I know from the title it sounds bizarre but hear me out.
I 31M have been with my wife 30F for 5 years and we’ve got two kids (3 and 1.5 years old). For the first year of our relationship, we had frequently sex and after that, my drive kinda dwindled and it went from a daily thing to a weekly, more or less. I’ve never had that big of a drive and my partner has a very high drive plus I’m very vanilla vs her being more exploring (which I absolutely don’t mind, I just don’t think about trying new stuff regularly). We have talked about this ever since our second year together until now and for a period (think a couple months) sex has increased but went back down again. I do desire my wife and love her with everything I feel inside of me, so it’s not a case of “she’s ugly now” – I just don’t have a big drive naturally. The low sex drive has been a challenge even before kids, so that period (and still a bit) obviously doesn’t help but I’m not going to excuse the kids demanding a lot of us for my low drive.
My wife and I are great at communicating together with directness and honesty. We have always been on the same page with directly talking about “a relationship shouldn’t be open, if you desire other people, you end the relationship and go seek it”.
So now we are here, where she feels her sexual needs aren’t met through the relationship (I don’t disagree), she also feels “terrified” of the thought of only having one partner rest of life and now wants to feel “free and desire” in order to reignite our relationship. She has also added it could also ”just” be kissing, and not anything more.
We don’t want our relationship to end because we still love each other with every other regard other than the intimacy not matching each other. We’ve agreed to never split up while the kids are small for their sake, as we can still be parents together (which is all we’ve been for the last month, really). I also know that I would most likely be lighting myself on fire in order to keep everyone warm with an open relationship and I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
I’m not really comfortable with the thought of an open relationship and any way you put it (break for a period, only kissing etc) is something I feel terrible about.
My question: Has anyone ever experienced something similar or maybe been against open relationship but been OK with it after they’ve tried it?
TLDR: wife wants open marriage in order to save/rebuild our chemistry, I dont feel comfortable with the thought of open relationship.
UPDATE EDIT:
Alright this blew up more than I imagined. I’ve gotten a lot of great comments and DMs, which I thank you all for. We are putting the kids to bed now, so when they sleep we’ll talk more about this – I am though 100% certain that it’s either stay together and work together towards a greater life or divorce.
Obviously, there’s a lot more to this between the lines than what I’ve written, but nothing tells me she has “guys lined up and ready” or “just wants an easy out of the relationship”. It’s a tricky and tough situation, but she is not a person with malicious intent with this proposal, even though it suck’s. It’s not a bomb that just has been dropped, we have briefly discussed this previously (3-4 months ago).
I do agree that it’s ridiculous to think adding more intimacy in her part with other people will increase it in-house. And I absolutely think it’s stupid of me to not have my hormones and blood checked, I haven’t really thought of that so thanks for all the nudges.
I will add that my wife isn’t a monster in wanting this, I am of course devastated it’s this route she chose, but ultimately I haven’t been meeting her and it’s not news she wants more. I take responsibility for the past (lack of) actions but I won’t torpedo my own happiness and sanity.