Women who regret initiating/getting divorced: what’s your story?

2 comments

1. I chose divorce because he hit me when he was black-out drunk one night — I’d warned him when we first met that I wouldn’t stand for anything like DV, ever. Added to that, one of my sons was standing just behind me.

   So, divorce it was. He didn’t even remember the next day what he’d done so wouldn’t apologise, and even denied it completely. I thought of it this way: if he doesn’t remember and also denies it when he sobers up, who’s to say it wouldn’t happen again?

   The reason he hit me was that he was pissed off at me because I wouldn’t give up plans to take the kids to a long-awaited first-night screening of a film we’d ALL been dying to see; I’d had tickets for us all for weeks. But on the day of the screening, my ex’s relative invited us all to an impromptu house party, and he wanted to go to that. So after much discussion I told him to go, and we’d go to the cinema. He got home about 20 mins after we did and was so rat-arsed, and was banging on about me always putting the kids before him. There was no talking to him at all, and it escalated into him hitting me. FWIW: he genuinely thought that disappointing three kids so he could go and get black-out drunk was “putting the kids before” him. He wasn’t an alcoholic – more of a binge drinker. Oh, and they weren’t his kids.

   But I regretted it for very selfish reasons. We were good in bed together, we had the same sense of humour, similar financial goals, etc etc, but there are some things you just cannot excuse or tolerate. I regretted it because I missed the relationship we’d had before that, and who I thought that man was before. I thought he was as gentle as a lamb for over 10 years and that I’d found my person. I thought he clearly understood and empathised with my experiences of relationships prior to him, only for him to turn around after 10 years and do that — and all in front of my kids, who were incredibly upset and frightened.

   Thinking back, there were other, smaller, warning signs during the months leading up to that night, and if we’d had access to reddit or other message boards, I’d have probably posted to ask for advice about them before it went nuclear, and I’m not even kidding. I love how we can crowd-source advice nowadays.

   For a long while after we split up, I’d find myself looking at or hearing something funny and wondering what he thought about the thing, and I’d get grief hitting me all over again.

2. I found out he was cheating on me. after ten years of marriage.

   we decided to stay roommates for six months, he lived upstairs, I was downstairs and we would coparent the two kiddos and keep life normal. no dating or seeing other people, because we were still married.

   a couple weeks later, a neighbor sent me his tinder profile. I found out he was on reddit, all over local hookup sites. I filed for divorce and moved out.

   my heart was broken. I was having multiple daily panic attacks. we shared time with the kids, but I missed my home, my family, my life. I was crumbling. I had to drop out of university. my life just stopped. I regretted filing for divorce.

   I begged him for another chance. I did. lol

   we didn’t haven’t to get into a “relationship” but I needed him and I to be *exclusive*

   he didn’t last a week. slept with someone else, and gave me an std.

   I postponed our divorce twice, because he couldn’t afford child support.

   and I kept giving him more chances. lol. wtf. we started couples counseling. we started individual therapy. he started 12 step for sex addicts. and maybe I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.

   but he kept lying to me. he couldn’t stop cheating on me. and after *almost a year of this* it clicked – he just didn’t respect me. he quit couples counseling, 12-step, therapy. he lost another job. I put the divorce back on.

   so then he told me he was polyamorous, which was just a strange way to cover up for everything he was doing. I told him he can’t be polyamorous if you’re not in a poly relationship lol. it’s not like being gay or bi. I told him he was just cheating. or dating. or sleeping around.

   i’ll be divorced by the end of the year. and i’m finally respecting MYSELF.