tl;dr My boyfriend isn’t reciprocating my love language and i feel like i am accepting too little from him and should either confront him or move on.
So my boyfriend (21 M) and I (21 F) have been dating for 2 and a half years. He gives me reassurance, talks through problems with me, gives me tons of positive/ romantic words of affirmation, cooks me dinner, buys me food, has put in effort for big events like birthdays and anniversaries, is respectful towards/ in front of family and friends.. the list goes on. We have had our moments in the past (huge arguments), but we still have chosen each other. We are each other’s first long term, serious relationship. I love him a lot but I feel like something is missing or a lack of effort on his end. I keep seeing videos online of boyfriends WILLINGLY giving their girlfriends love notes, breakfast in bed, small surprises like picnics or planned out date nights and it makes me wish that i had that. My love language is gift giving (notes, love letters, a small flower picked from the ground.. things like that nothing expensive) and i’ve voiced this to my boyfriend many times. He has improved on giving me these things but it’s not consistent, just every now and then. I think it makes me more sad that he doesn’t want to WILLINGLY do these for me consistently bc it’s how i receive love. I also feel like i’m not giving him enough credit and seeing the other things he does for me but i don’t know. Any advice on how i should approach this situation?
5 comments
He sounds like a really good guy to me. He does pay for nice dinners and makes food for you, etc. So it may be that he believes he’s meeting your needs. TBH, it kind of seems like you’re looking for problems. There aren’t all that many partners who treat their partners as well as he seems to be treating you, unless I’m missing something here.
Relationships are never perfect. You appear to have a good one. The way you get him to do the things you like, is to positively reinforce the behavior you are looking for. Yea it’s like giving a dog a treat when it does the trick you want. Seriously, it’s the same principle.
Just keep reminding him what you want and giving him a “*treat*” he likes when he gives you what you want.
Looking at your post history you have a lot of problems with your bf, and him not giving you enough gifts is really the least serious of all. I second what others already mentioned: You seem to be looking for ways out of this relationship, and this post just sounds like trying to find an excuse.
I’m not sure if this relationship has a future, but I can sense that you have serious doubts. My only two cents: You don’t need an excuse to end a relationship. Not feeling loved is enough.
I don’t think someone should ever “confront” their partner, unless it’s to expose immoral, illegal, or unhealthy behavior. If your partner isn’t giving you what you want, then work with them to fix that — don’t confront them. If you don’t have the patience to communicate and allow them to work on it, move on. If they don’t have the patience to listen and put in the effort, move on. If a discussion and a few honest tries reveal there to be an incompatibility, you should both move on.
Out of curiosity: how often do you do those things for him? Write love letters, plan picnics, make breakfast in bed? Maybe give it a try and he’ll realize how nice it is and want to do it in return.
He does a lot for you already, no one is perfect. Ask your self what you bring to the table for him. Sounds like a very selfish post.