My boyfriend (32) daughter (7) is bullying my
(31) daughters (7&8). We've been dating for 7 months.
My kids were acting strange while at my boyfriend's house. They started acting out a lot and not following basic rule. (le big breakdowns and coming back home from playing at the park without her) So I hit my patience level yesterday and took my kids out to find out why the sudden change in moods and why it's worse at his house than anywhere else. They informed me that she will grab them by the shoulders and shake them, she pins them down and screams in their ears, and she pinches and hits them. When they don't want to play what she wants to play. When I asked why they hadn't told me they said because she threatened them that she would be meaner if they did. So I addressed it with my boyfriend. His daughter had a massive meltdown (which is typical for her. She completely loses it whenever she's addressed about anything.
This has caused issues for us before.) He asked if I would come back and talk to her. I let him know that bullying is something I take very seriously and I would be very strict if I talked to her. He said that I shouldn't come over then. (I'm in education and deal with it very frequently and most issues I handle with a "whoops, let's make a better choice next time" | set a hard line with bullying) So I took my kids home. We were texting about it and he kept saying I seemed angry. Which I wasn't, so l asked that we table it and get sitters so we could talk just the two of us face to face. He agreed but then was refusing to respond to me so l asked him to call me on my lunch. He's now saying that I handled it wrong, we should have all talked about it together, that I should have come over and talked to his daughter. That I'm not harvesting a partnership because I didn't talk to his child. He's saying that my children are just accusing his daughter of bullying.
That I threatened his daughter by saying I would be strict. He's saying I handled it wrong and that's why he's not doing anything to discipline her. I've expressed that l'm concerned about my children bi* in that environment and they might not be coming back
38 comments
Just move on. However, I am around kids this age a lot and they all bully each other. Maybe not to this extent but they take turns being rude. It’s a constant conversation. Additionally, my son is very dramatic and has meltdowns. Turns out he has ADHd.
You’ve been dating 7 months. Your kids should MAYBE just be meeting. And even then it’s rather quick – you’re really just hitting the minimum acceptable time to introduce kids to a partner.
You need to completely back completely off from having your kids together. And while your kids aren’t spending time together you need to get your bf more and talk more about his parenting and his values.
But honestly this might be the end. It sounds like he absolutely believes his daughter and can’t even fathom that your kids may be telling the truth. Add in her meltdowns when anything is addressed with her and it doesn’t sound like your parenting styles match at all.
Protect your kids first. Remove them from their bully full stop. And if the bf refuses to even rationally talk about it end the relationship.
I could never be with someone I didn’t respect as a parent. I know firsthand how much it takes to raise a good human; it takes constant regulation of your own self, frequent revision of your preconceived notions, endless self-interrogation. It’s work. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t find that work worthwhile. My partner isn’t a bio parent, but he’s invested in my child becoming a happy, kind, confident adult. We are raising a good person. Does your bf do that work?
Break up.
If kids can’t be together this is a deal breaker.
Next time – slow down. First you introduced kids too fast.
At 7 months you might be meeting adult to kid first time, without saying it’s a date, just as a friend and setting some relationship with kids.
Then introduce kids to each other
I would recommend find a book or two on blending families
But now – back out of relationship. You should protect kids first
Drop the BF and bratty daughter and protect your kids.
Did he offer to come over to your children and talk to them? No I think I can tell were his child’s behaviour comes from. This relationship might not work it also might push your children away think carefully before you continue this relationship.
It’s not your job to talk to his daughter. It’s his. He is sitting back and pointing fingers at how you handled it wrong but he refuses to handle it himself. If it were reversed you were be talking to your daughters about it. Sooo yeah idk
Sounds like your relationship is over.
What advice do you need here? This guy is a useless parent and you’ve been negligent in protecting your children. This guy needs to go immediately.
What really bothers at me about this situation (apart from those things that have already been mentioned like too early to be meeting, should know each other’s parenting values well enough before introduction of kids to each partner, let alone to each other’s kids) is he is kind of tantruming himself!
He seems to be either really blaming you or your children, also both flip flopping between wanting you to swoop in and solve the issue or “deal with it as a family”, rather than taking it into hand, questioning his daughter, finding out if her behaviour is this way and WHY. As a teacher, you would be aware of how bullying behaviours come about. However, not only is he wanting to blame you for doing or not doing the right thing (first too strict, then not involved enough etc), he isn’t doing anything that is helping the situation.
It honestly sounds like his lite girl has learnt how not to regulate emotions or deal with issues as they arise from her parent and copied it with a little twist of being only 7 and unable to cope at all with her big emotions.
Sit down as adults to discuss, as you both previously agreed. If he cannot see his daughter’s behaviour is harmful, and continuously flip flops then you’ll need to end it. And of course, the next relationship needs an entirely different approach.
7 months is too early to introduce kids especially as young as all of the kids involved here.
I think you should point it out that you need to protect your kids first regardless of who it is.you cannot act differently just because the kid is someone you know.You have to make a point that it isn’t your responsibility to teach his kid,atleast not now.It’s very tough for parents to believe that their kids can do anything wrong.If he still doesn’t understand,i think it’s a huge red flag.In the future,these incidents are going to repeat.You don’t need to face them…
You daughters will appreciate that you put their needs above a boyfriend who can’t believe his little darling could be a mean bully. Protect your girls. The bf’s daughter sounds like she is going to be trouble for a long time.
Protect your kids. She showed them and you who she is. Believe her.
Your BF is not going to back you up.
Break up. There’s a reason his daughter is bullying and having tantrums. And it looks pretty obvious why now that he’s shown that he will enable her horrible behavior
You have a duty to protect your daughters first and foremost. He has no intention to deal with his daughter’s outbursts but is blaming you instead.
