I’m a younger dude in my 20s fresh out of college. Not bragging but women often will mention how cute I am, how pretty my eyes are, etc. In college and high school girls would often use this flirtyness to get me to do things for them (typical I’m hot, do my homework vibes). I never really enjoyed this but I put up with it, in my mind that mentality was going to bite them down the road because the women who would do this often would be very incapable students and would be making no effort to improve, just trying to flirt their way by.
Flash forward to now, I’m in my first salaried job after a year and a half. We hired a new marketing person (roughly my age) and I was responsible for setting up all of the automation for the marketing, making sure they had everything they needed, etc. Things are going fine at first then the woman we hired starts flirting with me when she wants me to do things. It started small but now is to the point where she makes jokes about being “single and ready to mingle” and things of that nature. One time I subtly called her on it and she over the top responded “I’m not trying to flirt with you!”.
Essentially the problem I’m faced with here is that I don’t want my coworker to feel uncomfortable by saying something (I genuinely like being friends, she’s a nice person, but I have a hardline “no office relationships” policy). If I try to bring it up she will just deny it, but if I don’t do anything she will keep using her “feminine charm” to try to get me to do her job for her. I’m starting to feel fairly uncomfortable and pressured to do things I don’t want to do or that my boss would consider “a waste of my time” (I’m a sys admin, not the marketing guy).
So my question is this; what would you do/have done. Can anyone point to specific examples of how they handled these types of situations? Really any advice even for just how to handle the in the moment uncomfortability I’m experiencing.
Im concerned that the way things are heading it will end in hurt feelings and/or someone getting in trouble at work.
32 comments
Probably talk to HR
Bang her but make it bad. She’ll want nothing to do with you after.
Usually this is a problem for ugly dudes when they get used by attractive women who flirt with them to make them think they like them, but in actuality have no interest…just want something from them. Basically a strip club in real life.
If you’re good looking and have no interest in anything physical with her…then who cares how she approaches it. Just ignore it and treat her like everybody else in the company. Prioritize her accordingly…maybe even prioritize her less when she tries to flirt. Soon she’ll realize the flirting doesn’t work with you and stop.
>starts flirting with me when she wants me to do things
>to try to get me to do her job for her.
You can say no, also, it wouldn’t hurt to visit HR if after you tell her to fuck off she keeps bothering.
I’d just tell her straight up that she needs to do her own job and you won’t do it anymore. (Or do the little things) or just tell her your too busy to do it and you can help show her how to do it and that’s it.
even if its a lie, just subtly drop the fact that you have a girlfriend. talk about what you did with your girlfriend this past weekend, what movies you guys have watched recently, whatever. she will give up immediately
You could go to Hr and say that you feel like this coworker has been flirting with you in a way you find a little inappropriate. I wouldn’t go really beyond that. As I don’t think you want her to get fired or anything. At the end of the day as with all SH or SA her “intentions” don’t actually matter just the way you feel. So if you feel like you are being harassed by her flirty behavior in order for her to get you to do her work report it. Either that or just tell her straight up that you are uncomfortable with the way she talks to you and be sure to clarify that even if she just means it as a friendly thing you can say that to you it sounds like playful flirting and it makes you uncomfortable.
This one is easy. Don’t do things for her. Flirting and all that is irrelevant. Just don’t help her if it is outside the scope of your work and you aren’t looking to get laid.
Since you have no HR, the onus is on you to be direct and firm. If she denies she’s being flirtatious then just say “your mannerisms are unprofessional and disrespectful to me. I would ask you treat me as your coworker and not your friend. I am uncomfortable and I think I need to set this boundary with you”
Gotta be direct and painful.
Just keep on keeping on, dude. She’ll take the hint sooner or later, and for anything she asks for that is outside of your job scope, tell your manager… that person will (or should) handle it.
Co-workers will try and steer you into doing all kinds of shit if you let them, and that goes for males and females — ESPECIALLY people that work in Sales, lol, that attitude goes with the job description and frequently bleeds into the office. It might not have anything to do with the fact she’s female, Sales folks are just like this.
