I (21F) just became the guardian to my sister (16F)

23 comments

1. Well you can’t take her in and then say actually no I can’t do this. You’re going to have to adapt. But let me just say you did an amazing thing by taking her in and I’m sorry you both went through that with your mother.

2. I grew up in foster care with my sisters and when I was about 23 after my partner of 4 years left and I was at my end, the ministry asked if I’d adopt my 16yr old sister. She had suicidal tendencies (minor), self harm issues, mental health and had been in a psych ward for help. Nothing could ever help her abandonment issues, no matter how hard I tried. I was stuck between a parent/friend and sister role and I hadn’t even adopted her. That was just us growing up. I felt it was my job to adopt her if though. I was her big sister and if not me, who? Maybe I could help her. What sister would I be if I didn’t. But I didn’t. Some close family made it clear to me that there was nothing I could do to save her from certain things. To fix them. Even trained professionals or other adults with years of experience, couldn’t. So how could I? You are loving her the most by not taking her in. It will in the end, ruin your relationship if you do. Or it will never be the same. And you’ll no longer be just her sister but a parental role. She’ll confide in you less, possibly resent you for making choices a parent would when you’re not her parent etc. It’s scary and hard to do in not adopting her but it’s not on you. ❤️

3. You need to tell her to follow your rules, or she will be in the system. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm.

   Both of you need therapy.

   ((HUGS))

4. Maybe it’s time to have a serious sit down with your sister and explain that if she isn’t going to be cooperative with you then you may not be able to continue the current living situation. Hopefully that will wake her up!

5. Do you have a case worker at Children’s Aid? Maybe you could call them and ask for some help?

6. Have you set rules or is it you’re just trying to let her go with the flow, because you can’t have it both ways.

   It sounds like you’re trying to parent her without actually setting down the ground rules. Eg, certain level of communication of where she’s at and when she’s back with a promise to stick to what she says. I understand its hard to change your current relationship and it doesn’t have to change too much. You both need therapy desperately.

   If its too much for you, you can even ask her if she’d be willing to get a job to contribute (I wouldn’t say a lot, but just to teach her money handling, how to prioritise money) and say by doing that she’ll get more freedom to do what she would rather do. That way you can also keep the sort of relationship you’re hoping to continue and she can keep the space space she wants.

   I did it with my parents, I felt like a lot of the house rules were too strict for me at 16, so I got a job and gave my parents £50 a month, I still had rules but the rules were a lot more relaxed and I gained knowledge on how to prioritise my money towards rent/bills and I gained a lot more freedom to do my own thing

   I see a lot of people telling you to give an ultimatum to her, I say that’s a bit too cruel. She’s just been taken put of her home ajd you’ve offered a safe and somewhat stable environment

7. You can’t do this by yourself. Both of you have major issues to deal with and you will need at least a counselor at least a couple of times a week to act as a guide and referee for you and your sister. Parenting a teen is a handful even for an older person with a settled life. It’s a big job and it’s actually unfair to expect you to do it.

   Good luck to both of you and try to work back to a healthy center of things.

8. Did you two have a talk about everything you both went through when she moved in or ever? She’s 16 and been through a lot just like you (21 is still hella young). A conversation about everything and rounding it out with a talk about foster care and what you didn’t want her to go through with that may help the situation. (I lived with my oldest brother and his fiancé for like 2 months at 16 before I went back to my parents, it was under very different circumstances. The conversation we had when I moved in really helped me become more responsible than I had been during the time of living with him.)

   Also, I don’t have too much experience with this kind of thing, probably depends on where you live, but doesn’t childrens aid do check ins?? If yes make sure she understands you don’t want to lose her to the system so certain rules need to be followed till she’s 18 or out of school.

   If you can as well, look into therapy, maybe even together, to deal with the abuse you both went through.

   16 may be a child but I’m sure having a deep talk and opening up about the situation will really help especially if you have a good relationship. Your mother couldn’t do her job, so no matter who she lives with there’s some sped up maturing she needs to do.

   Hopefully it goes well, it’s a tough adjustment but they can place her under someone else’s care if it’s needed. It won’t make you a bad person if you need to do that and if she’s not willing to work with you you don’t have a choice. You have to take care of yourself as well.

   Hopefully it works out! Wishing you the best!

9. Is the only reason you took your sister in for the money? Like…you didn’t think this through at all?

10. She is old enough that you need to have a conversation. Tell her that she needs to help you and go to school, keep you informed where she is, etc. Make a list and write it down for her of rules and expectations. Be honest that you want to do what is best for her and are trying hard, but if she doesn’t behave, she will have to go to state care and that’s a very bad deal for her.

