My husband and I (both 43y) have been together for 20yrs, married for 10. We have a 5yo and a 1yo together. Aside from the first few years, our relationship has been tough. Before having kids his drinking habits drove a wedge between us and wore me down. He’d stay out until 4am regularly getting black-out drunk, not answer my texts or calls, and I’d worry he wouldn’t make it home. There’s a history of him cheating, which wasn’t uncovered until I was 7 months pregnant with our first child. A year or 2 later after constant fighting about sex, I agreed to open the marriage as a last resort. Regular sex was not satisfying his needs. He needed to have variety and group sex. He has said it’s his orientation. I have never had sex outside the marriage or have wanted to without him, so the open marriage was one sided. I wanted to explore swinging together back when our sexual relationship felt strong and safe, but it slowly deteriorated over time. Today, I couldn’t imagine anything more awkward than swinging. I feel awkward just having sex with him, my husband, at this point. I have major feelings of inadequacy, and I’ve lost confidence sexually and in general. Because of all the fights we had over sex in the past I requested he stop talking and pressuring me about it a few years back when we opened the marriage. Since then he’s been even more platonic towards me which has reinforced my insecurities. It’s up to me to initiate sex now, and when I have, although he says it does, I get the feeling it doesn’t do anything for him. The open marriage has basically been closed since having our younger baby, and he’s super frustrated because of it. He’s constantly irritable towards me, and he says it’s my problem if I can’t deal with his angry tone. I’ve been craving love and affection, and an emotional connection, which he says he can’t do anything about. I don’t have close friends and I’m not close with my family. Having a baby at 43 years old, (while magical and heart opening) has been isolating, along with the struggles in my marriage.
The positives: he’s a great father, he loves our children, he says he’s committed to me. He’s very smart, very social, and the guy everyone wants to be around; why I fell in love with him in the first place. He contributes evenly with the household and kids while excelling at his career. He’s attractive and in great shape. In all these ways I couldn’t ask for more in a husband.
Sharing my story because outside of therapy, I’ve been suffering privately for so long. I know I’ve made the mistake of not advocating for myself. I know I haven’t been the exciting, interesting, and fun, person I once was. So for that, I guess I don’t completely blame him for what appears to me as a general loss of interest. I wish I could “buck up” and magically return to my old self and not care about all this stuff. We’re alive, healthy, have beautiful amazing kids. Is it possible to focus on the good?