This is just a part of work life, and you’re gonna need to adjust to it. Do your job and let your boss handle the rest.
Sounds to me like the flirting is to manipulate you into attending to her. You should start saying no to these requests and focus on your job. Not hers.
To me it feels simple, she asks things of you, you just say no without implying she does something wrong. My guess is she’ll stop on her own when she figured it out. And also that you won’t see her much afterward.
I’ve dealt with this more often than I care to admit. By that I mean that I’ve engaged in office flirting that materialized into a relationship and then crashed and burned, leading me to quit said job and move halfway across the country. Painful shit so first off, I definitely approve of your “no office relationships” policy.
You just have to shut it down… even if that means being blunt. With finesse, it can be done where you don’t damage the work relationship. When she flirts or makes an advance, say, “let’s focus on ______ instead.” You don’t necessarily have to lie by saying you’re dating someone or whatever, just show you’re not interested by redirecting.
As a dude in a committed relationship, whenever I’m flirted with, I picture my girlfriend’s reaction if I were to tell her about that exact flirty moment in detail. This often causes me to not react to the flirtation and dispels any further continuation because it’s obvious I’m not into it.
Trying to get you to do her job? It’s cool you want to be nice to get, but she’s making You UNCOMFORTABLE. Stop putting her feelings above yours. Use your Boss as the bad guy. “Hey, sorry, I cannot help you. Boss says I can only do XYZ!!”
And next time she says she’s “single and ready to mingle, you reply, “I’m excited for my date tonight, you know there is this girl at work who won’t leave me alone, I know we’re friends so I wondered if you could spread the gossip mill that I don’t date co workers. I would really really appreciate it. Anyhow is this about something I can help you with? My direct Boss says I can only be working on XYZ projects so I’m sorry I cannot help with anything else.” Two birds with one stone.
Don’t do things for her, she’s definitively putting on the charms in order for you to give her preferential or priority.
Had one at my current job try this. Surprisingly enough, she wasn’t as flirty when she noticed she was getting stonewalled whenever she had an issue and tried to sweet talk her way while I was doing my job.
Even more surprising is how she got fired, along with another guy in her department at the same time a few months later. Guess she thought her looks and sweet talk could get her whatever she wanted. She was sorely mistaken when HR and management showed her the door.
“I would like to help you, but my boss has me focused on other projects. You will need to clear it with him/her.”
It is entirely reasonable to say “No, sorry, I am not going to do that” to a co-worker asking you for help. Be polite about it, but firm. Smile, say ‘Sorry, but I am not going to do that’. And do not waste time explaining the why of it beyond having our own job to do. If they are unhappy about it, that is their problem. Don’t let them make it your problem.
Having said that, saying no will carry a cost; That person may go from being friendly to being upset with you or hostile. It is on you to weigh the cost of that person being upset with you vs feeling exploited into doing their job for them.
END COMMUNICATION
Set those boundaries. If she pulls any shit past that, you go to HR and go on record. Protect yourself in not being violated or being fired yourself if she flips it.
Treat it likes a domestic dispute, whoever calls the police last goes to jail.
If you don’t have an HR, document every single action, document the interactions with higher ups over this. Use it incase you have to sue.
I’m one or being direct, and if it affects her “liking” you so be it. Something like, “Jen, you know, those comments are both unnecessary and really uncomfortable, please stop”. She might not like that, but she can’t “Deny” it bc there’s nothing there to deny. Being “Nice” doesn’t mean you have to tolerate workplace harassment, nor does it mean you have to go nuclear, either.
Smile, get the confidence boost and keep it moving.
Messing around with female coworkers is wrong and not worth it when there millions of women outside of work. Women are messy and play games, the last place you need that type of headache/drama is at work, where there’s probably enough to deal with.
Ignore them and enjoy the attention.
If you work in the corporate world you’ll discover most companies are dysfunctional and spend most of their time trying to get other people to do their work.
