Hey all
33 year old virgin male here. I’m kind of at a point of just foregoing authentic connection and just flying and getting it over, or just dating where there’s a better cultural fit over an extended period of time. I don’t really need to work that much anymore so fine hopping the pond for a bit. Looking for advice on what worked from people who overcame similar situations and how to start getting the experience to find someone. More context below:
I feel the script in my head was off. I spent my 20s working on having an amazing career, becoming a top earner, buying a home for myself and my parents with a second soon, and hobbies so learned classical music and art.
I’m going to be honest that building this was HARD. It required 100% of my attention. I started with nothing, no safety nets, and aging parents I knew I had to take care of, and was living off of credit card rewards when I was 23. Still, a part of me believed if I did these things love would come. Now I’ve realized how churlish of a perspective that is. No Cupid is keeping track checking these off and magically bringing someone into your life when X % of it done.
In the dating world what mattered was just experience. Being able to court, draw people in, and the amount of times I hear lack of experience be a turn off is wild. Even though sometimes I feel this is a projection of people who dated too much, have trauma, and are trying to Frankenstein someone together. Other times I get the perspective, you don’t want to have to teach or feel your taking a step back in your dating life having to do it. There’s real work to make a relationship successful so its fair that no one wants to feel they have to carry the heavier side of the couch for a period of time.
Due to the dating app environment where women get 100’s of likes and been in 7+ relationships I’m a bit outgunned here. I’ve heard women at brunches swipe left because of a box on a table in a background image.
Curious to see what worked for people in similar situations and have over come them to be in fulfilling relationships. Looking for more than the “right person will come” – a bit too old to be drifting in fairy tales. I know I can go the flaunt what you got, buy an expensive car and things. The same with throwing parties or VIPing clubs. None of those places really attracted me. We all know that rarely leads to anything authentic:
• Did you try matchmaking services, which ones worked?
• Have you found success in other countries? It makes sense to me that the world is large and for some people the American dating scene is just not a fit from a value perspective.
• Did you just go full on bender to catch up to get experience? Did it help or do you regret it? Why?
Thanks for the help and advice. I know dating and relationships are highly personal and what worked for someone may not work for others. So posting this more for crowdsourcing experience than wisdom.