The guy I'm dating still speaks to his Ex, because it was a long relationship (7 years) and they have a lot of friends in common. They ended up in good terms, are friends and never meet alone – always with people.
For me it's hard to accept this because I don't speak to my Ex(s) and I don't find it necessary or respectful to do so and never had a situation like this. Basically, she is in every party he goes to and they text every now and then.
Our relationship is in the beginning, and the other day I told him that I wouldn't like to meet her and he said that he worries about that, because he doesn't want to hurt her or me. Despite everything, he still cares about her and it might be hard for her to see him with someone new, as well as it would be hard for me to be in a place with her there.
He says that, according to his friends and him, he never does anything considered wrong and that he is pretty sure that it makes sense to be friends with her and that I just have to trust.
I told him that I find it a little bit disrespectful and don't see any sense in speaking to the Ex, despite that they have all their friends in common…
**TL;DR;** : So I have to basically understand, accept and trust that it is okay and understandable that he is friends with his Ex because they have friends in common and were together for a long time?? How can I be okay with this? Why isn't him capable of making the decision to avoid her?
6 comments
Press the issue and it won’t be a problem anymore. You’ll be single and free to find someone who does exactly what you want, and caters to your insecurities.
This man is doing nothing wrong, and he’s allowed to be friends with whomever he chooses, within the confines of a friendship, which is what he’s doing. You’re the one with the problem, but it’s solvable… Just keep telling him that you don’t want him to be friends with her and you’re not going to have boyfriend problems.
What exactly is the problem? Is it that you worry they’ll reconnect? Are you plagued with thoughts of them from the days they were together? Are you comparing yourself to her and feeling insecure? Something else?
Honestly, imo, having an ex on good terms is a lot better than having an ex on bad terms. I understand some people aren’t comfortable with their partner’s being friends with exes. It means: incompatible. He isn’t doing anything wrong, and some humans are just susceptible to feelings of jealousy and insecurity.
Ask yourself. What is the threat to you or your relationship? You don’t have to deal with drama or anything inappropriate. These are two people who found out, after seven years, that they are no longer compatible or attracted to each other. If they were, they would still be together. Maybe try getting to know her before you judge. You could end up with a new friend.
I’m used to it being a red flag if somebody *isn’t* friends with at least a few of their exes in their 30s. Especially for a man.
>**TL;DR;** : So I have to basically understand, accept and trust that it is okay and understandable that he is friends with his Ex because they have friends in commons and were together for a long time??
Yes. This isn’t the school playground, this is adult life.
>How can I be okay with this?
Therapy?
>Why isn’t him capable of making the decision to avoid her?
I’m sure he’s perfectly capable of making that decision, he just doesn’t see why it’s necessary and frankly nor do I.
As they have a lot of friends in common, that would involve him having to cut himself off from his entire group of friends, which seems entirely disproportionate just to pander to your insecurities. Do you really think that him cutting himself off from all of his friends is either normal, healthy or desirable?
Thank you guys, it really helped me to read the comments.