I have no boyfriend. I’m 29 and thankfully don’t look my age so I feel like I have time but in reality I don’t.. I’m still at university, work part time and I’m stuck providing for my mother. Not only providing but also cooking for her because she refuses to and doesn’t know how to cook. (My granny cooked for us and mom always fried packaged foods for us) i also apply for jobs for my mom because she can’t use a smartphone. I also have to give her money to go for interview, money to print her resume and do job searching and money for her to go to work everyday. On top of it all, I have to rush her out the door so they she’s not late and I am exhausted. I’m depressed and cannot even study because of all the responsibilities I have.
My mother is an adult but knows nothing, not even how to cook and not even what groceries to buy. I have to make a list of what to buy. All my savings is going towards the electricity bill and i started crying about it because after you have spent a certain amount on electricity then you are charged double. Its super expensive and the electricity credits finish faster. I don’t know if you understand it but every cent I saved is now going towards buying electricity and its a waste because you get half the electricity that you normally do. I told my mom to go and find work and she only applies at 3 places or the same places.
I have no support and all I do is cry. I needed my savings. My mother asked me bus fare monies to claim money from the unemployment office then said she’s overslept and could not go. Next excuse again….overslept and today’s excuse was its raining. I earn peanuts and cannot move right now. Everyone’s moving forward in life and I’m stuck at home living in a ghetto with a mother who don’t support me, cook for me or want to work.
My mother loves freebies so much that she stands in the line to fetch food meant for the very poor just because she’s too lazy to cook. Although we are poor, I believe the food was meant for those who do not have food inside their homes and we have the groceries but nobody wants to cook it. I usually cook all the time but I’m busy with exams so I just eat popcorn or noodles most of the time because I try to use all my free time for studying. I feel that nobody will marry me knowing that I’m providing for my mother because honestly I wouldn’t marry a man providing for his family members who are able to work as they are fit and healthy whether they are your mom or not because I would need him to contribute to our household.
My mom’s so fit she prefers to walk 40 minutes to the supermarket than taking an uber. All these years she made an excuse that she works and that’s why she don’t cook so I showed her how I worked a full time job and came home to cook but unfortunately since studying I don’t have so much time and now that she’s home doing nothing….she has no excuse to not cook and all the dishes are dirty and hoarded on the table. I left it as it is because I’m seriously not going to do the dishes as well.
She sits on her phone all day, reads, sleeps or pretends to be busy. She doesn’t cook food unless I remind her to. I have to tell her every week that it’s her turn and it annoys me every time she comes in to ask how much spice she must add or how much salt. I haven’t been able to study 2 weeks due to all this burdens and I feel like giving up. We have absolutely no family. They all live their own lives and i cannot bother them with my problems.
How does one deal with this? I don’t see myself doing this for the next 6 months as I won’t earn enough to move anytime soon, even after graduating. Im graduating end of year.
37 comments
Do you see this in any way ending up positively?
Do you see that magically by you taking care of her, she’ll suddenly come to her senses?
Or do you see this for what it is – you attempting to save someone from drowning, as they punch you and bite you every time you come close.
This will end badly. How badly depends on it ending because you become in an utterly fucked financial situation and you both drown, or badly because you’ll finally see this for what it is, save yourself, and let her complain about how “terrible you are for leaving her”.
So who will drown here, you both, or just her? She’s going to drown regardless.
You’ll get more input if you make paragraphs. That wall of text is hard to read.
But bottom line. Just stop. Stop helping and giving her money. Your enabling her.
That saying on airplanes applies to our lives- make sure you put on YOUR oxygen mask first before assisting others.
I’m so sorry you have this burden, you sound like a wonderful loving daughter. It sounds like your mother has some level of depression, it’s something a doctor can help her get treated for. In the current state she’s in, she won’t magically be able to become a high functioning adult. You should help her find a doctor she can see, if she’s willing to get that help. You do not have to enable her unwillingness, it can drag you down. Let her go stand in the line for freebies.
