Money has never been an issue for us. We are pretty fine in that regards. I found out she lied about her income. It’s a significant difference. Talking five figures to six figures. We don’t share a bank account. We don’t complain to each other about expenses because things are covered and split 50/50. I may pay a little more but I’m not keeping track. I just don’t understand why. She has no real reason to give me.
I’m not a husband to check her phone or paystubs.
TL;DR: Wife lied about her income for 2 years.
20 comments
The only time I ever lied about my income was when I was squirrelling money away to leave.
Wife?
Your married, you are entitled to half. Let her pay more.
It’s probably in case of an emergency. She may want to feel like she has her own independence and security in case something were to go wrong in the relationship.
This is unusual I would say. There’s more to this than just not disclosing her income. I would absolutely ask her about it, ask her why she lied.
Keep in mind it could be to hide something like drugs gambling or debt etc. Perhaps telling her you will be there for her whatever the reason is for her dishonesty , may help her to come clean. If she now outearns you that may be a reason too. But I would definitely confront her about it.
If she has debt, you’ll owe it, even if she dies. You need to know what’s up with her (really yours as a couple) finances.
Does it make a difference if she is paying her 1/2?
Was it an outright lie, or did she just not say anything?
I’m confused at the issue.
She has reasons. Just not ones she wants to discuss with you.
There’s a lot going on here, but exactly what remains unclear.
Some possibilities…
She feels the need to have an emergency fund. This may/may not have anything to do with you. I know nothing about her past. Deprivation earlier in her life might be pushing her need to have a hidden fund.
She doesn’t trust you. This may/may not be your fault. Betrayal in the past could be causing her to hide money from you.
She has issues, such as gambling, or someone she cares about does, and she’s been funnelling the “extra” to cover an addiction.
She’s supporting someone else, and is afraid of your reaction if you found out.
I could go on, but I’m done guessing. Here’s the real question, is this a deal breaker?
As long as I was stable, financially, and we didn’t need the money she was putting away, then I’d let it go. Make sure she understood that when she was ready to talk, I’d be ready to listen, but that money would never be an issue I’d be upset about.
Lies are meant to deceive for nefarious purposes. I wouldn’t consider this to be a lie. I’d consider this to be a signal that something is going on, something I may be able to help her deal with. I’d err on the side of trusting that this wasn’t about me, or us, and give her the space and support she needed.
Does she make more than you now?
You file your taxes separately too? Is she the one who insists on separate bank accounts and splitting costs? This doesn’t really sound like a marriage to me and my first suspicion is she is planning on moving on.
Not condoning the lying but does she feel secure?
My grandmother always said, every woman should have a secret bank account so she could afford to feed herself and leave if necessary in the middle of the night: she grew up in tough, abusive times but the sentiment is valid.
Many women don’t feel the security that if their husbands left them, would they be ok.
What did she do with the money? Did she save it or invest it? Did she spend it on things she’d otherwise feel guilty about?
It is her money, she did earn it – but i’d be curious about why she felt she couldn’t tell you about it. She obviously didn’t celebrate the pay rises or promotions with you either?
Possible reason: if she makes more money than you, she may have worried that you’d feel emasculated. I had a friend who had a great marriage but once she started out earning her husband and getting more accolades then him (they worked in the same field) he divorced her within a year. Woman are taught not to be threatening to men, she might have this mindset engrained in her and was worried she’d jeopardize the relationship if you knew.
You should probably start paying a little more attention…a million dollar increase in a year doesn’t just happen like oh honey I got a raise this year.
Rest assured…most states require a financial disclosure during the divorce process. Should you unfortunately end up in that scenario you’re going to find out lots of stuff you probably didn’t know about.
Ngl, I didn’t tell my fiancé about my income or savings because it was always put into my head from a young age that you should always be prepared for the worst and what if he tried to control my money somehow or use me or I needed a way to get away quickly. Not saying that’s how it is with her but there are a lot of circumstances. I eventually realized it’s not supposed to be me against the world so I talked openly with him about it and he didn’t care at all about it and made me feel silly for worrying.
updateme!
How did you find this out?
Does she have a job you don’t know about?
Also, are you her first husband/serious relationship? Maybe there was a big issue in the past.
In a relationship you don’t need to be open about everything, but you should be open about everything that effects each other. For instance, if she has debt, that’s your debt now too, so you should know. Just talk about how this changes anything, and maybe try to get some idea why she would be motivated to lie to you.
Every time I’ve heard this story…they’re either planning to leave, or they’re following an outdated “wife at home” style of life just in case.
Honestly, if you’re 50/50 and keep the rest, not sure it matters…unless income levels matching was planned to be an adjustment. I mean the lying is a problem, but does the income level matter?
I don’t understand how you filed taxes?
Even if you file “Married Filing separately” your spouses income affects your tax liability so you need to disclose to each other the details. I know this because when my wife and I split the divorce took so long (Covid) that her income would have been taxed at my rate. Since that would have created a real shit-show with her, we just lied to the Government.
Or maybe there is a way to do it that I don’t know. Not an expert!
Everyone here is assuming she actually makes more and told him less than she really makes. The way he wrote the post it sounds instead like she exaggerated her 5 figure salary into a more impressive 6 figure salary. That’s what’s so odd, it sounds like just an ego thing, rather than hiding money.