His daughter’s inability to be corrected is ALSO HIS INABILITY TO BE CORRECTED. This is what narcissists do, they refuse to self-reflect and self-correct but instead they pass blame and make you think you’re in the wrong.
For the sake of your daughters PROTECT THEM and end this torture.
Don’t be one of those mothers who betrays her kids for her new boyfriend. You are failing at protecting them, there is nothing to work out with him, he is not going to do it, he already showed you that he is just going to cop out and blame you instead. His daughter got these personality traits straight from him.
Honestly this relationship isn’t worth it. Your kids have already been bullied, they don’t feel safe, his kid is a brat, and he doesn’t take it seriously and blames you. Not worth it, break up.
You put your kids first and stay single for a while.
Your boyfriend is part of the problem by doing nothing. It’s not your job to talk to his daughter. It’s just another excuse for him to do nothing. Cut him loose. He’s not the one for you.
So what’s more important to you, the relationship with this guy and his daughter or your own kids? That is the only decision you should be making as a parent.
Run! Fast! That man is a useless father looking for a woman to take on the responsibility of raising his child for him. Don’t be that woman. There are other men out there, let him go find his future live in nanny.
Always put your children first. Hes not worth it
Put your daughters first and break up with him. They don’t need to live with this when you’re there. His daughter is a bully and needs professional help. He needs to focus on her and not dating. Wait at least a year before introducing you kids to the man you’re dating.
>I addressed it with my boyfriend. His daughter had a massive meltdown (which is typical for her. She completely loses it whenever she’s addressed about anything.
>He’s saying that my children are just accusing his daughter of bullying.
>That I threatened his daughter by saying I would be strict. He’s saying I handled it wrong and that’s why he’s not doing anything to discipline her.
You need to break up.
His daughter is a holy terror who melts down when any issues are addressed because your BF just finds reasons to not discipline her. He’s creating a little monster because he is a lazy parent. If she acts that way in front of adults, I don’t doubt at all what your kids are saying she does behind y’all’s back. His kid doesn’t have any boundaries, and it doesn’t sound like she ever will. Your kids come first. It’s been less than a year. It’s time to move on.
Break it off. Seriously. Your kids come first
It’s not gonna work dude. He’s turning it on your kids, instead of just saying…”okay, I hear you, I’ll talk to her. Why don’t you all come over and we’ll talk it out. Together.” Run.
Don’t date a man who lets his children bully ANYONE.
She’s violent and mean.
It comes from somewhere.
RUN!
You shouldn’t be blending the family yet. His daughter isn’t ready to share dad.
He was quick to say that your children are making it up and his daughter isn’t a bully. But you’ve seen her have meltdowns. It’s a bit of a red flag when he seems to be almost blaming you for this situation because you would have been strict if you had talked to his daughter about her behaviour.
You break up with this incompetent manipulative loser.
Break up with this guy. The reason his child is a bullying brat is because he does not discipline her and lets her get away with it. Your children are more important than anything and you need to show them that this is not something you will put up with and that this guy is no longer in your life because they matter more than some stupid man.
Your children are being bullied and your boyfriend seems to completely unbothered by the fact that it’s his child that is the bully!
PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AND LEAVE HIM!!
Break up.
All I read was: my boyfriend is mad because I won’t parent HIS child. Clearly boyfriend doesn’t want to discipline his own child and he doesn’t want anyone to be “mean” to his daughter. He has a long road ahead of him if he doesn’t start holding his daughter bad behavior accountable.
I was bullied heavily by the son of one of my dad’s girlfriends when I was about that age. Maybe “bullying” isn’t even the right word, the kid was obviously unhinged with mental disorders and later found himself in a psychiatric home, but the net result was the same—I hated him, was terrified to be around him, dreaded my time with my dad when I knew we’d be seeing them, and had no idea how to express this to my dad or that I even should. It finally ended when my dad put 2 and 2 together, that the bruises and yelling and scratches on my face weren’t just “boys being boys,” when that kid threw a boulder at my head and tried to drown me in the water in front of everyone on a boat ramp. Of course he ended it all right there.
A kid that age shouldn’t have to know that level of chronic fear, especially when it’s simply a choice the parent is making. Let me tell you this: the fact that you *know* this is happening, that it has “caused issues with you before,” and you *still* subject your kids to them—you are doing real damage to your children and to the trust they place in you as a parent to protect them. It’s even more unacceptable that he is being obstinate about immediately addressing this in his house.
Stip thinking with your dick and see this for what it is, protect your kids. If he doesn’t immediately take drastic action to address his child’s behavior without your requiring him to, then they will not be a part of your family. End of story. I can’t understand considering anything else.
Break up. He canceled the meeting to “protect” his daughter from consequences. It’s time for you to protect your children.
Don’t listen to those who tell you to work on it. That ship has sailed. Your kids told you and are trusting you to protect them from her.
It’s only been 7 months and if he is refusing to discipline her, it WILL continue. This is not a good or healthy relationship for you or your kids. Parents who don’t parent (him) have kids that grow up to be awful.
He’s not a parent and this won’t end. Protect your kids from his daughter because he’s just spitting out excuses for why he’s too lazy and too stupid to stand up and parent his child. His comeuppance will be when she hits teenage through to adult years and he realises exactly what he’s raised.
This is a deal breaker. Break up. He has no interest in properly parenting his child and you cannot subject your kids to bullying.
I was bullied from 6th through 7th grade, both physically and mentally and I still have scars as a full grown ass woman.
Walk away.