11. Sounds like you need to contact Child aid for more support. You should have a frank discussion with your sister about expectations. Will she be removed from your care if she misses a number of days of school? Can you do nightly check ins so that you know she’s safe?

    She’s 16 so it’s a bit late for laying down the law but maybe just ensuring that she has a safe place to sleep and access to food is all you need to do right now.

12. I agree with other posters that a sit down talk to say that whilst you are an adult you are struggling with this. That you are offering her a place to live that isn’t a group home. That the agency will monitor her attendance at school and take her into care if they get the idea that it isn’t working out and that is her responsibility side because you are not her parent, you just want her to have a stable place to live.

    If that is what she wants then she has to make a decision to work out some rules between you so that she helps you manage this together or it isn’t going to work out. Be honest that you are not sure you can do this, you are struggling with looking after yourself and feel that you are doing yourself and her a disservice and finding this very hard to manage with your own problems that already exist that you are just about managing to live and this feels like you are failing both you and her. You did not realise what it would be like having someone else living with you that you have to look after as well as yourself. Make sure you say that this isn’t in any way personal about her, it would be the same with anyone.

    Work out what she needs from you and if you can do it. If you cannot do this without it being super stressful then explain that you don’t have the capacity mentally to handle the extra worries of where she is and what she is doing as you just don’t have the time or energy with a full time job and school.

    This isn’t about her or you, it is about limits and you are at yours. You only have so much energy and you are overdrawn right now with no break in sight.

13. Even people who have parented a child from infancy struggle with parenting a teen. And most of those people are fully developed adults, who aren’t also struggling with trauma (and usually their teens aren’t traumatised either).

    So I’d suggest the first thing you do is sort out some therapy for yourself and your sister. You both need support to recover from your mum, and you both need support to figure out what your relationship is now.

    I’d highly recommend getting a copy of “The Explosive Child”, it’s by far one of the most informative, practical and useful parenting books I’ve read. https://drrossgreene.com/the-explosive-child.htm

    I know people in this thread are telling you to “lay down the law” and to set ultimatums. That works with some kids. It’s a lot less likely to work with your sister. You want to avoid creating a power struggle if you can, a teamwork approach is much more effective.

    That book will teach you how to use collaborative problem solving methods with your sister, so you can set boundaries and build a healthy home. It’s very difficult to have authority over another person in a healthy way, especially when you haven’t had a healthy role model.

    Also take some time to watch Patrick Teahan’s videos on YouTube: https://youtube.com/channel/UCbWvYupGqq3aMJ6LsG4q-Yg
    They’re amazingly helpful for understanding dysfunctional family systems. There’s a good chance that a lot of what you see as “normal” actually isn’t.

    You also need to communicate with your sister’s case worker, and utilise any support services that children’s aid have available to you. Often there’s counseling, therapy, respite etc. They may be able to put you in touch with other people in the same situation as you, so you have some social support from people who truly understand what you’re going through.
    Do you have any other family support?

    Good luck xx

14. it might be normal for some teens, but it doesn’t have to be. she’s old enough to be considerate for you. she is just choosing not to be.

    not that you can change it but what I mean is, don’t just chalk it up to being a teen and giving it a pass.

    let her know the alternative options and if she doesn’t give you more consideration, the choice will be hers on what she’s doing. Meaning for example, that she might end up in foster care or in group homes, etc

15. If it feels like too much then you should conserve your strength and pick your fights wisely. Try to figure out what the really important stuff is and deal primarily with that. A lot of people who haven’t raised a child before tend to be unnecessarily strict. Then with the second child they’ve figured out what issues they can be more relaxed with. So deal with the necessary stuff first and whenever you have energy left over you can deal with more.

    You got this, parents tend to question themselves a lot, it’s normal. Whatever your mistakes and limits, you’re offering your sister something better than your mom.

16. at 16 she is old enough to understand the consequences of her actions. sit down with her and talk to her like you would any other adult.

    Tell her you are burnt out and as things go right now you feel you are not a suitable guardian for her. maybe she needs something from you you can’t give. Tell her at her age she should be getting up herself and going to school, making her own lunch, doing her own homework. ask her if she feels she would be better off with other people, because if she wants to stay with you then she needs to pull her own weight in this.

    Both of you should be in trauma therapy and maybe even a social worker be assigned to help you out.

    You need to build your village.

    Either way, there are no right or wrong answers here. She is making choices and she has to live with them.

17. One piece at a time.

    You’ll overload yourself if you try and do everything at once.

