A year ago I lost my father to cancer. I took care of him while brothers worked in different country for 3 years of terminal illness and hospice care. In the end I missed a bedsore which led to sever infection and he passed away. I didn know at that period that I have taken that as a personal failure and developed shame and guilt. Joining a support group helped me through it.
During the last year I pushed away anyone who wanted to help. I wanted their company so badly but isolated myself by moving into different city and not answering call.
I didn return many calls from my brothers and spoke to them very minimal. I feel selfish and disappointed for not checking on them. They lost a parent too and we lost our mom when we were teenagers. I broke contact with amazing male friend because he wanted date and also take care of me. He stayed for few months helping me out to talk about what I was going through but I broke his heart by saying we are not compatible and stopped talking to him.
Now, I want to apologize and get back to them but dont know if it’s fair to ask for their companionship after dismissing them for a year. I keep wondering if they will see me as self victimizing If I tell them about my mental health struggle. I have no strength to make new friends and little hope that they will understand me either. I don’t know what I bring to table in those relationship and asking for companionship seems very self centric. So confused what to do now. Looking for suggestions on what would be respectful way to reach out to them? I want to take accountability of my action but dont know how exactly to communicate it either.
Tl:Dr After isolating from family and friends post dad’s death. I want to reconnect with them and looking at ways of doing it respectfully and taking accountability of my actions.
6 comments
I did the same. It’s amazing to not be locked down to frivolous relationships that would have never mattered.
First, I’m sorry for your loss. It’s extremely difficult to care for a dying parent and you managed to do so for three long years.
Be honest to your brother and your friends about what happened after your father passed. Tell them what you described here: that you went through a rough period where you saw his death as a personal failure and that you held onto the shame and guilt of that event. Tell them about how you felt selfish and disappointed for not checking in on them and apologize for that. Tell them the steps you’ve been taking to heal, and what you will continue to do to heal (I hope you continue going to support groups if they’ve been helpful!).
Life is incredibly difficult sometimes and what you went through is objectively horrible. I think your friends and family will be able to see how much you struggled and forgive you. Believe that your friendship is valuable – we’re humans and we need companionship to survive!
Good luck! I hope things work out for you!
Your brothers are perhaps easier than the friend. Instigating a new relationship after the death of a parent is kind of skeevy ngl, but perhaps you had more history there to make it less “get them while they’re down?”/opportunistic.
Everyone mourns in their own way. Send your brothers a text message or email asking to talk. Front load your apology for not contacting them. “Hey, it’s me, I’m so sorry for dropping off the planet the past year. I was really struggling with dad’s death and I couldn’t handle it. I’m sorry I pushed you two away when you may have needed me and when I may have needed you. Could we please meet to talk this week?” They’re your family, be honest. Then let them react. They may be angry you left or sad you couldn’t lean on them.. They may have felt betrayed. But you did what you thought you needed to do at the time and you did what you thought was best for you. It still may have hurt them, but your past actions can’t be changed and it was what you thought was best for YOU at the time. You deserve to mourn in your own way.
For the dude, like, eh? Still skeeved, but if you’re interested, text them that you’re in town and wanted to grab a drink and talk if they woukd like to join you. He’s probably moved on, which is very fair.
grief and relationships are super complicated. mourning can be a long, complicated and lonely process. adding in other people’s needs and emotions makes it feel nearly impossible at times, whether it be familial, romantic, or platonic.
whether you isolated as a coping mechanism, or isolated because you simply felt unable to provide for other people while you’re trying to survive, just know this isn’t uncommon.
i am sure that your brother and loved ones will understand and be forgiving of how you’ve processed this. i would reach out and maybe have a discussion addressing concerns if you see fit. my brother and i handled our fathers death in very different ways and it does sometimes come to a head but at the end of the day we will always be there for each other.
sending you peace.
I’m glad that you found support group that’s helped you. I hope you’ve gotten through that stage of blaming yourself or questioning what you could have done differently. In case those thoughts ever pop again though, I just wanted to share a story with you.
My mom passed away in 2018 after 2-3 years of many different health issues (cancer, heart failure, kidney failure, countless infections). She was retired but had worked as a nurse for over 30 years. My dad, who was her primary caretaker through all of this was also a retired nurse with over 30 years of experience. They were both very intelligent, experienced, skilled medical professionals. Exactly the type of people you would want caring for yourself or a loved one.
In the last year or so my Mom was sick enough that she wasn’t really much of a participant in her care, so my Dad was fully running the show. The longer it went on, he started to become less and less aware of changes in her general health and specific conditions. He was just so incredibly absorbed in the whole situation and overwhelmed and exhausted that he literally could not see things happening right in front of him. He felt very guilty after she died, and that’s improved but I suspect there’s a part of him that still feels that way.
It’s clear with hindsight that he kept my Mom alive much longer than she otherwise would have been by sheer force of will. My dad is not a failure as a caretaker, and neither were you. The ugly grind of watching his wife wither away and the exhaustion of being a 24/7 nurse wore him down completely. I’m sure you had a roughly similar experience in terms of exhaustion and grief so please don’t carry around guilt over the loss of your dad. After everything you’ve been through that’s the last thing you deserve.
I wish you the best of luck in reconnecting with your family and friends, you certainly deserve a second chance given the context of what you were going through. If, in the meantime, you need to vent to someone who understands what you’ve gone through, my dm’s are open, feel free to message me.
You have nothing to feel guilty about tbh. You did what you needed to do to heal, and now you’re in a better place to reach out.
I would just call your brothers and rip the band aid off. It’s gonna be awkward and maybe a little painful, but I’d be honest with them: I’m sorry if I wasn’t there for them, but I was overwhelmed with my own grief and not able to be supportive to others. That I’d like to (come visit, set some time to catch up regularly and rebuild now that I’m feeling better able to handle things, whatever you want).
If they are mad, the best you can do is “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to help, but I was on the verge of collapse. I was hoping we could treat each other with empathy for the loss we’ve all suffered and move on, but I can see you’re still healing. Please reach out if you’d like to work toward rebuilding our relationship, but if you’re not ready I’m not going to push.”
For the guy that wanted to date you—has anything changed? Because rejecting someone when you’re not interested in dating isn’t cruel, it’s the right thing to do. If you are lonely and want friends, i would make new friends, not try to dig things up with the guy who was trying to date you while you were grieving.
ETA: it sounds like you see it as your job to take care of others, whether it’s your dad’s health or the feelings of everyone around you. You need to learn to take care of yourself first, and make sure you’re happy and healthy enough to stand on your own. Not being able to support others, and focusing on yourself, is absolutely not a crime or a fault with you. If the people in your life expect you to sacrifice for them as a baseline, then that sounds unhealthy on their part, not yours.