You’re a “sysadmin” and I’ve done that kind of work and at a company big enough to have a team for enduser and a team for infrastructure will by definition have middle management that spend all day long trying to dump work on each other. “Well, active directory is a piece of infrastructure so the infra guys should work in it including adding and removing resources” “Well, resources are endusers so the enduser team should add and remove resources as infrastructure is merely responsible for the server being up and backed up occasionally”. Its NEVER going to change. Your situation of the hottie in marketing wanting to dump work on you is only novel because at least one of you, or probably both of you, wouldn’t mind some sex. But if you get her fired its going to be the same shit if they hire an ugly old dude, he’s going to want you to “do all that computer-y stuff” with the website because that leave time for marketing to get better metrics; at the expense of your metrics of course.
The only way out is to contract. If you’re paid two bucks a minute for some hottie to ask you to stick out your tongue to lick her stamps for some mailing or whatever, and your boss isn’t willing to go to war with the marketing boss, then you lick some hottie’s stamps for two bucks a minute. There’s worse ways to make a buck (or two).
Its worth pointing out that if you literally have nothing to do (and as a former sysadmin, I know you’ll never have nothing to do) then you learn some marketing crap. Nice that your instructor is a hottie who seems to like you, but you never lose in life by learning too much about the business or other cross functional area training or whatever. Who knows, maybe you’ll transfer to marketing in 20 years. Anyway if your boss gave you something to do, you tell her you’ll get to her stamp-licking or whatever nonsense right after you do what the boss told you to do which is realign the dilithium crystals in the matrix or rotate the backup tapes or WTF else is in your backlog. If you “have to” the corporate standard way to handle overbearing coworkers is just punt and kick it up the chain, ask the boss if you should be rotating backup tapes or licking her stamps, and the boss will either lay down the law or kick it up the chain himself. At some point you’ll have a written email chain including your boss saying something like “treat her like any other user and provide her exactly the same level of support you’d give to any other user” and then she can whine all she wants about your refusal to lick stamps because you have a written documented email explaining how “her impression of needs” matches some manager’s idea of an acceptable level of service.
This kind of stuff is why old timers go into contracting; I’m not interested in mediating toddler playground squabbles, although if my hiring manager loses a war I also don’t mind licking some hottie’s postal stamps all day, given what I’m paid per hour LOL. I mean, I don’t have an “empire of minions” and some people get really hard over that idea of having minions to serve them, but on the other hand I don’t have any headaches LOL.
Dude this could so me( you will understand when you read my latest post), except that I am in college and it’s my junior.
I thought/ still think that she is interested in me, but people here and in my college keep telling me she could possibly just be using me.
Honestly, a simple “I’m uncomfortable with this conversation. Would you mind terribly if we just keep the topic on our work?” has always been my go-to.
I keep a camera rolling in my office, or a recorder on my my smart watch, just to protect myself from sordid allegations.
You’ve got to protect yourself. You’re just getting your career rolling and false legstions can follow you.
Do **NOT** engage. Make sure you never alone with these people in the workplace. Sexual harassment accusations are no joke. If you engage with flirtatious women at work, you’re asking for trouble when they decide they don’t like you and throw the fucking book at you.
It actually sounds like you should change jobs.
Suffering from success
Mark this well: don’t shit where you eat. Keep it professional at all times. She is not an option for you. If she continues flirting, make sure you’re never alone in a room with her.
File an HR complaint, say they you feel sexually harassed and then quit being such a bitch, if you wouldn’t do it for the fat, smelly guy don’t do it for the girl who is taking advantage of you.
One of the best responses when someone else is asking you to do their work is “I’m sorry I’d love to help but with my current workload I don’t have time.” Something overtly professional so there’s no room for interpretation. And if she says yes you do, ask her to do something for you.
Record it if you’re in a one-party consent state.
Draw a hard line.
If she keeps at it after that, use the recordings to nuke her ass via HR, frame it as sexual harassment.
Give them what they want lol
Be ugly, problem solved.
Channel your inner buffalo bill (silence of the lambs). Gotta get awkward and creepy my guy.