’ve been wishing for close female friendships, but I’ve been striking out.
I’ve always been very shy/introverted but feel I’ve made so many strides lately with putting myself out there and reaching out to people, becoming more extroverted, but it’s barely made a difference. I go out a lot more and now am the first to strike up a conversation or suggest an activity together. I don’t think I’m intimidating, I’ve been told I look very friendly. When interacting with people I smile, make eye contact, make an effort to connect, use open body language, ask interesting questions, compliment them on something other than their appearance, etc. Despite this, I’m still at square one. Here are a few things that have happened where friendships fell though…
Sarah had a close friendship with a woman named Rachel and we hung out together a few times. I really liked Rachel at first and we hung out together 1:1 a few times… but then things got weird. My close friend Sarah said Rachel was ghosting her. The second time Rachel and I hung out, she turned to me and told me she’s ghosting Sarah and just dropping her with no explanation (she said their energy didn’t match so there wasn’t a real reason to just drop someone.) She seemed really judgmental at that point and I figured she would inevitably ghost me too. She would also ask me very deeply personal questions when I just met her and it made me quite uncomfortable. This didn’t sit well with me so I decided to discontinue the friendship.
Here’s another one. I am in an art class (putting myself out there) and there’s a woman close to my age who teaches called Becca. Her and I really hit it off and exchanged numbers, she hinted that she wanted to hang out and we would talk after class each time because we share the same interests. Yet when I texted her I got literally no response and was left on read. And she would offer to make plans in person but wouldn’t follow up, but when I reached out I got no response. So I could tell she wasn’t really interested.
Last example. And old friend from highschool basically didn’t want me there to celebrate her birthday which hurt. But we’ve had a rocky friendship lately (she has unaddressed mental health issues and addictions.) I think she knows I don’t approve of her behavior so that’s why.
When my romantic relationship got serious, I told myself I wouldn’t have made friendships and basically cut ties will all my male friends over the past few years. My husband and I mutually agreed we wouldn’t hang out with the opposite gender 1:1. But a male friend from highschool has hit my up this week and asked if I wanted to do something together, we would go to a bar then to my husband’s concert. (My husband is in a band.) My husband doesn’t have a problem with me doing this, but I was raised to believe it would be wrong to go to a bar with this guy sense I’m married, even though it’s strictly platonic.
Anyway, it seems like a lot of people are flaky and don’t really want to form connections. Nowadays people ghost, leave you on read, or just flake and plans fall through. It seems people are very avoidant and would rather just ghost you or leave you on read than say they’re busy or whatever.
I just don’t know what to do at this point. I’d love female friendships and have more examples of people flaking but I don’t want to make this post too long. I really didn’t want to have male friendships sense I’m married now but I don’t want to have zero friends. Sigh. I’m sorry this is turning into a rant but I would also appreciate any input or advice. Does it seem to you all like this generation is just… flaky? Like it’s harder to make friends now more than ever??
1 comment
Not everyone is a good friend candidate. Rachel sounds like she falls into that category. Not sure what went on with the art teacher. From your description it sounds like you’re doing the right things. Striking up regular conversations, building a rapport, then asking the person to do something with you.
That’s how it’s done. At the same time, this seems to have been a consistent problem throughout your life. So it’s unlikely that it’s just because the world has a lot of flakey people. I mean, it DOES, but in spite of this most of the world manages to make solid friendships. So what’s the problem here?
[kind of leaving aside the issue of the potential male buddy — personally I’d avoid that unless you’re hanging out with hubby or in groups. There’s so much that could go wrong there, or just look wrong.]
So, why aren’t more people interested in forming connections? Is it because the amount of people you’re exposed to is limited? The solution to that would be to increase your exposure by joining something: adult ed class, hobby/interest club, volunteer work, adult recreational sports team, exercise class, outdoors club, political action group etc. Then you’ve got more people to pick from, and you can follow up with the most promising ones.
I can’t tell from your description if there’s anything about you that is the issue. Four traits that people enjoy in others are something I call ECHO: Enthusiasm, Confidence, Humor & Optimism. Most people don’t have all four of those, but if you can develop two of them that’s a great start.
Also you have to watch for things that turn people off: negativity/tendency to complain; unreliable/flakey (haha, yeah, I know!); dumps too much personal info too soon; lots of drama; too self-focused; low self-esteem that just sort of oozes out of your pores when you don’t even realize it. (That’s kind of a big one, and takes a major effort to overcome. Worth it though!)
Stuff like that.
So I’m not sure what the issue is, but there are definitely people out there available for friendships. You just have to find them, and bring the Right Stuff when you do.
Good luck!