If she’s unwilling, you need to do everything in your power to prioritize you, your health, your mental health, and your education. The rest will fall into place when you prioritize your well being and in that mindset, your life is far from over. Life begins now for many many people in the world. Start small everyday with a small adjustment, like try to add in a handful of spinach into your noodles. Add an egg for protein.The popcorn and noodles won’t be enough to make you feel nourished. Choose you when you wake up in the morning despite your fears. Sometimes when we feel like we’re drowning, we just need to firmly stand up on our feet.
Sending you an ehug.
Get a roommate and move out. Its not going to be pretty, but your sanity seems to be at stake
Move away. Your mother is an adult and will look after herself when she has no other choice.
Honey, you are NOT responsible for your mother. Believe me when I say that if you left her tomorrow, she would have to figure out how to exist on her own. And she totally would. She is weaponizing her supposed incompetence because she knows you will take care of it. And I say this as the daughter of a similar mother. I am 40 years old and only NOW getting my own life because my mother passed on 2 years ago. Listen to me very carefully, Leave your mother. Go no contact until she has gotten herself on her feet. Do NOT feel guilty in doing so. You deserve your own life.
How to deal with it: You move out.
People learn to survive when they have to. People like this don’t learn how until they need to.
First, quit paying for her phone. If she’s not working, she doesn’t need it. Use paper plates and throw them away afterwards. Spend as much time away from home as you can for studying. If she’s not willing to cook, you can live a while on canned soup, eggs, rice, and peanut butter sandwiches and quit buying groceries that won’t get cooked. Don’t quit school, no matter what. Live in your car if you have to, but don’t quit school.
She is not your child that you have to nurture. She can prepare a sandwich if she’s hungry. She can get herself to the unemployment office if she’s serious about having money. You have to emotionally disconnect and focus on taking care of yourself. Keep studying, keep working, make incremental positive steps to getting out and starting your new life.
Yes, mom may be depressed, but that’s not your burden to carry or something that you are equipped to fix. You can only change YOU, not anyone else.
Congrats on school and getting close to graduating.
Cooking seems to take up too **WAY TOO MUCH** of your time. You mention it 12 times above. Just give mom a microwave dinner and call it done. If she complains, she can make her own food. That is how it works. Your mom is a acting like spoiled child. Quit rewarding her for it by doing her bidding.
You are a great person for helping but you need to respect yourself more and stand up to your mom.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone warm.
Moving out and abandoning your mother is hard, but it’s easier than staying in your current situation forever. Despite what disney has taught us there is no actual inherent bond between adult children and their mothers.
Start packing up your things, moving out, struggle, live on campus, go into manageable debt for your degree, get a job, and move slowly every day toward a better life. Every day get 1% better. Most people would kill to be 29 again.
It’s pretty noble what you’re doing. I’m not saying its healthy but its not something you should feel embarrassed about. You’re going to leave soon to live your own life. Do the best you can to prepare her for that and just go. Your duty to her has been fulfilled.
I’m sorry for your situation it sounds horrible. You are enabling your mom’s behavior at this point.
Stop giving her money, stop cooking anything extra for herself she can either eat what you make or she can go hungry.
Go to the library and get the book Boundaries by Dr Henry cloud.
You are not responsible for your adult mother who refuses to act like an adult. Ignore her attempts at guilting you, saying how you don’t love her, or anything else that she uses to try to get you to her bidding at your expense.
She needs to get her ass out and get a job you need to make life with you unpleasant so she will move.
Best of luck.
You’re *not* stuck. You can’t be a doormat unless you *let* people walk all over you.
What is a mom? Is it the person who birthed you? The person who raised you? The person who loves you unconditionally forever? The person who would give anything to keep you safe from harm, who cares more about your well-being than her own?
Birthing is the least important part of being a mom, but it’s the only part your mother has done. Do any of the other parts seem true? As her child, you are entitled to her love and care. She hasn’t given that to you, that is emotional and physical neglect, and it’s not just morally wrong; neglect is criminalized because the damage it does to children, the damage your mother has done to you, is *real* and *long-lasting*.
She is not entitled to your love and support, but she has conditioned you to believe that she is. She is a vampire sucking the life out of you. You think you’re doing this because you love her and she needs you. But someone who can walk and talk and play on their phone doesn’t *need* to be a parasite. But she’s content to be one, and she will never do anything for herself when taking it from you is easier.
