This is a repost on my main reddit account since my last one was taken down by MODs as that account was too new.
For context, we met on Hinge in the end of September 2023 and were exclusive very soon into that. We became official in February 2024.
Hinge has always been a huge issue in our relationship, we agreed to delete it pretty early on. In December 2023, he went on a vacation with his friends and one of my friends sent me screenshots that her friend sent her of my boyfriend texting her on Hinge. I spoke to him and he ended up saying that his friends wanted to see what his Hinge was like since he had the most likes out of all of them, and they took his phone to text a whole bunch of girls. The content of the text is pretty disgusting and didn’t seem like it came from him, so I believed him. This entire thing kind of blew up because he told me he already deleted Hinge (account and app) prior to this trip- which clearly wasn’t true. He then agreed to fully delete it.
Last week, a different friend texted me with screenshots of my boyfriend’s profile, this time it was an updated profile, meaning that he had changed his photos from the time we had met. I confronted him and he told me he doesn’t know how people are still seeing his profile because he deleted everything in February after we became official. He admitted to updating his profile right before we became official in February just for ‘numbers’/likes…obviously things don’t make sense because he promised me he deleted everything in December after things blew up last time. He said he lied to me in December but truly deleted everything in February. I asked him how his photos changed and he said that he added them in February just because. He said he never spoke to any girls or interacted with them, and it was only for the ‘numbers’. I asked him if it was for validation and he said no. I asked him if the numbers made him feel good and he said yes. So it was for validation. Anyways, he came over and let me go through his phone and his Hinge really was gone. There was no way to access his profile and he seemed so genuine so I believed him.
I want to say that I made my choice to forgive him. If this happens again, I guess it is all my own fault for giving him another chance. But it has really destroyed my self worth and esteem. I keep asking myself why I wasn’t enough, or whether anything he said is the truth. He said he is willing to work hard to earn my trust back, and integrate me into his life to meet his friends and family (I met his family over the last couple of weeks prior to things blowing up). He also said he would make an effort to include me on his social media so I had a presence there as it would make me feel better. He has also contacted Hinge to get that phantom account taken down.
Now the real issue is his female friends. I’m a jealous person, but I would never control who my boyfriend can and cannot be friends with. I even have a whole bunch of close guy friends who I really value, and I would absolutely not be hypocritical and tell him he can’t have these friends. However, after the Hinge situation, I have been completely overthinking. He has this friend, I will call her Kate (21F) in this post. There are always notifications from her in his phone, and I always get a glimpse of it when we are together, so sometimes it’s even late at night like 11pm or 12am. He says he just talks to her about bouldering and stuff and even showed me their texts.
Their texts are wow. The amount of engagement and energy in it is amazing. It really reminds me of how him and I used to text in the early stages. It is very different from the way we text, which seems to have become very routine good mornings and I hope you have a wonderful day. We call at night so we usually just debrief all in one go. But I feel so incredibly insecure about how well they get along, and that they talk everyday. Even with my friends, I don’t talk to them everyday but each to their own. They will laugh together, make jokes and he can say stuff like “nobody knows me like you do”, or updates her if he’s feeling sick or thinks he is too sick to go to work. There’s just something oddly intimate about it. Obviously I also know when he is sick but this whole thing has me very worried. In the past, he did cut off another female friend that I was worried about, but I didn’t ask him to do it. But when I had this conversation about Kate with him last night, he basically said that they were just friends, and if him having female friends is something that I can’t handle, then maybe we weren’t right for each other. I think normally, I would just let it be and whatever, but after the whole Hinge thing, my insecurity has really blown through the roof. He says he doesn’t want to throw away his four-ish year friendship with her. I brought up the fact that we used to talk like that and now things have become dryer. He said it was fine and he still loved me but not everyone is a good texted and that we update each other by calling at the end of the day.
I love him, and I am trying to not be toxic about it. I don’t want him to have to lose friends just to be with me. I can’t help but feel like maybe he has to look for validation externally, and I can’t help but feel insecure when all his female friends are so smart and beautiful and so fun for him to talk to. We are trying to make it work and I know he is trying to reassure me. I don’t want to break up or leave him, I just want to know your opinions and how I can work on myself. Thank you
I am aware I need to work on my insecurity and self esteem.