Throwaway acc.
We met online, played games together and eventually realised we both like each other, things became romantic and we’d sext almost every night. Fast forward 2 months and I flew to a different state to meet him. It was great. I was there almost every second weekend and eventually I moved to be with him permanently.
Our relationship is amazing for the most part, we have similar goals, interests and hobbies. He’s an extremely caring, emotional and bubbly guy. Although the age gap is big for our age, it works. I moved out of home young (17) and he still lives at home, I like to think it balances the age gap a bit with the difference in life experience. The one thing that irks me is his lack of sex drive.
I went through a rough childhood and was left with some trauma. I didn’t enjoy sex until I met my last partner and I believe it’s due to that. Since then it’s been great. I enjoy it and now I’ve finally been okay with it my current boyfriend just doesn’t seem interested.
I couldn’t wrap my head around it because the first few months were great. I was satisfied and the sex was regular and healthy but he struggled with ED (which I was more then supportive about). Eventually it fizzled out completely and I mentioned to him that I’m unsatisfied and can’t understand why he isn’t interested.
He broke down crying and told me it’s because of something his ex said to him 7 years ago and the ED so I reassured him and told him I’ll help support him but it’s also hard for me too because I feel rejected and unwanted sexually
Things were better for a few weeks. Then after a month or 2 I brought it up again, this time I mentioned that maybe watching porn/jerking off is causing some issues and suggested he stop. He told me he would, I noticed a massive difference with his performance and again things were better for a few weeks and then they weren’t.
I left it, but I couldn’t figure out why he isn’t interested with me. He’s told me in the past he used to speak to a lot of women online and send sexually explicit things to each other, his sex drive went from 100 to 0 and now I just feel like it’s my body.
I ended up suggesting getting therapy and talking to someone about what his ex said and why it’s impacting him so badly 7 years on but he wasn’t interested.
I’ve just been dealing with it but now I’m starting to get really anxious that it’s me that’s the problem. Although having sex isn’t the end of the world I do feel it’s really important for me in a relationship and brings us closer. I do have toys but they never match the emotional component.
I’ve had this issue before with my ex and one day after trying to initiate sex with him unsuccessfully I caught him jerking off in the bathroom. I feel paranoid that my current partner is doing that now
TLDR: boyfriend was once very sexually active now barely touches me
6 comments
99% likely that he didn’t stop watching porn.
I don’t think it’s you and you shouldn’t think it’s you. It’s likely him watching so much porn/jerking off that he can’t get off without it and that’s causing ED
You’ve pretty much exhausted every avenue you have. You’ve talked to him about it, repeatedly, and nothing you’ve said has made lasting change.
So since you know now that nothing you say is going to fix things for more than a week, what are you going to do? Are you really content to be in a sexless relationship at 22? You say sex isn’t everything, but relationships break over sexual compatibility all the time. You deserve to feel satisfied, and you’re not.
You moved cities for this guy; the least he can do is see a medical doctor to rule out physical problems and then see a therapist. My money is on a porn habit you haven’t uncovered yet; in other words, it’s *him* and not you.
Also 30 year old dating a 22 year old…women his age wouldn’t put up with this.
Based on what you’ve written sounds like he’s a decent guy, other than the issues with the sex life. You mentioned that he is bubbly and you enjoy his personality, and even called the relationship amazing, so it does sound to me like it’s a satisfying and healthy relationship in almost all aspects, except this one.
I don’t think it’s time to consider ending the relationship yet, have you tried going to a couples therapist together? He may have some serious insecurities and/or addictions that he may be too afraid to admit to himself.
Alternatively, you could also have him visit a medical doctor and talk about these issues.
Those are the two avenues that I would recommend as they seem the most reasonable given what you said about the relationship already.
I bet he’s addicted to porn