If you stay in this situation, nothing will change until she dies. *Nothing will change.* But your soul will die a lot sooner than she does. I bet your soul feels like it’s dying right now, doesn’t it?
Your own life depends on you leaving. Cutting off a parent is one of the hardest things a child can do. It will be an extremely painful process for you. You will grieve. Not that she’s gone; you will grieve once you understand in your heart that you’ve never had the loving mother you deserved, and you never will.
Once you’re gone she won’t die. She will live in filth because she won’t clean. She will eat bland food because she won’t cook. She will use less electricity because she can’t afford it. But she won’t die. The only person dying in this situation is you, little by little, every time you are so stressed you’re crying while she’s got her feet up.
I hope you find the strength to leave. I hope you find the strength to cut her off. I hope that you realize the guilt that will you feel afterwards, guilt that your life is so much easier while here is harder, is not because you’ve done anything wrong, but because your own mother has conditioned you to believe that suffering is what you deserve.
Someday you will find a partner who is incredibly admiring a grateful to how generous and selfless you are. But instead of taking advantage of that, they will support and serve you as much as you do to them, and you will finally know what love really feels like.
Of course you can leave her. Why on earth should your life be on hold for her? Move out asap.
She is likely not lazy but has some mental illness of some sort. What country do you live in ?
If you left tomorrow, she would figure it out. She might have a rough few months, but she’d figure out her smart phone, how to feed herself, how to get a job, etc. People like your mom use guilt and weaponized incompetence to coast through life, unless they’re left on their own to figure it out.
Tell her you’re done. You don’t care if she works, or if she feeds herself, or lives in filth, or has a job, or has a place to live. She’s not going to do anything for herself while you’re there, so you leave. Move into a small room which is cheap, where the bills are inexpensive, start saving, take all her utilities out of your name if they’re in them, and just let her be. Stop taking her calls, stop visiting, etc. I guarantee that she’ll either find someone else to use, or she will figure it out. And if she does end up on the streets it is her own fault alone.
You don’t owe your mother anything.
Your mom is mentally ill. It’s not your fault, but she’s made it your problem. You have a bright future ahead of you, once you cut her off like the anchor she is.
She needs therapy & to try to get Social Security disability income or a non-US equivalent. But they won’t give her money to just be mentally ill, she has to get therapy & take medication. You can point her in that direction, but you can’t make her go/file/etc.
Hang in there. You are clearly a caring person, but you are going to have to be tough about this if you’re going to move forward in life. I know you can do it! Good luck!!
I know it sounds kind of mean and I’m not saying to throw your mom in a home but it sounds like she is completely unable to take care of herself and is not mentally well. Maybe considers APS(Adult Protective Service). Or a theripist or somthing of that nature.
First off props for what you do. You’re a true hero
Avoiding responsibility might be an indicator of a mental problem (depression, anexiety, imposter syndrome etc) I’m not using term as a bad word. That’s the first thing I thought. Not wanting to do anything is as clear sign as any for depression.
It doesn’t take many instances of failure in a certain thing to reach imposter syndrome.
If available try to get her to see a doctor on one of these things. You take care of her so you can pressure her to go (on the other hand I heard a clinical psychologist once say that if a person is totally unwilling. Professional help is useless. But both of us could be wrong I dont know better)
You can sit down have an adult’s talk with her if you hadn’t.
Basically tell her what you’ve written here in whatever way you see most fit. Some people will not even respond to being called out but will respond to a more “”””empathic””””” approach.
If you’ve done that already well. You need to establish a baseline. Go stay with a friend for a couple of days, leave just enough money to get groceries. But nothing else, no food, no clean dishes, no nothing.
Find any excuse. Studying, a trip, anything.
She will have to fend for herself over the next couple of days. (ofc not enough time to be dangerous for her or anything)
If she does ANYTHING. it shows that she could do it alone. Call her out on that and say that you will not do it for her with that again because finals or whatever.
If you really can’t do that. Just tell her that you will cook for yourself, clean your dishes, do your luandary. Handle yourself
If she needs *assistance* you can help her.
If she needs you to *tell her how it’s done* you can tell her.
