I (26f) had a friend in school Elena (28f now). She was mostly a bully in disguise of a friend. Always made fun of me, compete with me for no reason etc. But I also used to have a lot of good time with her so I let it all slide.
When I had to transfer cities for college 8 yrs ago she ghosted me. She reached out half a year later how she was going through something and she needed me but couldn't call me back etc. I knew she was lying and having the time of her life in her new college so I shut her down and asked her never to talk to me again.
A mutual friend reconciled us a year later, but she ghosted me 3 days later once again and this hit the nail on the coffin. She tried to reach out through another friend another 7 months later but I got her to delete my number and never try to contact me again.
A year later I come to know she was in a car accident. She was hella drunk and hit some pole or tree and got injured bad. She then disappeared from the face of the earth. And this made me go crazy as I felt really guilty for rejecting her reaching me throughout, as I believed I could have helped her out and not let this happen.
She was also struggling somewhat in her finances and had drug issues before the accident which I was aware of so I felt it was my responsibility to have helped her.
I know, my friends and therapist already have affirmed me that it isn't my fault but I felt really bad for a long time. I would search for her on internet and try reaching out to her college friends. No one knew anything.
Recently 2 months ago she re surfaced on social media and I finally gathered the courage to text her 3 days ago. I said in a long text that that I want to leave behind all our differences and start fresh as I miss her badly.
She replied yesterday that the old her died in that accident and I'm dead to this new her as well. I have talked a lot of bad things about her to people behind her back which makes me super untrustworthy. And it's better if we don't have any friendship moving forward and asked me not to contact her again.
I know I deserve her not wanting to be my friend. But I am confused about her mentioning me talking behind her back. The only people I talked to about her were those 2 mutual friends and my own best friends whom she doesn't know.
I just chose to respect her wishes and didn't even respond. But I feel absolutely lost here. I can't understand where did I go wrong. If this is really the end or maybe she will be back in my life.
TLDR- My (26f) old friend (28f) abandoned me multiple times in the past and I refused to reconcile when she reached out. She disappeared due to an accident and I reached out to her recently when she resurfaced. She refused to reconcile calling me untrustworthy as I talked behind her back. I feel lost.