Sorry if this isn’t the right place for this advice. I just don’t want to bring this up with friends and family, and don’t know who to talk to besides my therapist. I am getting a divorce because my husband fell out of love with me, but it’s making me realize some really messed up parts of our marriage. Especially regarding s*x.
Things we both agree on and have discussed in therapy:
he would become irate any time I didn’t want to have s*x. When I say irate, I mean put holes in the walls level angry. He would throw stuff at our dog. I had to barricade myself and our dogs in our room multiple times when he was going off. I was in medical school and had to barricade the door, put headphones in, and get into studying trying to ignore it. This became almost routine.
the anger started the first time I denied s*x because I worked a ton that week and was exhausted. The anger happened every time I denied him after that.
He never physically hit me.when we tried to discuss it and how it made me feel, he would totally undermine my feelings saying he wants a wife that wants to f*** him.
Naturally, I started wanting s*x less and less
I started giving in when he initiated due fear, especially after things were thrown at the dogs. I had to dissociate every time. He admitted in therapy he knew I was dissociating but continued anyway
I started having panic attacks any time after. I’m sorry if reading this is a lot. The biggest compliment I get from people is my emotional intelligence but I feel like I totally cut that off not wanting to accept the person I loved more than anything was doing that to me. I never saw any signs before we were married. Dating was truly perfect. If I did see signs, clearly I would not have married him. I guess I am asking on here to know how bad is this, truly? I am now starting to feel like I was r*ped by my husband. For years. But he made me feel crazy for my emotions for so long, am I being crazy for feeling that way?
I really just need some blunt honesty right now. And to just… finally tell someone all of it. Even if it’s to strangers on the internet. I’ve never told anyone the full extent before. Just bits and pieces to our marriage counselor. Thanks for reading. And thank you even more for your responses.