    Decide where you would like to be and if supporting your sister is feasible. Take some time and write your thoughts down. If you don’t know how to start, then just write the first thoughts that come to mind. Roll from there, a plan will slowly take form.

    It will not be easy to make the decision. And initially, you’ll not feel great. But at least it will help you progress into a better state of mind.

    Making decisions while in a stressed situation is not fun. After many deployments, that has become readily apparent to me. And I get it, I want to see the best for my family as well. But you’ll need to be able to help yourself before you can help others. You can attempt to help both of you at the same time, but it will not be easy.

    Send some DMs to folks, you’ve already taken the first step in asking for help.

18. Call her caseworker and tell them that you can’t handle it.

    Please do not feel bad. Or have anyone make you feel bad that you cannot deal with this task.

    I’m a foster parent and it’s extremely taxing to take on care of another person.

19. Also you can still be a resource even if she isn’t in your home and you’re her main caretaker. You could just be her sister and let her hang out and let someone else be her legal guardian/parental figure.

20. After everything you two have been through, you both need individual therapy, as well as joint/family therapy. It is normal for teens to be rebellious, try not to take it personally. However yes you need to have boundaries & rules that she must respect. Healing IS possible for both of you, I’m sorry to say you’re going to have to work at it though. This is a wonderful thing you’re doing for your sister & I wish you both every happiness in life.

21. OP, You have to be able to care for yourself. This isnt a question of ‘do you love her or not.’ Of course you do. And if it was simply an issue of ‘just talk to her and tell her what’s at stake, so she will snap out of it!’ well, Hell! Your sister would no doubt have been well on her way to becoming the Perfect Child by now. Recovering from long-term parental abuse and neglect is wicked hard, and you from the sounds of it are right now barely treading water. That you have found parenting your sister to be overwhelming is not a failing on your part, and it doesn’t make you a bad person in any way! It shows that you love her enough to try to provide to stability that neither one of you had while growing up. The thing that we aren’t told is that love isnt always enough. Simply loving a person is not enough to make up for years and years of dysfunction and pain. Its also extremely difficult to create a healthy home, with all that entails such as realistic goals and healthy boundaries when we never had that modeled for us while growing up! As parents (even the least dysfunctional among us) we all get to a point where we have to accept that our children are going to make choices that we don’t approve of or understand, and we pray that our kids survive their mistakes.

    You cannot sacrifice yourself and your life in the interests of raising your sister. For anyone to say to you “Well, you said you would do it, so now you have to” is absurd. Gritting your teeth and continuing on as you suffer will benefit neither one of you. Again, this isnt a question of love. It is a question of how do you parent your sister when you are actually trying to heal from the abuse yourself?
    One option is to contact Social Services and tell them that you need actual hands-on support. Family Counseling, Respite Care and One on One Counseling for both yourself and your sister. Let them know that you also need help with parenting skills. As a former foster mother i know that it can be very overwhelming, and OP I was substantially older than you, with hella more support. Taking this role on is not for the faint of heart.

    Your other option is to contact Social Services and tell them the situation. Your sister isnt a monster. She is a young woman who has endured a lifetime of abuse and neglect just as you have. That doesn’t mean that you should take her in, it just means that you both have quite a lot of ‘stuff’ to unpack, and that right now you are not the best person to raise her up. Nobody needs to be painted as the bad guy, because nobody really is.
    Whatever your choice, OP I hope that you know deep down in your heart that you are not doing anything wrong. You are NOT responsible for this situation. You are NOT responsible for your sisters pain, or for her actions. You are Not a failure, nor are you abandoning your sister to some dire fate. You are simply being realistic to the situation as it now stands.
    Be well.

22. “I will make sure you have a roof over your head and food to eat. I will help you with anything that’s in my power to do. But you need to follow basic rules, like a time to be home and letting me know where you go. We need to work together to get through this. If you continue to break the rules, for my own mental health, I will have to relinquish custody, which I don’t want to do.”

23. I commend you so much for being strong enough to even take on the role in the first place. That says so much about you. However, everyone is right, you can’t damage your own well-being for her if she isn’t willing to grow up and help herself a little, and maybe this is difficult for her because of the abuse from your mother. But she is not that much younger than you and should be able to see you’re going through the same thing and can look to you for help not as working against her. These things can be difficult to communicate when the other person is hearing it differently than you’re saying it but that’s where therapy can help too if she isn’t getting it the way you’re explaining it to her. I wish the best for both of you and again praise you for how strong you’ve been thus far. Keep pushing ♥️