I wanted some outside opinions, and since I can’t tell my family or friends about this, here I am. This is a throwaway account.
My husband (37m) and I (28f) have been married for three years. We have been together for 9. We have no kids.
Throughout our whole relationship he has seemingly been unable to care or comfort me when I was upset. At first, I accepted it as normal. I came from a family where you were sent to your room if you had big emotions. I’ve been in therapy for years and recently learned that I do actually deserve to be comforted if I’m upset, and that people who love you want to comfort you.
So that new perspective has started some conflict in our relationship. Multiple times now (at least 5-6 times) I have cried and he has “not known I was crying” or “didn’t know what to do” and pretty much ignored me until I was composed. I have talked to him so many times about how I would like to be comforted, how shitty it feels to be ignored when I’m crying, how this will be the end of our marriage if it continues. He always apologizes after, and says he will do better in the future. But he never actually does better when it happens again.
Now we’re on vacation. It was night, everyone else was asleep. I was telling him how compared to my other family, I feel like I haven’t “made it” in life. That I’m sad we aren’t financially secure enough to buy a house. How I wish I was born into wealth like my sister in law. How I resent my father for not being active in my childhood. How I’m upset my mother is slightly insane politically.
He didn’t say anything. I pressed him, said do you relate? Can you empathize with me please? He said he’s sick of me complaining about money. That he doesn’t want to hear it.
I tried explaining that that was a very simplified version of what I was talking about. That I was looking for comfort, empathy, and just someone to see me.
He repeated what he said before and I didn’t say anything.
Then later in the night I brought it up again. He again repeated that he’s “sorry he can’t empathize with hating rich people” that wasn’t what I said, and that missed the point of me trying to share my feeling with him.
He went to bed.
I went to bed eventually and started sobbing.
He asked if I was crying and told me there’s no need to cry. I left the room. He went back to bed.
Then I went to bed again when I was composed enough, but started crying again realizing he was snoring when I was so upset and how worthless that made me feel.
So I said “you never empathize with me” he seemed to wake up but said nothing. I said “ I feel so alone” crickets. I said “you’re a real dick” and then explosion. He yelled he got up and demanded I take that back. Said he would leave tomorrow if I didn’t. Now we drove here, about 12 hours was from our home, with our dog. So I panicked. I started crying, hyperventilating, panic attack. Went to the bathroom to throw up. I didn’t know how I would get home with the dog. I came back crying begging him not to leave. He said he wasn’t going to leave and I was overreacting. I begged him for his car Keys and hid them so he couldn’t leave me and the dog when I was sleeping. He did apologize in the morning. My eyes were huge, giant puff bags from crying.
Now two days have passed. I would normally bring up my feelings again and try to make amens. But I can’t this time. I find myself distancing from him, not caring if hes not feeling well, not wanting to share how I’m feeling.
I think our marriage may be over. But am I overreacting? Should I try again with him to get him to understand how hurt I am?
What would you do?
We are already in the process of finding a therapist together. But so far all the people we reach out to ignore us or are full. I can’t keep going like this. I feel so alone and I’ve told him so many times. It’s Iike when I’m happy he’s happy and we’re great, but when I have any sadness he’s poof gone.