But you simply will not be able to *do* things for her anymore.
If she can walk to the grocery store and interact with a cashier. She can buy items off a list.
Go out. Leave a list of groceries. Tell her that you’ll be late and youll need said groceries to make food. Get yourself something to eat.
If she doesn’t buy groceries there’s no food home.
If you did all what you did for your mother. I think anything mentioned here won’t necessarily be fun at all.
I’m only giving what I think will work.
(Reread to the 2nd 3rd and 4th paragraphs again. You can never rule out that possiblity)
Stop paying her bills!!
She doesn’t need a phone if she can’t work.
You learned how to do things, she can to, or do without!!
Stop paying for anything. Your saving is your way out!
You do not parent your mom.
She’ll take you down with her. Start living your life, life is too short and uncertain.
Tomorrow you leave her and get hit by a truck and die. You didn’t live your life then.
Leave her , and start living your life. You’re 30, don’t waste anymore time..
ADHD?
She’s a adult. Your a adult. You can leave her and she can figure it out. Yes shes your mother, but she is using you. Time to let go.
You do realize you dont have to do anything for your mother, OP
It’s time to be selfish and only take care of yourself. Stop giving your mom money. Apply for the low income housing vouchers for YOURSELF. find a government apartment, abs government aid for food and utilities credits for YOURSELF. Carrying her dead weight isn’t helping either of you, and she’s learned she can keep taking and you’ll just keep giving. I know it sticks, cause my dad was the same way. But just remember that you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. She is not your responsibility, although you may emotionally feel that she is. Please walk away so you can enjoy your life without having to worry about her too.
Your mom is a straight piece of shit and your problems come from her. I don’t know what to say but you should do something to disrupt the status quo.
For the love of God leave. You are enabling your mother. She will magically get a job and her benefits when the electricity is cut off etc.
Is she developmentally disabled or just lazy?
Honestly? Stop enabling her. Stop giving her money and stop taking her excuses.
It’s time for you to retake control of your life. Go out there and live.
Who raised you from birth? It couldn’t have been her
>My mother loves freebies so much that she stands in the line to fetch food
>
>My mom’s so fit she prefers to walk 40 minutes to the supermarket than taking an uber
>
>All these years she made an excuse that she works
>
>My mom also signed up with a housing project
>
>She doesn’t cook food unless I remind her
>
>She’s perfectly fine and are able to do everything but she’s just lazy
I think you put it perfectly. She *can* probably do anything, she just chooses not to. Do you know why that’s possible? It’s because there is always that is proactive and responsible that will do all the work for her even though they don’t want to. It sounds like she’s never been really afraid about losing anything and forced to do anything for herself.
>How does one deal with this?
You pull the plug and really leave her to be on her own. You stop paying for her. You move out. You ignore her begging. You know that she has all the skills she needs, recognize that she’s an adult and **not a baby** that you have to care for, and you accept the leap of faith that whether she succeeds or fails is **not your problem**. In fact, some failure might be good for her. If she wants to have nice food or a decent place to live, she’s got to put some effort in for once. She can only live this way because you allow it.
>she stands in the line to fetch food meant for the very poor
Well, you sound fairly poor, and she definitely *is* poor. She isn’t working and doesn’t have any money besides what you give her. Stop giving her grocery money and let her go to the food line from now on. Let her take care of her own finances and sustenance, she’ll figure something out if she wants to elevate her quality of life.
Leave and then call your country’s version of adult protective services. It is not your responsibility to care for your mother.
> Someone told me that I can’t leave her because she can’t take care of herself
Who told you this?
From your description, this is false. From your description, your mom is capable.
You are not responsible for this level of care of your mom, who is an able-bodied, able-minded adult. She’s using you. And you’re letting her.
You have permission to walk away from people who unapologetically, unnecessarily, and continuously harm you.
It is not your responsibility to fund and/or provide a life for your mom. I know its tough but you have to let her learn to be on her own the hard way
You control your decisions. Only she can control hers. NOT doing things IS a decision. It is not your job to take care of her. You need to take care of yourself because no one else can / will. If your mother has diminished abilities or mental capacity, call adult protective services to see what resources are available to ease your situation. Wishing you the best of luck.