I, M/28 have been in a LDR for three months with a M/34. We live in a different country but I use to cross to where he lives almost every weekend.
It takes me like 2 or 3 hours to get there.
In the fourth date we decided to become exclusive and start a relationship. He even took to meet his family in the 3rd date, as a friend ) now they know we're in a relationship).
NOTE 1: This is my first time in a relationship but been into casual stuff before. I came out 2 weeks before I met him through a dating app.
NOTE 2: He was in a narcissistic relationship two years ago, for 6 months and he started drugs and living his sexual life intensively and got into health problems. He's been sober for 4 months now.
After the fourth date he lost his job and his car and was without working for a month. Then he found a job, and he was working for a month and a half, but he didn't seem to care.
During this time he took some days off without telling his boss (his scolded him for doing that), and did it because he didn't feel good or felt overwhelmed, and instead of that he went shopping or the gym (getting compliments is very important for him) or just stay home watching TV.
During all these months I've been struggling with anxiety and anguish because I realized that I'm an anxious attacher; I wanted to know what he was doing. I was expecting to tell me when he goes out with his friends or something (because I'd do it). I didn't expect him to talk to me when he was working, but used to call me on his breaks, or sending me reels or something or when he was out of work; we used to send each other videos of us singing, etcetera. There was some attention.
When he stopped doing some things I started to wonder what was going on; I felt afraid of being abandoned or rejected or even changed when he wasn't sending me messages.
We had some assertive conversations about all of this. I understood that he was working and he just wanted to take a breath on his breaks.
Later I asked him that if it is possible to tell me if he's gonna be busy (short messages) or going out with his friends because not knowing about him for a while makes me feel worried and anxious. He said that he would try because he lives his life with the flow and forget because of is undiagnosed ADHD.
The thing is that now, he doesn't have a job again, he just stopped going because he started feeling bored and fed up of it.
We haven't seen each other in person for a month because I had health issues and needed rest, and spent an important amount of money, and I'm anxious about the future; I want stability but I love him and I wish I could do somthing to help him. He says he doesn't have money to come and see me and it would probably take me two more weeks to fully recover physically and financially.
He says that he doesn't have money to come see me, but he has been to the bar two times in the last two weeks and had bought some stuff for him.
After getting home from the bar he calls me and says a lot of nice things, probably because he is drunk, but the next day he's very distant, and not because he doesn't say nice things when he isn't drunk, but it seems that his feelings flow better when he's drunk. I feel worried about it because I do have that sense of responsibility, I know life is not easy and it's necessary to work to pay for what I want but he's comfortable living at his parent's and getting everything free.
I noticed that our communication changed 5 days ago; I feel like I have to force it but decided to stop sending messages and talk until the end of the day. This way I feel I'm giving him some space. I guess he wont ask for it but i do it anyway.
And I mean, I think I understand; the honeymoon phase is ending, and we've talked about a lot of things before and maybe what's happening is that we don't have more topics to talk about.
I videocalled him yesterday at night, and he was getting home after being out with his family, but was acting all distracted, focusing on other stuff when I wanted to ask for his day and asked him if everything was OK, and he said that everything was fine but he didn't feel to talk on the phone at that moment.
Sometimes I feel that he lacks of ability to express his needs (and he have said it before) or he is just acting secretive
We've had conversations about being honest and everything and part of me wants to believe but it's been hard when I feel that change in our communication. It's like he's hiding stuff.
I think I'm not allowing myself to be vulnerable…
Am I being too intense?
Maybe I've been making efforts to build this and now I'm feeling uncertain…
What about letting the ship sinks? ðŸ«